the lovers

they met at a small nondescript diner at the edge of the city. it was a thursday afternoon and the weather had been dreary as of late, the landscape covered interminable drizzle.

the woman was young, with a fairly slight build, her wavy hair worn naturally down to her shoulders. she was wearing a wool, winter coat with a hood which she took off upon entering the door, chiming a bell attached. he was already there at a table in the back waiting for her. he stood up as she approached and they embraced hard as if they had not seen each other for ages.

"oh, my love i've missed you so" he said brushing strands of hair out of her face. he kissed her softly on the brow.

"i've missed you too" she replied her eyes sparkling brightly, her mouth a flash of white. she looked at him coyly.

his hair was flat as he had been wearing a hat to ward off the damp, a scarf still wrapped around his neck. they sat, holding hands across the table. they didn't speak for a few moments, gladly basking in each other's company, staring intently at one another.

the diner was old and the carpet was weathered. the lone waitress in a starch pressed uniform came and took their orders.

"we'll just have two coffees please" he said. "i feel like i haven't seen you in lifetimes."

"i know, it's just hard to find time. my work is driving me insane. then there's the kids and their schedule..." she trailed off as he nodded in empathetic agreement.

"how are you holding up?"

"i'm okay, it just gets real lonely. i'm so happy to see you."

"you have no idea sweetheart." he leaned across the table and she came in for a kiss.

the waitress brought them the coffees and put a saucer full of creamers next to them.

"we have really got to stop meeting at places like this, it's dreadful."

"i would meet you at the ends of the earth if i had to, but you know how it is."

"i know"

"how's the firm?"

"they're about to make me partner" he replied "they owe it to me, i've definitely put in my time."

she clasped her hands together excitedly and crinkled her eyes. "oh i'm so happy for you, congratulations that's terrific news!"

"it just really means that i'm going to be stuck there for the rest of my natural life."

"oh don't be sour, it's great  news." she grabbed his hand in hers and examined them together, like a child looking at something new. "i want to go celebrate, i'm gonna take you out to dinner" she winked at him.

"i would like that, when?"

"it's going to have to be awhile, this little rendezvous was already hard enough."

the rain started up again outside and pitter-pattered against the window, blurring the world outside. every once in awhile a car motored by, but the diner and the streets were mostly silent. they stared out into the haze, happily content to share this momentary bliss, knowing that soon it would be gone and that they would have to return to their prospective lives, without each other. the emptiness and loneliness without the other a daily pang, which they had learned to accept during their few months of courtship.

the door bell chimed, a woman in a raincoat walked in, shaking off her umbrella. she put one finger up to the waitress indicating that she was alone. she glanced around the diner and stopped when she saw the couple in the corner. a look of puzzlement came over her eyes.

"hey, audrey is that you?"

the couple turned and looked at the woman who just walked in. a panic crept over audrey and her face went a pale shade of green. she stood up.

"hello emily, it's such a coincidence seeing you here." they walked towards each other and embraced.

"i know, i was just out getting my nails done and got stuck in this rain so i figured i would stop in for a bite."

"how are the kids?"

"oh, you know, a handful." emily kept glancing over at the table so audrey felt obligated to give some sort of explanation.

"this, is my friend... dylan." dylan stood up from the table to make introductions. "we went to college together and he was in town so i thought we'd grab a cup of coffee and reminisce."

emily took dylan's hand and smiled at him but not with her eyes.

"well, tell john i say hello and that i would love to get the children together sometime soon" she said to audrey. "looks like the rain has stopped, i'll talk to you soon audrey, nice to meet you dylan."

emily rushed off in a bustle, completely forgetting the fact that she had come into the diner to grab a bite.

"who was that?" asked dylan. audrey seemed to be visibly shaken.

"emily is a family friend, we've known each other since we were children. she know's john for chrissake."

"well, i'm just a college friend. you just told her yourself. everything will be fine."

"no it won't dylan, you don't know her" she was trembling slightly and bit at her lower lip. "she's going to tell everyone. listen we can't see each other for awhile."

"i think you're blowing this out of proportion audrey."

"no, no, no. you don't understand," she was whimpering a little bit now. her eyes welled and she was on the verge of tears. the smile and coyness gone, replaced only with fear and impending dread. "this is it dylan, i cannot see you anymore. if this gets out it will tear my family apart."

"audrey, relax. we can talk about this," he took her in his arms and held her close. he could feel her sob with each breath. "i love you audrey, let's not act brash."

"no dylan. this is it. emily will tell john. i can't do this. this has all been a horrible mistake." she picked up her coat to leave.

"please audrey..."

"no dylan, i'm sorry. i can't right now. i've got to go."

dylan watched as she walked out ringing the chime on the door. audrey picked up the pace, covering her head with her hands to block the rain and turned the corner. and like that, she was gone. dylan sat back down and stared at the coffee cups in front of him, bewildered. there was nothing that he could do at a moment like this. he loved her and he wanted more than anything to be with her. but it couldn't work out that way and he knew it in his heart from the very beginning.

fatheads

i was hanging out at my artist's open studio festivities last friday. it was really not that fun. sure, i met a lot of other artist's and got to see their current work, but it was more like some lame meet and greet at a 4-H club get together. i fucking hate meeting new people, so to take the edge off i had a few drinks before going to the event. i wasn't trying to get crazy or anything, i just wanted to mellow out a bit.

i met this kid named andrew, heavy set fellow with two months growth. he did abstract work and it really wasn't that impressive, but he was real passionate about it and spoke of it eloquently. i met his girlfriend, who looked like a young heather graham and she was all smiles. andrew was real into chatting it up with passerby, so me and young heather caroused the open studios together.

