Saturday, June 27, 2009

When all things go to hell

When all things go to hell, I'll be ready. 
When everything goes to shit, 
the world is a bleak, muted, grey. 
When you fall off that fucking horse
the only choice is to get back on and keep riding.
When that bitch life rears his monstrous face 
you beat him into submission until he bleeds crimson red.
When all things go to hell, I'll get the guns, the pack, and the dog 
and we'll really have to see where the road takes us.

But today is beautiful. 

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Just that Type of Night

We're sitting on the sidewalk outside of Walgreens in the Marina. The only thing I know for sure is that we came to get gatorade, but didn't quite make it inside the pharmacy. The reason we're sitting on the sidewalk is because the cops told us to, three squad cars to be exact. They also have our I.D.'s, probably checking for any outstanding warrants, and I hope to god that all my parking tickets have been paid. When my friend, let's call him Bobby, asks what we are getting detained for, they tell us to shut up. 

The night started innocently enough, a friend, let's call him Nate, flew in from Chicago and like any good friends would do, you take the guy out and have a few dozen drinks. We went to an all you can eat and drink shabu shabu out near Japan town and spend 2 hours reenacting Roman eating habits excluding the use of the vomitorium. After that we head downtown in cabs, but there is massive miscommunication and missed texts and a few people are lost in the melee. As we're standing in line for Bubble Lounge, Bobby tries to hop the barrier into the smoking section and immediately gets pulled aside by a large bouncer and told to leave. It was looking like it was going to be that type of night.

Bubble Lounge sucks as usual and I somehow lose everyone, I walk around a few times trying to look for a familiar face and when I don't, I get the hell out. I call Nate and find out he and Bobby are at a Mexican bar down the block hitting on a group of girls having a bachelorette party. I get in and make a beeline, the girls are from Redding, they are not very pretty. I know how I can fix this problem. I get a round of Redbull Vodkas. Nate is having what seems like an extremely intimate conversation with a early 30's blonde and besides that there's nothing much else going on, even though the girls from Redding are practically begging for attention. 

Being a horrible wingman, I tell Nate and Bobby that we should head out even though it's an hour til closing time. We grab a cab and head back to the Marina where we're crashing at a buddy's apartment. This is where things get a little hazy. For some reason the cab driver pulls the cab over halfway into our ride and tells us to get the hell out. We must have been spewing some hateful shit. The next thing I know, Bobby yells run and I pump my legs until I'm out of breath. And hopefully out of view from the cab we just ditched. As we traverse our way back, Nate turns to me and asks "What does it feel like to kick in a side view mirror?" I shrug and tell him he should just find out. 

We somehow finally make it back to the apartment not without first getting into two or three verbal altercations, but we get by okay because for the most part, kids in the Marina are pussies. There's nothing in the fridge besides water so that's when we decide to get some gatorade at Walgreens. We walk out the door of the apartment and immediately get pulled over. And that's how it happened. 

I turn to Bobby, "Where's Nate?" He shakes his head and says "I dunno." The cab driver who told us to get the hell out of his car is talking to the cops. We had set off a few car alarms making our way back to the apartment. There were probably 20 witnesses of our obscene tirade parade through Chestnut Street. The  odds  are pretty stacked against us. I prepare to spend the night in the drunk tank, but I suppose that we pretty much deserved it. When in doubt, just keep your mouth shut.

Nate comes from around the corner, cuffed, and escorted by two police officers. We still haven't gotten our I.D.s back and I am pretty parched. I hope they have Gatorade in jail. By some stroke of luck, a cop hands us back our I.D.s and tells us to get the hell out of there. "What about our friend?", "You would shut up if you know what is good for you" was the reply. Bobby goes to Walgreens anyways and gets us some drinks. We head back to the apartment and wonder what time we should pick Nate up from jail, the door bell rings. It's Nate. "What the fuck happened?" 

"I dunno."

"Did you get put in the back of the squardron?"

"Yeah, but they just let me go."

"You lucky son of a bitch."

And it was just that type of night. And in all honesty, it was kind of a good one.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Iron Man

I distinctly remember watching the movie Iron Man, but not because that it was anything spectacular or because I have any sort of affinity for the character. It was about 2 am after a night of drinking, I was sitting alone on my buddy Matt's couch in Oakland and the movie was on. It was Matt's birthday party, a low key ordeal, just lots of natty ice, shots of tequila, and a few close friends. I arrived around 6 pm and pretty much everyone else was already hammered from playing edward 40 hands earlier during the day and I was playing catch up as usual.

It was just another party, people getting rowdy, Matt was really drunk and kept trying to fight this guy he didn't really like and when I intervened he cold clocked me in the jaw and I reciprocated with an uppercut to his mouth. I gave him a gash on the tongue that didn't quit bleeding until the next morning, but at least he stopped being fighty. People started wrestling after the pizza was finished and quite a few people got put to sleep. You know, just a regular saturday night bender. 

There wasn't really anything quite interesting until I met Paul. He was with his girlfriend Andrea. They were swingers. I have never met swingers before, or at least never ones that were quite so open about it as they were. Paul fondly referred to it as "playing in the swings". Like any other hobby enthusiast, there is an order to these things, how you get introduced and eventually drawn into such a world. For Paul it was watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show when he was 17. "For me it opened up avenues to be free spirited, it was an alternative lifestyle. You put on costumes and danced around and have fun, it doesn't embarrass me at all, it's just sex, it's just pleasure" he says with a wink while Andrea gives a coy smile and rolls her eyes.

