tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37669867040232829962024-02-07T21:41:46.819-08:00Daniel ChenSan Francisco ArtistAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.comBlogger133125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-28782814046516167172017-02-26T17:34:00.002-08:002017-02-26T17:34:49.926-08:00Family Shrink<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I wake up around 7:30am and there is a slight drizzle
outside. I’m meeting my uncle, my dad’s older brother, for breakfast at 8:30. The last time I saw him was at the Taiwanese National Psychiatry hospital where he works. Usually I pick my words like a cat tip
toeing across a fence when I speak to him.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I get to the Pancake House and he is already there at a
table waiting for me. He’s wearing a collared shirt tucked in to his slacks, on
his wrist is an old Seiko he’s worn for decades.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Hey Uncle Tony.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Hi Daniel!” he says extending his hand out to me smiling
broadly. “You look good!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Thank you, how are you doing?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m doing well, just enjoying a short vacation with your
Aunt.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“How come she couldn’t join us this morning?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“She’s busy meeting up some old church friends.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“How long have you guys been in town for?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Just 2 days, staying until next Thursday.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Are you still working in Taiwan?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yeah at the same hospital you came to last time.” He had
let me go into the restricted psych ward and it was a little bit like a scene
from “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”. The patients milling aong the long
hallways would turn to him when we walked by, give a nod, and say “Hello
Director”.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I thought you were going to retire?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No, just a few more years and I think I’m going to move out
here to the states. The air is much better and I would like to just work out in
the garden.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The server comes by and takes our orders.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“How are you feeling these days?” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m okay, pretty much clockwork: painting and coaching. I
was a depressed for a few months recently, but I think smoking weed helps with
the anxiety.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
His brow furrows for only a second. “Didn’t California just
legalize weed?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yeah, would you like to try some?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No, no, no” he says laughing, “An old man like me shouldn’t
be messing with that stuff.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I think you would enjoy it” I say half jokingly. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We catch up and talk about family and the things that have
passed. The server brings us our food. He asks about my art and how things are
going. I tell him that he should visit my studio before he has to take off.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I would love to stop by, would this weekend work?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I can’t this weekend, I’m flying out to Vegas in a few hours,
but any time next week I’ll be in.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What are you doing in Vegas?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“A friend of mine is thinking about investing in some
property out there and I’m just going along for the ride.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Do you gamble?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yeah, too much. You?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Only once in awhile.”<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“How long have you been practicing art now?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“It’s been about ten years.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Time sure does go by fast. I’ve been looking at your new
stuff, what’s it about?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Just something new, moving towards a more abstract style.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Well, I’m quite enjoying it and would love to see them in
person. I’m proud of how far you’ve come along and hope you keep pursuing your
talents. You’ve always been a very smart boy, if not a little rambunctious when you were young.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Thank you.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Your maternal grandfather was an artist right?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“So is my mom.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Must run in the family.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yes, I’d think so.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You know your father was quite an illustrator and designer
himself before he had to work for the family business.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’ve heard that before.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“There are good and bad things about being an artist and
having such an open lifestyle.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What do you mean?”<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“It’s wonderful that you’re able to create your own little
worlds and explore modes of thought, but you have to be careful.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Careful about what?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Well, I’ve had many creative patients become to caught up
in the worlds they create and they lose a real grasp on reality.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I don’t think I’m that crazy yet.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I think you’re far from crazy, you just seem to be stuck on
the past quite a bit. Just remember to have a balance to your life.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“It’s a hard thing to do.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yes, it’s not always easy. Are you still smoking
cigarettes?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No, I stopped a few months ago besides when I drink.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“That’s good, I didn’t quit until I was in my 40’s.