there were wine stations on every floor so every time i saw one, i reached for another glass. heather and i rapped art and she was cute and i enjoyed the company. she wanted to see my work so we made our way up to my studio on the third floor.

as we were walking to my space, she pointed out two older, white gentlemen sitting next to a wine station. "those are the two owners of the building" she said pointing them out. i picked up a bottle of half finished white from the table under the discriminating eye of one of the owners. we walked to my studio and she gushed over my pieces and machine-gunned questions at me. she really liked a painting of mine and i told her it was hers, but she insisted that she couldn't so i said that i could just trade andrew for one of his pieces.

after awhile, she said she was gonna go back downstairs and i took the remnants of the bottle of white and put it back on the table next to the two owners. one of them stood up, picked up the bottle, and said "here, you might as well finish it", like i was some sort of low-life piece of shit and it really rubbed me the wrong way. i chugged the bottle in his face.

i walked around a bit more, chatted with some more artists, but i was getting seriously bored. i saw heather again and told her about my little encounter with the owners and she giggled. i was a little tight at this point and wanted to really take a dig at the two pretentious pricks, sitting all smug in their chairs as if their shit didn't stink.

it's always been in my nature to be brash and a little brutish. i really don't like someone getting the better of me or feeling like i've been undermined in any way. several times, i've wanted to call my ex gf and tell her that she is a miserable cunt. several times, i've wanted to find jimmy choo who suckered punched me in the 10th grade and give him a what's what. but i don't, because in the end these things don't really matter.

but that night i felt like being a complete asshole, so i walked back to the wine station next to the two owners. i surveyed the bottles and picked up a nice bottle of half empty red. i made sure the two smug fatheads were watching and i took a big long swig out of it. one of them stood up and walked towards me and said "okay that's it, you're out of here". i laughed in his face and blew the other guy a kiss and walked out.

maybe it wasn't the most graceful exit ever, but i've been kicked out of finer establishments than that. do i regret my actions? no. would i do it again? probably. did it solve any problems? absolutely not, if anything i'm probably on their shit list and pending a quick dismissal from my space.

heather witnessed the whole transaction and was quite enthralled by it, like it was the most exciting thing she had seen in awhile. we met andrew downstairs and heather regaled him with the tale and by the look in his eyes, he was not much impressed. but i really didn't really give a fuck either way. really i am just glad there wasn't an eviction letter hanging from my wall on monday morning.

girls from my past

i took this girl from my past out a little while ago, nice little fusion place in the outer mission. i don't know why i ever even really bother with girls from my past anyways. if it didn't work out before, it sure as hell probably isn't gonna work now or any time in the future. i guess i'm still a sucker for a pretty face.

seeing her was okay, we talked about the past, about the people we both knew, about things that were going on now, and about things we wanted to do in the future. to be honest, it was mostly mundane pleasantries and i was much more excited about the food.

we met each other during very tumultuous times in our lives and i suppose that's just how you remember people sometimes. she asked me midway through the meal if i was still getting into fights. i said no, that i was too old for that shit and that i had a reputation to think about now. she looked as if she were disappointed. as if the old facade of my past was the only thing she was ever chasing.

i remember the last scuffle i got in which had me laid out for a few days with a broken face. it wasn't fun. mostly i laid there thinking about how i should have seen that knee coming and how much i sucked for getting my face broken. i really deserved it either way.

i hold on to the past quite a bit, a little too much of a sentimental fool. my mom always tells me how i was that kid that would run around the restaurant causing a goddamn ruckus in public. i was always thought that there was a little bit of the devil inside me and sometimes i miss the good times we had. running around unabashed with no regard to anything else but our immediate wants.

i walked her to her car after dinner and we said we would see each other and all that, but knew it wasn't true. sometimes i look back on my life and there are many regrets and moments of severe self-loathing. and i think it's that way for a lot of people. i don't know why i ever even really bother with girls from my past anyways. they're nothing but trouble.

nonsense

i just came back from taiwan. and it was one of the very best times i've had with my family in a long time. it was fat boy eating, my momma buying me a new wardobe, playing golf with the pops, and just general debauchery in the after hours. i probably got about a million girl's numbers out there, but mostly for sport and some bit of an ego boost. my follow up game is horrible.

i've been putting in a lot of time at the studio lately. it's been great. it's fun again and comes easily, mistakes few and far between, the work, flowing. i feel good again, halfway like a productive, contributing member of society. i've really been itching to the spray again, but anxious because of how goddamn harsh the punishment in san francisco is.

last night i met with a curator and gallery owner downtown. the space was beautiful and they offered me a solo in may. we put nothing down in writing which always makes me super skeptical. they'll be doing a studio visit sometime in the future and i figure that i might as well just pump shit out anyways whether the show is green lit or not.

last week i saw an old acquaintance bartending at an event. she gave me the cold shoulder like i was a fucking mutant with mouth herpes and gonorrhea. i hate it when people don't like me. i suppose it might be because she gave me an otphj at a party once, but the past is the past. it made me feel bad that she honestly disliked me that much as a human being.

i've always wanted to drive across the country. i was planning on going with the dog, but i think that would really eliminate half the fun of going to dog-unfriendly establishments. i would also then have to find pet hotels and all that other shit and i don't feel like vacations should ever be planned out that way. i'm really hoping to do this sometime before i'm 30, i'm really waiting for the right time, or i should just quit being a pussy and just get in the car and go.