Paul is of Navajo and Mexican descent, stocky in build with a gregarious laugh. He was friendly with everyone. He practiced traditional purification rituals in sweat lodges up to the age of 20. "I believe in a pagan sensibility, you just do what you think is right and don't obstruct in any other people's belief's".  I was quite intrigued by it all, it was something that I had never known or encountered. After awhile Andrea left to banter with other guests and I stuck around to ask Paul some more questions.

"So Andrea is cool with everything? You guys don't get jealous or anything?"

"I think I'm more monogamous than anything. I just accept experiences if they come around. I don't need to be in a group to be a swinger, I would consider myself more of an enthusiast.  People join clubs for a reason. There's huge internet groups such as Adult Friend Finder and secret mailing lists, but I don't need all that. Quality of a good time is what drives me to do these things. I've had girlfriends who weren't into this sort of thing and that's cool too. I don't really seek out this sort of behavior, I think it is more so of who I am. I'm just open about what goes on and that definitely puts me into that sort of crowd."

(As a side note you should really read this article on Adult Friend Finder written by Holy Taco. http://www.holytaco.com/we-join-adult-friend-finder-see-what-its-all-about )

"Ground rules?"

"I don't like having sex with strangers. We usually meet or know the people before anything happens. It's better to know someone before you have sex with them. Condoms are a must. We basically discuss the rules before anything happens, but sometimes they just happen organically," he says while surveying the crowd. "As far as concrete rules, no one can come in my girlfriend or in her mouth. And you know, everyone has their own personal little quirks when it comes to sex, no kissing, no touching the asshole, things like that."

"Ever have a horrible experience?"

"It's just like having sex, even if it's bad, it's still sex and sex is always good. As far as a horrible experience, I don't think I've ever had one. It's mostly sometimes people feel awkward about it after the ordeal in the morning."

I was reminded of Brave New World

"Alcohol is usually involved to loosen things up, but I've done it sober, it's just supposed to be fun. It's a party."

Afterwards, we traded fighting stories and I learned how he got the long lacerations on a his hands. As the night continued forth, the alcohol dwindled and at some point someone went on a run and the party got a second wind. Matt came up to me and told me how this girl, Brett, he had been seeing occasionally had just given him a blowjob in the bathroom. But as all soirees go, it slowly dwindled and soon it was just Paul and Andrea, Matt and Brett, two other guy friends and me. 

There was a secret stash of Bud Lights and I help myself to them, mostly waiting for people to leave so I could sleep on the couch. That's when I put on Iron Man. Matt and Brett were making out in the hallway and I see Andrea approach them. Andrea and Brett start making out. Matt, Brett, Andrea make their way into Matt's room, the door closes. Minutes pass, Paul comes back from smoking a cigarette outside and asks me where Andrea's gone, I point to the closed door. He goes up and knocks, they let him in. I'm still somewhat watching the movie with the two other dudes and I can see them keep making sidelong glances at the closed door.

Finally, one of them gets up and goes to the door, he knocks, and lets himself in. No objections can be heard. I continue watching the movie and sipping on my beer. The one other guy that is left with me in the living room, Ryan something or other, starts getting real fidgety. "I wonder what they're doing in there?" he asks me, but I don't think he was really expecting an answer. A couple of minutes pass. "Do you think I should go in?" I shrug. He is totally fixated on the door. "Fuck it, I'm going in."

He too goes up to the door, knocks, and lets himself in. 

"What the fuck."

"Dude get out."

"I'm just gonna sit in the corner and watch."

"Damnnit."

A few more minutes pass. Tony Stark is trying on his new combat suit on the screen. There is a shuffle of bodies and the girls are getting audibly upset. "Fuck" someone yells. The door swings open and people come tumbling out. There's is not a happy face among the crowd, one of the girls looks like she has been crying. There isn't much talk after that and Paul and Andrea leave. Brett and Matt go back into the room and one of the other guy's crashes on the other remaining couch. 

I meet Paul again a few months later at one of my art shows and we recall the moment. 

"You remember when you asked me what the worst experience I ever had was? That was it" he says with a grin. "Having a party is one thing, but I'm not just gonna let other dudes run a train on my girlfriend." I laugh with him. I still can't remember what the hell happened at the end of Iron Man, but I don't think I can ever really watch that movie without an unobstructed view. 





Wednesday, June 17, 2009

think happy thoughts

I've been struggling with my work recently. Not so much a creative roadblock, but a lack in my own skills and talents, I wish I were born a savant. And there's no real good way to get past it except to keep pumping out more work even if I think it sucks and I'm just stuck in a room full of paintings which I think are worthless. Most people could really give less of a shit about what I do, but sometimes people ask me to see my work when it's half way done or to watch me in my process, but to me that's like asking a chef to taste a souffle that's not yet quite prepared. 

A lot of my dependency on happiness directly equates on personal successes and accomplishments, it's just the way I've been raised as a conservative, middle of the road, studious, asian boy. But sometimes it's good to break from the pack and live however you feel is right. My parents still yell at me and my brother for having tattoos and habitually offer to get them removed although with the rate its going I'll probably be fully covered by the time I'm 35. So right now I'm going to make a list of things which actually make me happy besides accolades.

- My parents: Although for the most part they think I'm crazy, (my mom has accused me of being a hippie) I love them and hope that I can eventually care for them in their old age as they did for me as a young, rebellious, hellion. 

- My brother: We've had a tumultuous past, but I am proud of where he is today and who he is becoming as a man. 

