Sunday, May 23, 2010

i've always wanted love that was thick and heavy. clinging to me like butterscotch or salt water taffy. to be enraptured in it, to lose time, and focus, and family, and friends, and maybe even emma, god forbid. i'll admit that i am a hopeless romantic, almost disgustingly so. and don't even start with me now because i've already gotten so much shit about it from my homebois.

i feel like sometimes i'm just out to make myself miserable. that i am just some masochistic fool looking for trouble. but i've always thought that life cannot be complete without a few bumps and bruises. i've never understood people who don't like to gamble a little bit, and even understood less people who don't drink.

i've never trusted happiness because it is such a fleeting thing. being content is for housewives.

i'll be in new york til june 4th.

Friday, May 21, 2010

the lovers

they had met at a tennis club or some other snobby social gathering. jill was young, beautiful, and seductive. she lived for nothing but fleeting whim, but had recently been threatened from being withheld from her trust if she did not settle down and be a good girl. her parents, were of the old world and they did not understand all this independence nonsense.

jack was a nice boy. he was industrious and worked hard at his job. sometimes on the weekends he went out with his friends for a few beers, but never anything too crazy. he was level-headed and had grown complacent with solidarity as he had spent most of his 27 years by himself.

so it was a shock to jack that jill stuck around talking to him that afternoon at the tennis club, even after she had accidentally spilled her cocktail on him. jack of course knew who jill was, because there was no denying her presence.

jill was so versed in the art of love that soon she had little jack wrapped around her fingers. the trust was secured and she could go on living her unproductive, yet pampered life. she kept jack like you would a toy dachshund, clutched tightly to the bosom. but they were good lovers, or at least jack eventually came to be, after the first few dozen tries. jill was content, but she was not satisfied, because she was only playing it safe, and safe was not sexy.

jill eventually grew accustomed to the attention which jack lavished on her and you could even say that she loved him to a certain extent, just as much love that she could muster for anyone but herself. it was different for jack. he loved her completely. but jack was a simple person, what some might even call a fool. because ultimately a girl like jill was merely looking to be entertained. she was like a feather in the breeze, wafting away on any forgone fancy.

and one day she was gone and poor jack was only left with the memories and the remnant smell of her hair on his pillows. she had given him everything he had ever wanted and loved and known. she was a beautiful drug that he could never taste again.

so he hid himself in his little box and vowed to never to come out and play again.

"jack, but aren't you so lonely by yourself?" people would ask.

"no i am busy and i just dont think i could handle a relationship right now"

"jack, but don't you want to find love again?"

"no i found it once and i was fooled"

"jack, but don't you think you're narrow minded?"

"yes, but it is the only way i feel safe" because it was the truth and he never thought that he could go through that bullshit again.

he went on doing his own things, going to work, seeing his friends on the weekends, even going back to the tennis club, but only after he had confirmed that jill was not still a regular. and things went on after that little road bump and he was happy, but never quite the same again. not after that first taste.

it had been horrible coming off it, but it was the most perfect drug. and eventually he would have to test the waters again.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

late night rant

things have been super busy lately, but that's good and i feel like i've been hitting my stride; everything has been going accordingly. sometimes i look at the greats and i feel like i haven't done enough in my life or seen enough things. i've always thought it's a healthy shock to realize that i am merely a speck in the universe and no matter what i do it willl be meaningless.

i am happy, but i understand these plateaus come at a cost. I look forward to the next canyon and hopefully by then I'll be so goddamn incoherent that I won't even know who I am talking to.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

i've been seeing this girl again and i quite like her. but these feelings stir inside and memories from the past resurface; and i remember that amorous tendencies can lead to comedowns more horrible than any vegas bachelor party. i suppose it's more about control than anything. and fear. and a million other things.

"if two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it" hemingway

"there is always one woman to save you from another and as that woman saves you she makes ready to destroy" bukowski

thanks for the heads up guys.