i just found out that i'm gonna be by myself for christmas and new year's this year. i suppose it would be nicer for my family to be around for the holidays, but sometimes being away from things makes them that much more precious. i've got so much shit to do with very limited hours. i'm happy now and that's all i know. and i hope that this lasts for awhile.

it was a dark and stormy night

today was a long day. as usual, i ran and shit the dog in the morning then made studio visits all day, checking other artists' new series and work. after that, i squeezed in a little time at my own studio. works been going good and i've bee

n enjoying what i'm doing again.

i got drunk last night and got a call from a friend saying that he was going to propose to his girlfriend tonight. being drunk and all compassionate i agreed to help out. after running around all day and putting in some work, i finished up around 5, enough to squeeze in a fast dinner before heading out to the palace of fine arts.

to be honest, after dinner i was really starting to regret having promised to show up to the proposal. it was dark, raining, and the wind had been picking up. to be honest, this whole ordeal just really wasn't my thing and i really wanted to just go home to the couch and the dog.

it was a dark and stormy night. my friend was running a bit late so we had to wait a lot longer than i expected outside, in the tempermental weather. he finally arrived with his girlfriend and everything was not going according to plan.

it was a bit of an awkward situation as i didn't even know his girlfriend or two other friends, but i put on a smile. the entire time, i was feeling all sorry for myself and wishing to get out of the cold. but then the moment came and my friend got on one knee.

it was weird. i felt a mixture of things: happiness, sadness, jealously, regret, longing. i was happy for my friend, so very proud of him for doing something he very much believed in. his life would longer just be about himself, he would have to share it with this person.

i figure that the only person i've really ever been in love with is myself. that i'm too selfish and egotistical to even share my life with anyone else. at that moment, i thought about how much i wanted that to change. how brave and wonderful and incredible love can be.

it was still cold and wet, but i was very glad that i got to see my friend propose. it made me feel good, it made me feel hopeful. that there are beautiful things in life that happen everyday, even if it's the shittiest weather in the world.

the short, happy life of arthur b. wang

arthur had grown up quite the mama's boy. she doted over him and dressed him in very fancy outfits as a young child and groomed him to be the poised, articulate gentleman he became. his middle name was bernard, but his mother had taken to calling him bernie, which she still does to this day. he was an only child, which meant that he was gorged with all the attention and benefits that parenting could buy. he played tennis and was quite good at it, having been given a scholarship to play for a college on the east coast. he was fairly tall, with straight black hair which he always brushed in with product. he had a thin face with deep furrows which often gave him a discerning look, as if in need of approval.

after college, arthur naturally went to work for his father who was in the automotive industry. the family owned a few dealerships throughout the state and it was an easy fit. arthur was good at what he did and through the powers of nepotism and good ol' american elbow grease, climbed the ranks within the company and was made VP before his thirties. life was good for arthur and his family.

arthur dated here and there throughout his young adulthood, but found no one who he ever felt compatible with. he liked being in relationships, because he dreaded being alone. it was better to have anyone by his side then to have no one. he hated most when they were very much impressed with his loft, or his cars, or any such material thing. as if things weren't hard enough, each girl that he had ever brought home was met with the dissatisfied scowl of his mother.

"bernie i really wish you would meet a nice girl."

"yeah, i know ma."

"what's wrong with my friend's daughter olivia? she's a sweet girl and she's quite successful at what she does."

"she's nice ma, but you can't force something like that."

"oh, but bernie i would so much like for you to meet a nice girl."

arthur always found a way to sabotage his relationships. he never held his ground, because there was no need to. they did nice things for him,  tried to get him in their clasps. but arthur would just fling them away like some trivial, outdated gadget. it was just this endless lull, years passed, women came and went, like pieces of art on rent.

i'm sure it's happened to everyone, seeing someone across the room and instantly connecting through a glance that lasts much longer than it seems. she was like a flash of light, in the company of two gentlemen, each seemingly more eager than the other to win her attention. she divvied herself equally, happy to be at the center or things. they were at a charity ball for something or other. unbeknownst to arthur, lana was a hussy. she had come into the family fortune upon the untimely death of her father when she was just a little girl. her family owned high end boutiques and retail stores which meant she always had a reputation to keep, at least superficially. she kissed boys often, but secretly; she saw men as mere possessions, easily interchangeable, like a new fall wardrobe.

it wasn't as if she didn't want to seek a mate, merely she had yet to find one which fit her lifestyle and standards. she danced with one boy while the other brought her a drink, then she danced with the other. she spun and frolicked in her evening gown all smiles, her hair done up in a casual ponytail, the diamonds and jewelry she wore, conquests from past relationships.

he walked up to her after a number had just ended and asked her name. they shared pleasantries. her two minions watched a few steps away, chatting quietly, with subdued discontent. lana was enthralled by arthur's boldness. arthur was enthralled by lana's smile which crinkled the corners of her eye. they talked about this and that, but mostly because they liked the newness of things. he invited her to a party the following weekend and gave her his card. she called on the following tuesday. lana a creature of very fleeting tastes.

lana had deemed it quite necessary that she wed soon and knew she wanted children before it was too late. she snagged arthur hard and he had not a chance. she got what she wanted, not because she asked for such things, but because she expected them. she had arthur in her palm like a domesticated lap dog.

"what do you think of this dress arthur?" she asked holding up a black cocktail dress to her shoulders.

"that looks terrific, it's a little short though." She answered with a scoff. 

"i think i'll take it," she replied decisively.

"what are we lana?"

"what do you mean?"