- My dog: I love this bitch. To all the assholes who stereotype pitbulls (including my douchebag mailman) into a massive lump of aggressive, bloodthirsty, dogs, you should really meet Emma. She will lick you to death and wag her tail all at the same moment.

- Traveling: There's nothing comparable to being on the road with only the pack on my back and not knowing a lick of the native tongue of another country. I could travel for the rest of my life.

- Drinking Buddies: I am a drinker, I can stomach an amount of alcohol which would crush the average man and I appreciate the fact that I have friends who can do the same. 

- Blowskees: I mean.... c'mon.

- Knocking someone out: I know you might think this one is hateful, but I've never punched anyone in the face who really didn't have it coming to him, including myself. Watching some asshole who has been asking for it crumple to the ground is a glorious thing.

- Getting knocked out: It's probably the most I've learned about myself as a person. Sometimes you've gotta get laid out on your ass (two or three times) to learn a lesson.

- Good conversations: They don't come very often and you can't really seek them out, but when they happen they are very much the best thing in the world.

- Espresso and a cigarette: Breakfast of champions.

- Barcelona, Paris, and Kaoshiong: If I couldn't live in California these are the places I would escape to.

- Toro, lobster, ribeye: Goddamn that shit is good.

That actually made me feel better. Good night.


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

homesick

I wrote this two or three years ago, when I first started testing my writing chops. It is autobiographical for the most part save a few minor details.


The taxi cab stopped outside a brightly, neon lit building. Not exactly the bright lights of Vegas. Two men, presumably the bouncers, dressed in old, navy green, Chinese military style garbs opened the street side door. I stepped out into the bitter, blue cold and pulled up the collar on my jacket. Mr. Liu stepped out after me. “Cold huh?” he asked as he took out a pack of smokes from his pocket. I nodded in agreement. The sidewalk was littered with trash. Next to the garish building we were about to enter was a street vendor selling corn on the cob, next to him was a vendor selling red bean cakes shaped like little fish. "No you remember that this is between me and you, don't go telling your dad about this." I shake my head in the affirmative, I just wanted to get out of the hotel and get some drinks.

My dad thought it would be good training for me if I followed some of his top level Sales Executives to a business trip throughout Southeastern Chinese provinces, a sort of proving grounds if you will. It’d always been the plan that I would work for the old man after school, a passing of the torch from father to son. So much for traditions.

Four girls in faux, fur coats greeted as at the door, each taking a slight bow. The lobby was adorned with cheap paper lanterns and replica Chinese landscapes which had long since lost their luster. Adjacent to the front door was the reception counter with another young lady in a fur coat. “Miss Wang is waiting for you on the third floor” she told Mr. Liu. We took the stairs on the right side of the room.

I followed Mr. Liu up three flights of dark marble steps and at top stood a middle aged woman who greeted him. They exchanged the small talk old acquaintances usually exchange. “Who’s your handsome young friend?” She asked nodding at me.

“You’re not going to introduce yourself?” Mr. Liu asked, turning to me.

“My name is Daniel” I said.

She turned back to Mr. Liu, “Your son?” He smiled and shook his head. “My boss’s son, mine’s still in high school” he said through a half grin.

“Well young man I hope you enjoy yourself tonight.” She was wearing a traditional red Chinese gown and had her hair tied tautly into a bun. “Your room is prepared; it’s the third door on the left, number twenty three” She said as she led us through the hall.

At the end of the corridor, about twenty yards away, I saw an older man in a business suit. He had a girl cornered and she seemed visibly upset. “Please, let’s just get back into the room. Your friends are waiting for you” she pleaded as she squirmed unsuccessfully away from him. The man grinned, revealing a mouthful of yellow-black decay. “Please, let’s just go back” she begged. The man continued to paw at her. I wondered where the bouncers with the navy green garbs were.

“C’mon Daniel” Mr. Liu said inviting me into the room. I headed into the room. Already inside was Mr. Cheng, another business associate of the company, I had met him when I was younger. He received me courteously and told me to take a seat. Room twenty three was a dimly lit small, square box, furnished with a wraparound couch, a large coffee table replete with snacks and liquor, and a karaoke machine hooked up to a TV set. An attendant who had been standing next to the character was waved away. Mr. Liu sat in the middle of the couch, I sat on the right end and Mr. Cheng sat opposite of me.

Mr. Cheng asked me if I was still going to school. I told him that I had a year to go and would most likely work for my father afterwards. “That’s great news Daniel, a regular chip off the old block” he complimented through an exhale of smoke. He asked me if I remembered the last time I had seen him. I answered in the affirmative. It was Christmas dinner about two years ago back home.

“I hope you’re not expecting too much Elliot” Mr. Liu said, “It’s late so most of the prettier girls will probably have left.”

I shrugged and looked at my watch; it was only 9:30. There was a knock on the door. Miss Wang reappeared, this time accompanied with ten girls who shuffled quietly into the room, eyes downcast. Each of them wore skimpy outfits which looked cheap even in the meager light. I looked at Mr. Liu and Mr. Cheng for instruction, but they were busy devouring the assembly line. The girls were all thin and wore plastic smiles with light lipstick smeared around their lips, there were so many faces that they were all mixed into a maddening blur. They were all attractive for the most part, save for a few unsightly birthmarks; all of them were young, probably a lot younger than I was with sad, begging eyes despite the smiles, a parade of meat. “Do you gentlemen see anyone you like?” Miss Wang asked. The girls stood rigid in their nylon dresses, their hands clutched behind their backs.

“Hmm, why don’t you send up another batch?” Mr. Liu requested.

