I started my summer off with a death. My Uncle John passed away this past June due to health complications after having gone through open heart surgery. I travelled back promptly to Taiwan to be with my family and tried to be strong even though inside I felt like a child again. It was hard to see my aunt and her family's grief and mostly I tried to be a man although it's hard to define what that really means.
My Uncle was one of the funniest and most charismatic people I have ever known and although he is gone I still carry along the lessons, conversations, and love that he imparted on me throughout my childhood and life. It made me think about my own father and time. How much time has passed and how very precious relationships and experiences are. How careless I've been as a young adult in my 20's and how bullheaded and arrogant my attitudes were with family and those who truly mean something. It was a rough way to start the summer, but it grounded me in a lot of ways. To realize what is truly important. To understand that time is always fleeting.
“People living alone get used to loneliness.”
I've always thought that I could make it own my own. Any problems or mishaps that occurred in my life could be taken care of by myself. I thought I didn't need anyone. I was a lone wolf, solitary, independent. But I was wrong. Over the last few years I had been self-medicating pretty hard and I never thought that things were out of control, but I was definitely not there. I was hiding behind a wall of drugs, alcohol, and denial.
I surrounded myself with people that weren't positive and who I thought were my friends. Really I was just stuck living the same lie I had been for the past decade. I did not really try my first year in grad school. I skated by, I deflected when I needed to, and I was never fully engaged. I had always thought that I could just coast by in life.
I went through an entire year of therapy. There certainly were times when sI felt like it was a complete waste of time. I set up meetings on Monday morning so it was literally what started my week. It certainly wasn't fun, but it allowed me to talk about things which I had kept hidden and buried for so long. And when it was all out in the open, things weren't really that bad. I knew that I had to make a change in my life, I had to cut out some friends, I had to cut out the drugs, and I had to engage.
This summer has been quite extraordinary for me. I feel like a new person. I feel alive. I feel good. Maybe a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am turning 30 in less than a week. Maybe a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am in a very healthy and stable relationship with a beautiful girl. Maybe a lot of it has to do with cutting out vices and negative influences in my life. I don't think that it is any one particular thing, but I do know that I have made a change, and certainly for the better.
Going to grad school has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. It has surrounded me with people who have not only also invested their lives in art, but are productive and encouraging of my work and my mental well-being. I know now that I am no longer a lone wolf in a landscape, but have friends, family, and a supportive girlfriend standing by my side. I know now that things are possible and that the dark times are over. Although there will be other hardships that arise as life progresses, I won't have to deal with them on my own.
I am done looking back at the past, I want to keep moving forward. I want and know that the path that I have chosen has been right. And even in the end, if I am not successful, I will have given it that shot and maybe that's the gift in itself.
I have a show coming up this Friday at Arc Gallery (1246 Folsom Street, SF). I will be there at 7pm if you want to stop by and say hello. Things are looking on the up and up and I could not be more excited for this next chapter in life.