"we've been seeing each other awhile now, and i want things to be more official."

"i think things are going great arthur. why would we need to change anything."

"i just want to know that you are mine and nobody else's"

"so what, like change my Facebook status?" she said jokingly. he laughed nervously.

"i know what i want lana, and i want you. i want you to be in my future and someday i'm going to marry you."

lana had been proposed to before, but she was never taken aback. it felt like the right thing at the time so she just went with it.

within two years they were married. they moved into a big house on the coast and had two girls. their lives filled with nannies, parties, dinners out, and worldly travel. the first half decade came and went in a flash and life seemed to have no bounds. but after awhile, it grew to be tiresome and mundane to lana. arthur was a good husband and man, but lana missed the days of passion and fleeting fancies. arthur, on the other hand, was content and fulfilled. he loved the family life and his daughters. the work filled his days, but he lived for his home. he knew that lana was unhappy and afforded her many niceties to try to appease her hunger. but no jewelry or gifts could satiate lana's desires. 

"i can't do this with you anymore arthur."

"lana, please. we've been over this."

"i'm not happy and neither are you. it's been years, we don't belong together."

"what about the girls? what about our family? doesn't that play a part in any of this?"

"we can't keep playing this game arthur. i want out. the girls will be fine it's not like you won't be seeing them anymore."

arthur looked at lana and saw a stranger. before the girls reached kindergarten, the marriage had deteriorated. lana had been seeing other men for over a year now. they divorced on the grounds of irreconcilable differences. arthur knew this was the end of things, but he had tried to hold it together at least for the children.

lana was ruthless and went after everything. at this point, she resented arthur. she resented him for the listless act he would put on in front of guests and company. she resented him for taking up the remnants of her youth. but mostly, she resented him for turning into a puppet, this man who could no longer fend for himself.

and as quickly as things came, they were gone. lana broke arthur. she took the children, took half his pay, and went off away to texas with her new beau. and arthur was left with visitations rights and a sinking feeling that his life had just ended. lana turned the girls against their father making their bi-annual visitations awkward and forced.

arthur turned to the bottle. his work suffered and his parent's were worried. his father told him to take a leave of absence and his mom told him to travel a bit. he was lost and turned further inward. no amount of solace from friend or family could bring him out of his desolate situation. it stayed like this for what seemed in interminable amount of time for arthur. he eventually went back to work, but not with the same tenacity. he grew gaunt and depressed, blaming himself for the divorce, for the way things unfolded, searching for the answers to why his life had taken the turn for the worse.

i suppose that most men of character experience grievous tragedies as our protagonist has. some horrible event in which they think they will never recover. but the days pass, terribly unbearable at first, the memories, doubts, and hurt entrenched in every waking moment. but days turn into weeks, and those into months. that sinking pain turning into a dull annoyance. and as more and more time passes, the old memories fade, new ones are made, and life goes on as it always has. and so it did for arthur.

"how are you feeling these days bernie?"

"i'm good ma, just busy."

"your father's been telling me that you've been playing quite a bit of golf."

"yeah, been at it for a few months now."

"that's good bernie. have you talked to the girls?"

"yeah, last week, i'm trying to get them over for thanksgiving, but i don't know how likely it will happen."

there was a silence before his mother replied. "things will be okay bernie."

"i know ma, thanks."

arthur picked up golf after being sidelined on the tennis courts due to an existing rotator injury from his younger playing days. it was the hardest game he had ever picked up and he dedicated his spare time to his new hobby with reinvigorated determination. as arthur's former confidence grew back, so did the women. he started dating a girl regularly who he was quite fond of. he played golf every week with his pals and things started to fall back into place. his daughters were in high school now and their relationship, although still strained got better as the girls grew older. arthur forgave himself and lana, for there was no longer any place in his hurt for resentment and hate.

it was sunday and arthur was out on the course playing 18 holes with some friends. he laughed and joked, but the game was serious as it always is when there's some money on the line. it had been years since he had felt like this and he was happy. happy to be in the company of friends, happy for the new girl he had in his life, happy that everything was starting to turn around for him. he was stronger, more so than when he was a young man, for going through periods of pain can sometimes be the best thing in life. he didn't shoot to well on the front nine, but was still on par to shoot a personal best.

they were standing on the 13th hole, a par four, dog leg. as arthur set up for his drive, he heard from a distance a group of voices shouting "Fore!" and before arthur could even react he experienced a brilliant flash of white and then a nothingness.

after lana, arthur didn't believe that things would ever be right in his life again. he believed in his heart that lana and his family were his everything, which they were for a brief period in his short life. he never told anyone, but as things had gotten better, he knew that everything was exactly the way they were supposed to be.

as his friends stood over him and called desperately for help. arthur laid listless on the ground on the tee box of the 13th hole, eyes closed  with a strange smile. the ball had struck him exactly on his temple and caused him no pain. it was a one in a million shot, and thus was the short, happy life of arthur b. wang.