“Yes, of course. I’ll be right back, let’s go girls.” She commanded. The smiles were gone and they returned to their downcast shuffle. The ten girls exited as quietly as they had entered.

“I told you that they might not be that pretty” Mr. Liu said through a relaxed yawn. Mr. Cheng chuckled and grabbed a handful of peanuts off a tray on the table. I poured myself a drink, plum liquor on the rocks. Not exactly my drink of choice, but it was alcohol. I swigged half the wine glass and let the sweet, sour liquor sit on my palate. I felt the liquor creep down my throat and settle in the pit of my stomach.

We chatted about the next day’s traveling schedule; we were going to Shanghai the following afternoon to meet with a potential customer. This was definitely all a little new to me; I was just a little green. We had been traveling for about a week now, each night a new hotel, with its own private mini fridge and snack bar, each night memorizing catalogue numbers, design features, industry prices. It was new, but I would rather have been back at home partying with my friends at the pool powering though the summer with beer and debauchery. It was worth it though I guess, in a few years I would be making more money than Mr. Liu and Mr. Cheng combined, “a regular chip off the block” no doubt. Another knock sounded on the door. Ten new girls reemerged. They were a lot perkier than the last group; Miss Wang must have given them a pep talk.

“You see anyone you like this time gentlemen?” Miss Wang asked.

I studied the girls. I wasn’t quite sure what to do so I settled into my drink.

“What kind of girls do you like?” Miss Wang asked directing the question at me. “What about the lovely young girl in the green jacket?” She was pointing to a tall girl third from the left. She had cascading, dark hair which she let hang straight loose and she stared at me intently. She gave me a look as if to suggest innocent naiveté, she batted her eyes.

“Sure” I replied.

“Her name is Suzy” Miss Wang said as Suzy made her way towards my end of the couch. “I’m sure you two will get along just fine.”

Suzy took a seat next to me and crossed her legs. She turned and smiled at me and offered her slight, slender hand. I took it and introduced myself. She then nonchalantly put a hand on my upper thigh which prompted to make me shift uncomfortably. She giggled and told me to relax. I thought about telling her that having a stranger cupping my nuts wasn't exactly in the plans. Mr. Liu and Mr. Cheng then each chose a girl of their own. Mr. Liu and Mr. Cheng were enjoying themselves, they were laughing and joking, sipping on their drinks and eating the cold meat plates and fruits which sat on the coffee table.

Mr. Cheng had one hand around a girl who was wearing a white tube top and a white miniskirt. The other hand held a half gnawed chicken wing with the other half smeared across his lips. The girl’s name I found out to be May. She was a small girl with a full bosom which was resting comfortably against Mr. Cheng. She leaned into him and nudged her head flirtingly into his shoulder. Mr. Liu’s girl sat on his lap. She was whispering in his ear, she cooed and hummed and Mr. Liu’s hand crept across her lap, ventured slowly up her navel, continued up sideways across her ribs, and finally came to rest, on a breast. I took another drink, good times.

“How are you going to have a drink without me?” Suzy asked. She smiled brightly and tilted her head to the side. She plucked an empty glass off the table and filled it. She showed me her teeth again; they were small, white, and pretty. She took the glass off the table and poured herself a drink. “Cheers” she said as she raised her glass. “Cheers” we all replied as well busily clinked cups. I wondered how often my father was a part of these business meetings.

“So what do you do Daniel?” she asked while inching her hand up my thigh.

“I’m in college.”

“Really, where are you studying?” she asked with vague interest leaning ever so slightly foward.

“English,” I replied.

“Wow, that’s impressive.”

“Sure, why not.”

“Where do you go to school?”

“In California

“You sure speak Chinese well for someone who studies in another country.”

“I speak it with my parents,” I said as I looked at her closely for the first time. She had big, beautifully empty eyes. She looked at me like she had looked at hundreds of other men.

“So how is it out in America?”

“I guess it’s alright, there’s the good and bad. It can’t be any better or worse than anywhere else.” What I didn’t tell her was that I had never wanted to take over my dad’s business. What I didn’t tell her was that I wanted to go home and see Terri, my girlfriend at the time.

She kissed my cheek. “I’m sure it’s wonderful. You are so lucky.” She didn’t speak for awhile; I knew she was imagining all the grandiosity which was America to her. “I’m sure it’s better than you make it out to be Daniel. I sure would like to go someday, you know they just built a Disneyland here in China, but I sure would like to go to the one in Los Angeles.” Only I seemed to realize the futility of her dreams. She asked me questions for the next 15 minutes, questions about places she would never be, about places that could have been on the other side of the universe.

While I chatted with Suzy, Mr. Liu and Cheng were busy playing a drinking game which involved dice, a hybrid between 7-11 dubs and bullshit. Loser was taking sips of the plum wine. Mr. Liu told me to join, but I declined to play. The last thing I wanted to do was learn another game. Suzy took my place instead. She knew the game quite well and I sat back and watched nursing my drink. I later found out that Suzy was only twenty one years old and had been working as a prostitute for the last two years.

“Don’t you want to go back to school?”

“School was never for me” she replied, “I had to support my family anyways, this is the fastest way for a girl to make money. And when you work for places like this, it’s pretty safe.” She fiddled with a charm bracelet she wore on her left arm.

“So what do you do all day besides being at work?”

“Well, usually I wake up around 2pm and watch TV. I live with my little sister in an apartment about 10 minutes away from here. She also works here. We usually start getting ready for work a little after dinner. We get to work around 8 and we work until whenever the customers are gone.”