annual pilgrimage

ever since i was a very little boy, i have always travelled back to taiwan at least once a year. i can't say that i've always enjoyed the trips, especially during my adolescence, because i thought that my life, friends, girls, back in the states were very much more important. i had a conversation the other day with an acquaintance and expressed my feelings on being near my 30s and having for the first time "felt old". he said that he did not feel the same, but maybe that's because we've lived such very different lives. his accomplishments and achievements already reached at a very young age. i've always lived my life with the notion of invincibility. for a long time, i did whatever i wanted, with almost no thoughts of consequences or regrets. i believed that life was meant to be lived this way. looking back it was only the immature ideals of a boy, ducking responsibility and duty. i burned bridges, destroyed personal relationships, gave into impulses, broke promises, and cared only for my own whims and fancies. i went to go visit my dad's company today like i always do when i come back, some of the employees i've known since i was a little boy. one of the manager's, mr. hu, always asks me when i am moving back to take over the family business. before, i always kept it open ended, because there honestly was the possibility. i felt a strong filial duty to help my dad especially since he has gotten older to take care of the business that he has given most of his life to. this business that has helped him raise a family, put two kids through schooling, and to afford all the very nice things that most people would consider the spoils of success. today mr. hu asked me if i was gonna be coming back soon and it was the first time i said no. i could see the anxiety in his eyes, with the future of the company at stake. i felt bad saying it almost, guilty, as if i had let him down in some way. i always thought that i could take care of myself, that i didn't need anyone else, that i could manage. i was okay with being alone, just as long as no one intruded upon my personal space. i suppose that family is the only thing i have now that is the constant. the older i have gotten, the more i understand just how very little i know and have experienced. friends and girlfriends have come and gone, but my family is always there, even through the most tumultuous times. and in the very end, i am far from an island and that without them i would be a desolately wretched soul. i watch my grandparents hanging onto the very last remnants of life. barely a glimpse of their former selves. about the only thing i can connect with them now is by holding onto their hands and feeling them return the pressure. my grandmother still slightly recognizes me, but to what extent i don't know. it makes me very sad and i always end up tearing up in front of the nurses, which is a bit embarrassing, even now. i realize that i've made grave mistakes in my life and no amount of apologies can ever fix such things. i want to be at peace with things. to accept my very real faults and either cut that shit out or fix them. i am old. i realize that i've strayed a far ways from the dreams of my father. i don't ever bring it up to him, but i just don't want him to be disappointed. that whatever aspirations and dreams he has had can still be fulfilled. that things aren't too late, even for a sad sap like myself.

nothing lasts forever

it was the very last time i was going to see her. we made promises that it wouldn't be, but you know how those things go. days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, and months turn into years, but i suppose it really doesn't have to be a bad thing.

we had met at a friend's birthday years back and hit it off over some cocktails. we didn't really see each other seriously until much later, but we cruised into it hot and heavy. it was that love like molasses, deep and heavy. thick to the touch and and all encapsulating. we drank each others worlds and were happy to be lost together. two kids with no fore or hindsight, just a dangerously addictive need for the other.

we promised so many things to each other. so many trivial things. so dependent on each other that we would go through withdrawals when the other was away. we moved in together pretty quickly. we played house and things were nice because we felt like it made us adults, living together and sharing things. her cooking, me taking out the trash, her decorating the house, me sorting out the bills. we grew together and forgave each other's mishaps and bad habits. maybe forgave is too strong a word, overlooked.

we never thought that things could fade. we thought that we would stand the test of time, that we were different from every other couple. in our minds our love was as great as those remembered in the annals of time. how young and naive we were.

those little overlooked mishaps and bad habits turned to belittling comments and sardonic quips. we snapped at each other, forgetting what it was that had brought us together. and soon we were at each other's throats, trying to tear the other to pieces. we broke each other down from the inside out. so much for love. so much for forever.

like everything in this world, nothing lasts forever. i knew it was the end and so did she. we just didn't want to mutter the words. we were scared to lose everything that we knew. all the time we had been together. this little world we had created. an end of an era.

she said she needed to get out. that she was going to move back with her mom. just for a little while. that it was just the break we needed to clear our heads. to maybe work it out with some space. "they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder" she said. her beautiful lies. and i ate them up.

we cried and cried and wouldn't let each other go, but it was for the very best and we both knew so in our hearts. i guess i just made it out like she was just gonna take a little vacation. that she would be back in a little while and things would be good again. like a drug addict going off to rehab. but i was wrong.

she packed up and i dropped her off at the train station. she kissed me before she got out of the car and looked at me with sad, sad eyes. i could feel myself welling up. she turned to leave and made her way to the platform. she turned around one last time before the staircase and made a heart with her hands and mouthed "i love you" with the last smile she could muster.

it was the very last time i was going to see her. we made promises that it wouldn't be, but you how those things go. days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, and months turn into years, but i suppose it really doesn't have to be a bad thing.

get up, get out, and do it again

i wouldn't say that i've had the best summer ever. it's tough getting older, trying to hold things together, being responsible. if i wasn't coaching water polo, i don't know how i would have made it over these last few months. it's weird to think that a group of kids could have so much impact on my life. i guess the only times i dislike the job is when i see the devastatingly defeated looks on the their faces after a loss. it crushes me.

i look at them and just see potential. potential to be whatever they want. to work them to the very extremes of their abilities, only to make them get up, get out, and do it agin. sometimes i wish there was someone in my life who would push me to go harder, to go faster, to not ever give up, every fucking day. telling me that it's going to suck today, but maybe tomorrow will suck a little less.

it might sound a little sadistic, but i make it a point of making one kid puke a week, at least for the first few weeks. i want them to learn limitations, to understand the point where your body just says no. i've seen dozens of bloody noses, black eyes, and one kid actually getting a tooth knocked out during a match. and i revel in it, it makes me feel young.  pride just doesn't fully encapsulate how i feel when a kid gets his nose busted and still has the heart to jump back in the water. there's not many people with that type of character.