I thought about what she said. “Don’t you ever get bored?”

“No, besides the weird sleeping schedule I don’t mind it so much I guess. I can only really do this for a few more years. Girls over 25 stop getting work.”

I wondered how she could be so happy with such a miserable life. I could imagine the malaise in which Suzy and her sister spent their lives, but I guess that it was only relative, she was probably making a lot more money doing this than anything else.

Suzy lost another hand and had to drink quite a bit of wine as compensation. She scrunched her face and complained. She accused Mr. Liu of cheating and refused to drink. When she got mad, her brow grew tight and stern. Mr. Liu laughed and offered to drink her losses for her, neither denying nor confirming her accusations. “It’s just a game young lady, no need to get all uppity” he said in response.

“You obviously lost the hand” she accused. “You rolled a two sevens and a three! You lost the hand.”

Mr. Liu snatched his dice from the table. “So you’re calling me a liar?”

“Yes, you lost the hand and you’re trying to make me drink.”

“Why would I do something like that?”

Suzy was worked up and defiant about her position. She left her drink on the table and told me that she was going to use the restroom. She muttered something about cheaters and being deceitful. Mr. Liu laughed again. Suzy gave him a dirty look and left the room haughtily. Mr. Liu licked his lips and laughed as he took out his cigarettes. He handed me one and lit it for me. “That one’s got some fire in her huh?” he joked. “You having a good time Daniel?”

I was pretty drunk and Suzy was cute and things weren’t so bad. “What do you think about Suzy?” He asked. “She seems like a nice girl,” he said answering to his own question.

“Yeah she’s nice.”

“Well you remember that before we leave you have tip her, give her $15. You’ve got that much right?”

“Yeah” I answered.

He seemed to pause and think before he told me what he told me next. It was one of those statements that would show where I stood. I shook my head in understanding.

“It’s just a part of the business” Mr. Liu explained. “This is just how the way things work out here.” He said as the girl in the white tube top shrieked and threw her head back in delight as Mr. Cheng buried his head into her bosom. The door opened and Suzy came back inside looking much more complacent than when she had left. She returned to the seat next to me and promptly placed her hand back onto its resting place. I didn't fidget.

“Your friend Mr. Liu is a cheater.”

“Is he now? I’m sure he was only teasing” I said.

“He was not! He wouldn’t drink when he lost and I caught him lying about his roll” she said as she scrunched up her face again. “I guess I’m use to it, some men are just born liars.”

I took another sip and wondered what I would have done if there were no plum wine in the room. I remembered the Christmas party where I had met Mr. Cheng a few years back. It was a business party which I was forced to go every year, the type that was laden with compulsory pleasantries. I remembered what a great time everyone had, clinking glasses and eating fancy French hors’ devours. I remembered meeting Mr. Cheng and his wife and two little girls.

By now I had grown accustomed to Suzy’s hand despite it being somewhat awkward. She saw that my glass was empty and took it from me and refilled it with the decanter that sat on the table. The decanter was almost empty, no one motioned for more. The plates were left only with a few chicken bones and unwanted condiments. As if on cue, two busboys entered the room cleared off the mess and returned with new plates and more food and another bottle of wine. One of the busboys took out a bottle opener from his left pocket and deftly uncorked the screw. They exited as quickly as they had entered. I took a cigarette out of Mr. Liu’s pack which he had left on the table and lit it. Mr. Cheng was being fed by the girl in the white tube top. Suzy sighed and rested her head on my shoulder.

“So what are you doing for Chinese New Year’s?” I asked her. It happened to be the year of the pig, a year that would bring good fortune and happiness.

She answered off my shoulder “My sister and I are going to work another week and then go back home to Su Zhou.”

“When’s the last time you were home?” I asked as I took another huge slug of the plum wine emptying my glass.

“About a year ago” Once again she reached for my glass, but this time she placed it on the table. She grabbed the new bottle and poured it into the decanter along with a tin full ice. The ice jingled and clanked happily. “I don’t really like going home much. I don’t really get along with my parents.” She handed my glass back to me after she had refilled it.

“Do they know what you do?” I asked offhandedly.

“Of course not” she said looking at me as if I had asked if the sun was hot. “All they want is the money I bring home anyhow. With the money I’ll bring home this time, it’ll be enough to repair our old roof.”

“So there are no other jobs you would do that would pay you as much?”

“No, but it’s not really so bad. I only choose boys that I like anyways, usually they’re young and handsome just like you, Miss Wang knows that” she said and I could think about was how she was lying right to my face, like she actually had a choice.

“Is Miss Wang your boss?” I ask.

She laughed. “I guess in a sense. She doesn’t own this place, but she runs and manages us girls. But in a sense she’s like a mom. A lot of the girls call her that.”

“What?”

“Mom.”

“Oh.”

Suzy was getting a little red and her eyes seemed glazed and lost.

“I once dated a boy from America” she said. “It was about a year and a half ago. He was real nice to me.” Her eyes wandered off and she started fiddling with her charm again. “He worked on a route from here to Hong Kong for some big offshore trading company. He even got me my own place and paid my bills.”

“That’s nice” I said taking another drink. She continued her reverie.

“He was rich and he bought me a lot of pretty things” She said.

“So why didn’t you just marry him?”

The fantasy was snapped and she looked up from her charm and laughed at me. “Now that’s a silly question. How do you suppose he was going to marry me?” she asked with a touch of spite. At that moment I felt as if I knew very little in the world. I took another drink; Suzy sighed lightly and buried her head into my shoulder again. The decanter was passed around again and again and soon everything was finished once again. The busboys returned but this time Mr. Liu told them to bring him the check.

I gulped down the rest of wine. The other two girls left abruptly without saying a word. “Since you enjoyed that wine so much how about I’ll give you a bottle as a gift?" Suzy asked.

“It’s okay, I’ve had quite enough to drink and I really didn’t really enjoy it much.”

“No really, I insist.”

“No thank you, I really don't like plum wine much” I say as I stifled a sour burp. The sugars from the wine made my head ache.

She seemed to be disheartened. I suddenly felt bad for not accepting the present which she offered, even though it was source of my present dissatisfaction, but asking for the gift now would have been in bad form. The moment had passed. I just felt like getting back to the hotel. “I’m going to go change” Suzy said and left the room just as the other two girls had before her. Mr. Liu scooted up next to me. “So what do you think?” he said.

“It was okay.”

“You hungry? We’re gonna take the girls out and go have some more fun.”

“I’m not sure” I checked my watch, it was about 11:30, we were suppose to wake up and be at the airport by seven.

“C’mon Daniel, don’t be like that, the night is young and we have pretty girls with us. Here” He said as he took a handful of crumpled, sweaty bills to me. “If you do decide to take Suzy out for a date tonight, remember to tip her $50 afterwards.”

The plum wine was doing funny things to my stomach and I wanted to lie down. The girls returned and had replaced their tight skirts and tops with comfortable shorts and jackets. They seemed eager and relaxed from the alcohol. They giggled and huddled together and waited for us to make a move.

“So what about it Daniel?” Mr. Liu asked. “Take your time; we’re going to go downstairs to pay the bill and get a cab.” Mr. Liu and company soon departed out the room and could be heard talking boisterously down the dark marble steps into the lobby below. Suzy had tied her hair back and was wearing cute low cut jeans and the pointy heels which were in fashion at the time. She smiled at me and her two earrings danced and twinkled.

She sat on my lap and clasped her slender little hands behind my head. She beckoned caressingly with her nose and batted her eyelashes on my cheek. She got up slowly and walked up towards the door. She looked back at me yearningly with her beautiful, empty eyes. I accompanied her down the stairs and out across the hall. The four girls in the faux, fur coats bowed again as we exited. Mr. Liu and company were already in a taxi and motioned us in. I didn’t know what else to do so I went into the cab, with Suzy in tow. I got in first and Suzy sat on my lap on account of Mr. Cheng and whoever she was were also in the back and Mr. Cheng and his girl were extremely cramped in the front seat, obviously violating several traffic saftey violations. The girls giggled exuberantly and Suzy clasped her small hand on my cheeks for warmth. “Thanks” she mouthed and smiled. Her bangs played across her face as air rushed from the open windows up front. The taxi darted deftly through light, downtown traffic as the scenery soon grew into a blur of neon streaks, flying hair, the sweet stench of the city streets. Suzy placed her now familiar hand back on my thigh, it no longer felt alien. Mr. Cheng had his hand under a shirt and another clasped around a neck. A moan could be heard in the busyness of the situation.

“You hungry Charlie?”

“What?”

“You hungry? I’m going to have some food delivered. And you girls?”

“No I’m okay.” I answer.

“Yeah make that three orders..” I hear Mr. Cheng say into his cell phone as we zip past the dreary lights, and people, and buildings. Mr. Cheng was staying at a company condo in a gated community just across the street from a Walmart that had just opened up and we were going there to have the little shindig.

I always had reservations about paying for sex, but I guess that I only live once and could not think of any other instance which I would experience such an event. So I just remembered telling myself that Suzy was just a nice girl that I was out on a date with. And I remember thinking that this was all some delicately, intricate ruse.

And that this wasn’t anything out of the extraordinary, me sitting in a cab with two married, middle-aged businessmen and three whores. Yes, quite nothing out of the ordinary and all I could think about was what Terri was doing and when the next time I would see her would be. I started getting really homesick all of a sudden and all I really wanted was to go home and see her.

Monday, June 15, 2009

smooth sailing

I went out sailing for the first time ever this past weekend with my friend Robbie. He bought the boat a few month's back and has been out on the water maybe twice and I didn't even have my sea legs yet. I learned what a jib is however. Sometimes when people tell you that certain things are best done "under the supervision of a professional", you should go ahead and heed their advice. 

The day was calm, the sun was out and it seemed like a nice day to be out in the bay, at least to the eyes of an untrained, unexperienced civilian. I was excited, except for the slight headache I was experiencing from the previous night's bender in which I drank half my body weight in free fat tire at my work's benefit. Self-restraint is not one of my strong suits.

We readied the sails, prepped the rigs, and started the motor. Since neither of us were well versed with steering, my jobs was to use an oar to protect us from hitting the dock or any other boats as we made our way into the open waters. It was a little choppy and my fantasies of a nice smooth day out on the waters were dashed, but I didn't really mind too much, adventures are full of surprises. We hoisted the sails and soon we were powered only by the wind and incompetence. The boat dipped and rocked, sometimes leaning haphazardly to the right, but life was good, the sun shining down, and the spray of the water as we set forth. 

I kept thinking about a girl who I just met who I am enamored with. It is always strange how you are most intrigued and captivated by those things which you can never really have. I thought about her laugh which rings like the tolls of a bell and the way she throws her head back at even the most trivial jokes, her eyes creased in delight and it made me smile. Some things are best kept undisclosed and I don't think I'll ever tell her how beautiful I think her laugh is. Robbie and I sat in the stern, taking turns with the rudder, sipping on Coronas, enjoying the experience.