i don't think i can do this forever, the pay isn't great and the hours are crap. the boys always ask if i'm coming back next year and i honestly don't know. i feel so very unsure of my life at this point. i want to move to new york, i want to get out of here, i want to travel for months on end, i want to run until my memories can't catch up with me. but i've got this big ass dog, i've got these bills to pay, i've got paintings to make, and i don't think that i'm just quite finished with what i need to complete here.

defeat is never easy to deal with. i can't stand to lose. it's never the wins i think about when reminiscing. it's always the defeats, those moments you wish you had made a better move, done something a little different, not made so many mistakes. but you only really learn about yourself through some crushing blows. it's only when you get a real nice fat gut check that you really start to make some major life decisions. i've seen so many kids quit. so many kids about to turn the corner, but instead turn tail after some hardships. there's nothing you can do, it's just not in some people's dna.

i would like to think that i have a strong resolve. that i am made of a character with substantial fortitude. but lately it's been tough. i've been letting my own doubts seep into my life, into my work. unsure of the next move, the next stroke. lost. really. but sometimes in life as in water polo, there's nothing but to get up, get out, and do it again.

handyman

i'm doing a bit of traveling in the next several months. i think a lot of it has to do purely with escape, but a lot more so because i feel like my life has become banal. i want to shake things up, get out there, feel young again, but these are all immaterial things.

i know that no change in scenery, no woman, no friends, or family will ever help me change things. they mean a great deal to me and my life, but no one will save me except myself. it makes me feel utterly lonely sometimes thinking about it. what if i can never shake this monkey, what if this is as good as it gets?

as i get older, i've started talking to my parent's a lot more. i suppose i don't really ever tell anyone anything really, but it's nice just to hear their voices and to hear about their day and so on and so forth. they live a 14 hr. flight away, so getting to see them doesn't happen often. it makes me sad sometimes, but then i think about my mom badgering me about some infinitesimally mundane thing and i'm not as sad anymore.

i've been doing a lot more drawing lately. for some reason i've been avoiding the studio like the plague.

friends come and go and most always, it's for the best.

sometimes i just need a hug.

stick a needle through my eye.

i've always felt that the true spirit of a man is found in a fight.

no matter what, their voices never completely leave me.

my friend recently called me a lovelorn fool. maybe she's right. maybe it's time to stop fixing the end of every relationship with another relationship. i stop for a moment and realize that i haven't been single since my early 20's. now, maybe it's just time to fix myself.

if you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all

job interview

i recently went in for an interview for a full time position. suit and tie type shit, sit in an office, jokes at the water cooler, everyday grind type shit. i got offered the job on the spot and really i don't even know why i went in for the interview because i knew that i would never take it. i suppose it was just an ego thing. validation. to say that i could do it. make a nice large steady paycheck. i'd like to think that the branch manager just liked the cut of my jib.

i asked her if there was any way i could take a part time. i told her that i still had my own things to do, dreams to follow, and that i couldn't commit. i feel like i've said this shit all before.

i'm just not ready yet, maybe i never will be.

sometimes if the front door is locked you've got to just sneak in through the kitchen window. i've recently been able to paint some murals at the facebook hq in menlo park. it's been fun, busy, hectic, and sometimes very intimidating. i'm painting in building 10, which is filled with lawyers. i've already had people coming up and saying my art is "scary",  "inappropriate". a female lawyer said one of my pieces was too risque and asked me to cover it up.

we are finishing up tomorrow and hopefully painting a new building in a few weeks. keeping my fingers crossed. hugs and keeses. 

d

cole and penelope

cole was a very tough boy. not to say he was mean or cruel or bad, but he was just tough and didn't take shit from no one. he kept to himself quite a bit and liked being alone to do his own things. he lived a very simple life and that's the way he liked it. sometimes he went out to have beers with his friends or went out to parties, but mostly he stayed home most nights. happy to partake in his own hobbies, away from the world because he did not trust most people and rarely let anyone in. it's just the way things were and nothing and no one was going to change his mind.

penelope was a very sweet girl. not to say that she wasn't strong or bold or sturdy, but she was just very sweet and smiled through everything. she was a social butterfly and liked to be out and about because that's where her charm shined through. sometimes she stayed in and read a book or dabbled with paints, but mostly she was out in the world. happy to spread her love into the lives of others, because that's the way she had been brought up. what made her most happy was helping others. it's just the way things were and nothing and no one was going to change her mind.

cole went with girls but he had never really truly been in love. he had said it or thought he had felt it before, but in retrospect he knew that he was merely just saying the words. happy to see them light up and going along with the motions. but it never lasted. he always got bored. because really he didn't know love. he never went that far to open his heart, to truly care about anyone else but himself. in the end, he always wanted to be left alone. to do his own things.

penelope went with boys and she had felt love before. she had said it and knew in her heart that it was true, at least there in that moment because sometimes love fades. she was happy to know that something so beautiful could be shared and she lived for it. she always gave what she could, but the boys eventually walked all over her and she always got burned. she always went for everything with an open heart because she had very much to give. in the end, she just wanted someone else who would feel the same.

cole and penelope met one day. it wasn't anything exciting or romantic or melodramatic. no sparks flew, it wasn't love at first sight. they just met and exchanged numbers. he invited her out later that week to a dinner party and really thought nothing of it because she was just a girl that he met. penelope showed up and all his friends liked her because that's the magnetism she had. cole was quiet and aloof and stern, because he did not like to show anything and at the end of the night he hugged her goodnight and walked her to her cab.