The further we headed out, the worse the water became. I tried playing with the main sail since it was fluttering and not properly channeling the wind. As I toyed with it, the rigging slipped and the sail came a quarter of the way down, the lines became tangled at the top and I could not get the sail back up to full mast. It flapped angrily in protest to my novice treatment. I went to the bow to try to correct the problem, but made it worse. I asked Robbie if he had any life jackets on board, he shook his head no. He tried to keep the boat as steady as possible, but the water had other plans. Suddenly, the wind ripped violently and the boat whipped suddenly in a 180 degree turn, like a car spinning out. My stomach was set to spin cycle. 

Luckily, the turn had pointed us directly back to port and as quickly as possible, we took down both sails and engaged the trusty old motor. On the way back I thought about nothing else except putting my feet back on solid ground. We made our way back in one piece and broke down the sails and cleaned up a bit. We joked about the experience, only then realizing how close we came to being tossed out into the sea. 

Even though the experience was a bit unnerving, I still want to brave the waters. Life is about chances and sometimes you have to take the risk of being thrown overboard to realize that there can be some things worse than never having even lived a little. 

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Retraction

Just kidding, I didn't get fired, I now have my first published feature ever. Lessons learned:

- It is okay to introduce someone as "a bit of an asshole".

- My editor takes his sweet, sweet time in getting back to me.

- One out of every five articles will get picked up.

- I need to get another job.



Tuesday, June 2, 2009

You're Fired.

So I think I got fired for the first ever time ever. I think of myself as a pretty prudent, hard working individual, sometimes susceptible to bouts of insubordination, but in the end I put in my time and do solid work, I think. I love to write, especially about weird shit that I encounter or experience so I jumped at a chance to write for a startup magazine through a business that I have followed and supported for a long time. The articles entailed that I write features interviewing artists or weird contemporary trends and culture. It seemed like a perfect fit.  I'm not 100% sure that me being fired is a done deal, but my editor hasn't emailed me back in a few weeks and the artist interview I have set up for this week isn't responding after expressing great enthusiasm through email exchanges. 

Granted, most of the shit I have sent in to the editor have been kind of off-kilter stuff that most people would find revolting. Thus far, I have written articles/interviews on an ex-street fighter, a felony convicted marijuana dealer, a fanatic gun collector, a swinging couple, and a Chinese prostitute. Obviously these people wanted to remain anonymous, so the required two to three images per article were kind of out of the question. What most people find weird, I find fascinating. The underbelly of society has always intrigued me, that these people have somehow fallen beneath the path of normality and now live in a world that most people will never experience and never understand. What they do is normal to them.

But I don't think that's what necessarily sealed the deal. My first interview was with an artist I've looked up to and respected for a long time. I went into the interview not only as a writer, but as an avid fan. It took me about three emails just to get him to respond, only with the reply of  "i'm a little bit interviewed out right now, i'll only do it if you ask good questions, if not forget it." Okay fine, understandable, the man has a full plate and probably has been asked the same stupid ass questions a million times. Long story short, he gave answers which were hateful, arrogant, egotistical, and without a grain of humility. His answer to: What advice would you give to any aspiring artists was "Go fuck yourselves" among other illuminating gems. He has just lost a devoted fan. If anyone wants any of art that I have acquired of his on the cheapsky, inquire within.

With the interview section, I wrote an intro and basically called him an asshole, because that's what he came off as. I sent in the article and haven't heard back from the editor since. And to conclude, that is why I think I have been fired and probably blackballed from the company/gallery/magazine for life. For calling someone I used to look up to an asshole. 

None of the articles have been published, maybe they are too outlandish or my writing/interviewing style sucks. I'm not quite sure. The editor has never critiqued or said anything besides asking why I never send the required images. So these things are just sitting in my hard drive probably never having the opportunity to seeing the light of day. So I'm just going to post them one by one up here. I will start with the ex street brawler interview, enjoy.

Modern Day Cowboy


Living in a city like San Francisco, like any international city, where crime is relatively low (in most areas) and people are accepting of differences and eccentricities, it is a little haven away from what the world really is. A bubble of daily life, a hodgepodge of people zipping through the streets, unawares of anything else besides the new fashionable political/environmental/business/celebrity gossip topic. Not ever really knowing what danger and chance really are.The only battles fought now are through commerce, conference rooms oftentimes referred to as war rooms, fighting with words and money, the most cultured of warfare.


Our country was built upon manifest destiny, a striving to West across the vastness of middle America, where treachery and loneliness abounded. It is easy to forget that, living in a city: people have nice safe little lives, visit quaint cafes, sit at the park, and tour galleries on First Thursday walks. A little city of atmosphere and culture.


What happened to men being men? I don't mean the glamorized lifestyle of rappers and gangster type shit, but knowing how to use your hands, standing in the face of confrontation, not backing out when shit hits the fan. Most people prefer their safe little bubbles, putting money down on a mortgage, decorating their condos, voting for their party. The roamers and cowboys of the West are a thing long forgotten, only to be seen portrayed by the likes of John Wayne and the Marlboro man.


I met Q back in college. He is a menacing man who walks with a lumbering gait, shoulders always hunched aggressively forward like a cagefighter entering the ring. He is the type of person you would avoid making eye contact with if passing down a narrow sidewalk. His knuckles are calloused and hard from years of abuse, on his left shoulder is "V" shaped scar, a souvenir from a brawl a few years back. Despite the outwardly intimidating appearance, he is a loyal friend, university educated with a degree in bioscience, and a stolid force in even the most compromising situations.