they went out again in a few weeks to a movie and held hands. he walked her back to her house even though he was late for work, because she lived in a bad part of town and he wanted to make sure that she got home okay. cole liked penelope quite a bit, not because she was a very sweet girl, but because he knew that beneath her very sweet demeanor was a very fragile thing. he wanted to her to be safe and strong. penelope liked cole quite a bit, not because he was a very tough boy, but because she knew that beneath his very hard shell he was a very sweet boy. she wanted to show him love and how to love.

they started going steady after a few months. he invited her over to holidays and they eventually met each other's families. their relationship grew and gained strength, like the foundation of a home. they made plans for the future and their dreams. they never said they loved each other, but penelope was teaching cole. slow and steady. cole taught penelope to be tough. and penelope cole to be sweet. they showed each other things that the other did not know. they were good together. they were in love but neither ever said it, happy to have the things the way they were. to feel love truly and deeply.

they had been going out for a little more than a year. friends saw the change in cole, he was bright, he smiled. not to say that he wasn't tough, but penelope had begun to break down his wall. friends saw the change in penelope, she was aloof, she held her ground. not to say that she wasn't sweet, but cole had shown her how to depend on herself.

but this is not a story with a happy ending. when two people love each other truly and deeply, there can be no happy ending. cole and penelope started to drift apart. their conversations of life and love dwindled. inevitably cole got bored. inevitably penelope felt walked all over. and you know how this story will eventually end.

cole was a very tough boy. not to say he was mean or cruel or bad, but he was just tough and didn't take shit from no one. but penelope had opened his heart.

penelope was a very sweet girl. not to say that she wasn't strong or bold or sturdy, but she was just very sweet and smiled through everything. but cole had shown her fortitude.

one day penelope packed her things from cole's and said that she had to go. what they had had faded and there was nothing else to do, but to end things. he was not going close the world off anymore. penelope had shown him to love. she was not going to be walked over anymore. cole showed her how to be tough. they hugged and cried and cried and kissed. but it was the end of things. a very beautiful thing. it's just the way things were and nothing and no was going to change their minds.

t shirt time

it's hard as fuck to sell paintings. at least it is for pissant artists like me and my boy hak lee. so i thought let's just make some mother fucking tshirts. affordable, sexy, and a free fucking billboard everywhere you go.

the t shirts are 100% cotton with the image heat transferred in full color. they are pre-shrunk and good to go.  they have been made in a very limited batch and once they go they're gone til forever.

if you would like a tshirt you can call me, text me, email me, or write me a letter. first come first serve basis.
















hak lee is a korean artist living out of the tenderloin. his studio apartment is his studio, love box, study, dining room, and lots of other shit all jumbled into one. all profits will go directly to him because really, he can't be eating instant ramen for the rest of his life.

jane

jane was a very smart and charming girl, but that's only when she really wanted to be. for most of the time she was very withdrawn and sullen. happy to dwell in her own little world. away from reality.

the truth is jane had very nice parents. they supported her in her times of self-inflicted peril. they supported her through trite and tumultuous meltdowns. they supported her when they did not know what they could do anymore to help.

i suppose it's not like jane was purposely being a bad daughter. surely, when she was happy and things were good she laughed and smiled and was able to light up a room. that was her magnetism. of course she had friends. for she was a very attractive girl.

jane's woes she could not even herself pinpoint. she went about her things and filled her days with trivial matters. she wanted no more in life and expected nothing. she went out sometimes and put her face on. smiled at boys and they were nice to her. they asked her out to nice places. they bought her nice things. they wanted her to smile because she was so beautiful when she did. but she always laughed and said thank you and that was that.

when she was young, her parents brought her into a psychiatrist to find out more. to find out why their beautiful child was so withdrawn. so sad. jane was vehemently opposed, but she went stubbornly. she answered things that needed to be, but she held her own. firm. solid. a rock.

the psychiatrist put her on some pills, but it made jane dull and listless. she took them to take them because sometimes these things can help.

jane was a very smart and charming girl, but that's only when she really wanted to be. for most the time she was very withdrawn and sullen. happy to dwell in her own little world. away from reality. and maybe that's just the way things are sometimes.

when you're young, you build up these ideologies of the world. who you want to be, who you want to be like, or what you want to hold on to. at least i did. i have held onto these ideologies for so long, read the books of my heroes, and wished that i could have their lives, to live their experiences, and to know that i could be strong like them in times of peril. through times of war, lost love, depression, and all the inhumanities of life.

and here i am, at 27, lonely, not yet made shit of myself, not experienced any sort of hardship of the past two generations and feeling like a general nothing of nothingness.

i remember back in college i went to see a psychiatrist after a bad breakup. he gave me a prescription for some pills and told me to come back. i shook his hand and thanked him and never went back and never filled the scripts. i don't even remember what his name was and sometimes now i wish i had.

i always wanted a life where i listened to no one. where i was a young prince, doing what i pleased at all moments and times, because i could. where finance, time, feelings, and presence were all under my control. where i was untouchable.

since i've been a young boy, i've always wanted to just have a tremendously raucous, wild, complete young life. to live without regret or second thought. to live without fore or hindsight. and just be without responsibility. but things are quite different now.

i've got to change. that much i know. because i can't think or act or do things like the way i've always done. and it's hard. it's so very hard. i've been waking up everyday for the past month, filling my day with work, exercise, work, errands, painting, and on and on and on. my friends tell me come out, let's have fun, let's go out and cause some ruckus. when i do, i honestly feel more like shit than ever. and all i want to do is crawl into a ball and cry like a little baby girl, born new into the world. although we would be crying about totally different things.

i don't know what to do, but i suppose i'll look back on all this and laugh one day, thinking how silly and trivial this all was and is. how easy i have things. how much harder i need to push things and myself. and to quit all this crybaby bull shit.

when i was in high school and young and naive, i was extremely in love with a girl, we'll call her laura. not the kind where you just want to get your fuck on with them, but the type where you could hang out with her and talk and just have peace and quiet. she was tall for our age, and it was one of her insecurities, even to this day.

she had a boyfriend and i had a girlfriend but we hung out and i liked her company very much.

growing up, i was hammered with the fact that i would probably have to marry an asian girl, preferably chinese. so dating laura would have been out of the question. she came over the house a few times and my mom was machine gunned me with questions afterwards.

soon enough, high school was done and we moved on to our perspective colleges. i haven't really kept in contact with many people over the years, but we kept in touch with her. i would visit and she would visit me. we talked about life and love and things in between. she knew my family and i had met hers on several vacations and we would flirt sometimes, but i never took it to the next level.

people often say that if you're stuck in the friend zone with a girl you can never climb out. i've always thought that was bullshit. i've always believed that in a fight, anyone's got a chance to win.

maybe it's time that i let down my own past walls. and just do what i want.

struggle

for the first time, i feel like my art is finally going somewhere. it's not like i was never confident about it before, but it's more so balanced now. not like a boat tipping up and down in rough seas. one of my favorite professors, kevin moore, once said "you can't just keep riding this roller coaster, the trick is to find that perfect balance between loss and defeat."

i feel like i'm at a very strange time in my life. i've just spent the last four years honing my craft, everyday, day in and day out. thinking about it, dreading it, loving it, devoured in it, sick of it. i've watched all my peers outside of art climb the social ladder, getting promotions, going to grad school, working day in and day out with the benefit of a paycheck. of security.

maybe i should have just gone to law school. maybe i should have just stayed at a regular job. sometimes i wonder if i made the right choice because really, sometimes it's hard to justify what i've chosen. i suppose i just don't yet know what success is. or how to achieve it.

but in my heart i know i have to keep doing this. to just keep pushing and pushing. day by day. hour by hour. because there's no rationale or reasoning, i just know i have to do this because there's nothing else that i would do with this sort of love and dedication.

sometimes i feel like i purposely chose this life because it was probably the hardest thing to do, that i just want to struggle. other times i feel like it gets to be too much and the payoff too small.

i've been thinking about moving away lately with the dog. maybe to oregon, maybe to arizona. just for a change. for a few months, maybe years, maybe i'll never go.

even so with just the daily routine hum of life going on i know i must keep going. because there's no direction but forward.

breakup

breaking up always sux dik, obviously there's good one's and bad one's but it still always sux. especially if it's been a substantially long relationship, in this case, it was about 1 year and 7 months. obviously it takes two to tango and both parties are accountable for a breakup. but i would say in this case, i was probably the idiot that drove her away.

i suppose it was bound to be. in the last six months i have been so caught up in my own life, needs, wants, and desires, that i completely shut out this person in my life. i thought that just as long as i was working hard and striving for success, she would understand. she would be able to forget the little things that i would forget. she would forget the the mean words i would sometimes snap to her. she would forget how horribly callous i had become.

it is my own fault. i must accept blame for this fall, because there is no one else that was wrong. it is a tough pill to swallow. and right now really i'm just wallowing in my own misery. i try to take up work to fill the day, but every waking moment is haunted with her image and how i lost her.

if i were a little more dramatic i would probably have shot myself or at least started cutting by now. but sometimes i feel like the pain is good. like a crazy violent thunderstorm that cleanses the earth.

i want to scream, shout, cry, and bang my fists on the wall until my knuckles are broken and bleeding. but it won't help at all. i'll be stuck at the same goddamn place with no one to blame but myself.

maybe i am just meant to be alone for the rest of my life. i cannot seem to let anyone close and if anyone does, i immediately shut them out. before she left she told me she loved me and that she didn't want to go, but that she had to. to save herself and what little left she had of happiness.

i've been really out of sorts for the last few days and i wish that she would just come back, but i suppose that's just the boy in me pouting and throwing temper tantrums.

alas, it's just life. sometimes things fucking suck and i just want to destroy everything. fuck me.

i graduate in about two weeks time and it feels like another chapter in my life went by in a flash. i am grateful to all my instructors who i've encountered along the way, good or bad. a few weeks ago i went in for my final review to apply for graduation with the school's director. i'd met him a few times and he gave me the usual spiel about applying myself after graduation and hustling for group shows and things like that and basically patted me on the top of the head and said go get em' tiger. it wasn't really what i imagined or hoped it would be.

i'm working on a current series which juxtaposes classical painting with pop culture figures and icons. here's a peek:

popeye x mona lisa

antwuan dixon x odd nerdrum

lil wayne x caillebotte

ren x lady

i'm looking for any shows. haven't really been doing too hot in the pr/socialize sector. 

i'm graduating soon so i guess that officially makes me a real artist. i don't really have anything planned after graduation except that i'm trying to find a new studio.

i got a new dog and his name is godzilla.

he's about 4 months old in this picture and 30 pounds. he's probably around 65 now.

him and emma are pretty good friends.

in the past year i've shown at chronos gallery la, san francisco design center, hespe gallery, and family business gallery. i haven't even tried to book anything yet for the foreseeable future, but i won't say no to anything good.

here's some new shit

the maxx & friends

life lessons

max & friends

all grown up

calvin, hobbes, & friends

fuckface

mona popeye

lady with ren

my buddy mk made a video for me

http://vimeo.com/25582314

i'll be back soon,

promise

<3

d