He grew up fighting in the streets of Ramona, a city outside of San Diego, fighting for pride, fighting with his hands, fighting for everything that was not given to him. Comparatively, most men are nancy boys. I'm not advocating violence, I just lack respect for any man who has never fought and stood up for anything before, to have been built without a spine, raised on education and culture alone. Many people forget that when shit goes awry, we still must fight, and we must know how. 


We meet at a dive bar in Ramona, his local hangout. The place is filled with hicks who give me side glances, we order Coors Light.


On his education:


"I'm the first one in my family with a college degree. To most fucking people out here, that's amazing. My grandfather left me a trust to pay for college and without it, I don't think I would have gone, I would either have ended up in the army, jail, or dead. I fucking love science, its the answer to how everything works. I actually really enjoyed being in college, it was definitely different from where I grew up. I'm still trying to apply to pharmacy school, but right now I'm just working as a substitute teacher and a nurse."


On women/marriage:


"Fuck marriage. It's about the stupidest thing any man can do to himself. My friend Tyler who I use to run with got his girl pregnant a few years back and all he ever does now is work and take care of his kids. Doesn't have a fucking life. And you know what's happening now? He's getting a fucking divorce and has to pay child support. Fucking idiot. I don't think I'll ever be in a relationship, every time I fuck a girl I just don't like her anymore. The only thing I can see myself doing is having a girl from each country in the world, have myself an international family."


On growing up:


"It was never easy having nothing. My parents didn't give a shit what I did. They were pretty fucked up themselves in the head. In the streets, everyone hated everyone else. You stuck to your group and they were family. We were never a gang, we didn't carry weapons or nothing. We fought everyone, the blacks, Mexicans, and the other trailer trash kids. I supported myself by selling 40's and weed to other kids. It wasn't about territory, or whatever the fuck gangs fight for now."


On fighting:


"We just liked to fight, if someone said some shit to you and you didn't like it, you took care of it or you're going to be known as a pussy. Fuck, we fought for the stupidest reasons, but it was what it was." He says this with a grin. "There's nothing like coming out of a fight with your hands all cut up from the other guy's face. We use to set up fights and just go at it. I've been in so many fights now I don't even remember them all. Most people won't fight you unless they're drunk or have somebody else there to back them up. Fuck that."


"People will hear about you from other towns, about how you're good with your hands so you have to fight them. We used to set them up at a buddy's back yard. Sometimes people would put money down."


"I've only been knocked out cold once. That's when I was young and stupid and thought that I could take on anybody. This Mexican dude down the street was talking all kinds of shit and I got right up in his face and he knocked me on my ass. I don't get up in anyone's face anymore. I learned my lesson after that."



Every few years, he'll take off to a new country and bring a backpack. He'll travel for months, doing odd jobs to support himself, picking fruit, bouncing at bars, anything to feed and travel for a week or two. Living on the road, always in seek of adventure and danger. In a sense, it is a very pointless life, with no direction nor meaning. But he lives on whim, with no discretion of where he will go. It is the very epitome of what cultured men have been taught not to do. He is free of any constraints and obligations and was probably better to have been born into a different era. 


He doesn't express shame or regret for the things he has done, merely citing "I would not have survived else wise." It is easy for society to judge men of his character, but where can one go, when life offers no respite for the calling of the primeval. Modern life is often constraining and rigid, lacking in men's needs to beat their chests and plunder. The city with all its artificial edifices are not enough for men like Q. There must be more. 


Apology Letters

I've written several letters in the last two days, some by hand, most electronically, and some embarrassingly through social networking sites only because I didn't have their phone numbers or addresses. If you've read one of my earlier posts, I've stated that it's something that I've always wanted to do, but was incredibly hard for me to set about. They were all apology letters, to girls I've dated or had relationships within the last few years, save a few who were just kind of bitches, excuse my french.

I've been traveling for the last 3 weeks, sleeping in airplanes, airports, buses, couches, trains, hostels, benches and any other place I can lie my head and get a few moments respite. Fourteen hour flights ain't got shit on me, it's the god awful movies that I have a problem with. Whenever I am away from home, it gives me time to reflect on everything that has been going on, what moves I want to make next and how things have been going. One thing I've kept going back to is the way I've mistreated women in my past and for as many excuses I can give about that, the blame invariably falls upon my own shoulders. When I'm walking through the world alone in a place I've never been, I realize how utterly lonely I will become if I continue through life trudging through the mud. I've done and said things that make me want to throw up and kick myself in the face a million times and all the inner turmoil I've suffered through the last few months is probably still not enough retribution, but now I'm straddling the line of self-flagellation. 

So I just decided to do it, I spread it out over the course of a two nights writing fest. Mostly just doing a lot of apologizing, ranging from a paragraph to two pages depending on the amount of asshole I was. It's been an incredible relief and as far as life goes, I don't really want to head down that path ever again. I'm sure a lot of the letters will be received with a pinch of salt and others with complete disregard, but I haven't done anything with more conviction in awhile. It started out really with just one letter and after that was done o.c.d. reared his ugly head and said "bitch, you ain't done. there's at least six more you have to write." So, I did it, one after another, pages and pages of my sordid past getting pulled back to the surface. 

It's easy to be a dick, you just have to be an inconsiderate egomaniac. I find it a lot harder to be a good person and it's something I'm really trying to work at, but these things take time and i'll really have to see how things go.