Girlfriend?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Nope.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You don’t want to be married?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Not really, no.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Why not?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Because I have to give up a lot of what I want to be with
someone. I enjoy being selfish right now.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You don’t want any kids?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I would like kids, but I don’t think you necessarily have
to be married to have them.” He seems disappointed when I say this, but I may just be projecting<o:p></o:p></div>
. “It’s not
like I have a real problem meeting women, just keeping them around.”<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“One failed relationship, leads to another.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Even more reason to want to be alone.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We finish our meal and make plans for him to visit next
week. I have always enjoyed our conversations together despite my own hesitations about talking to a shrink. As we pay for the bill and say goodbye I wonder what he really things
about the way my life has turned out. I drive back home to grab my bags and
order an Uber to the airport, leaving for one of my least favorite places in
the world.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-67364418625456729302016-11-28T05:34:00.001-08:002016-11-28T05:38:45.139-08:008 Days (팔일)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWmsGzV-Ij0SaWVn84vBDxu37-IIUPLUlQyofsAde-c488px_PY_dEUSkhvHPN741Pp7SYjPVKmhtTS-rtJjF9kHnWF45iuVefbbtkVuwu5pUQLOodGp5vFpq64yaQFaLkwojr_T3YTaXX/s1600/IMG_4747.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWmsGzV-Ij0SaWVn84vBDxu37-IIUPLUlQyofsAde-c488px_PY_dEUSkhvHPN741Pp7SYjPVKmhtTS-rtJjF9kHnWF45iuVefbbtkVuwu5pUQLOodGp5vFpq64yaQFaLkwojr_T3YTaXX/s640/IMG_4747.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>Ghosts in the Studio (</i>스튜디오의 유령)</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t particularly get along with people for long periods
of time. I am pretty choosy about the people I spend my time with because most
people tend to annoy me after about an hour. It’s probably the leading reason
I can’t seem to keep a relationship for longer than a year. I’m not sure
whether it’s because other people are boring or the other way around, I have
never spent much time trying to figure it out. I don’t engage much in small
talk or banter, unless it’s a situation which brings me some sort of social
benefit, but I think that’s most people. I think that’s why Hak and I get along
so well, we don’t really have to talk to figure things out.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hak lands late Friday afternoon and is planning on staying
for 8 days. I pick him up at the airport and he is wearing black boots, jeans,
and a t shirt. “The weather here is much nicer than Seoul” he says as we drop
off his bags at my house. Our first stop is the studio. I have gotten most of
the essential materials, but tell him we will stop by the art store first thing
in the morning tomorrow. Some friends stop by to say hello and we head out to a
swanky little beer bar across the street from Dolores Park. There is a girl
there who I used to see, but it’s nothing that a few drinks can’t fix. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We take a bar brawl down through Valencia to my favorite haunts:
Elbo Room, Skylark, and finally Casanova. Me and Hak break off from the group
and head over to Panchitas for some papusas. I can tell that the travel is
catching up to him so we say goodbye to the group and we head back home for the
night. We wake up on Saturday and go straight to work. The next week goes by
like clockwork. Breakfast, studio, lunch, studio, dinner, studio. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkhrH_huYLa_W8c-ft4JWiOysFDZHQI0We2QXYSairSJP7SQ3DMjAHH1d7tnHX3eJp7KdwzmRxiYNfiG5BDT3GjHvoEMhVt0JdBsDX4qUFxHNWIDkF1WVsbFezt6ha75-Taj5_TNWofvQA/s1600/IMG_4759.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkhrH_huYLa_W8c-ft4JWiOysFDZHQI0We2QXYSairSJP7SQ3DMjAHH1d7tnHX3eJp7KdwzmRxiYNfiG5BDT3GjHvoEMhVt0JdBsDX4qUFxHNWIDkF1WVsbFezt6ha75-Taj5_TNWofvQA/s640/IMG_4759.jpg" width="512" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i>Quarter life Slump (</i>분기 생활 슬럼프)<i> 29x24 Mixed Media on Canvas</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I ask Hak if
there is anything special he wants to see, “Maybe the Golden Gate Bridge?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No, no. I didn’t see the Golden Gate Bridge while I lived
here. I just want to hang out and paint.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was the answer I was hoping for. Although we live in
different countries and speak different languages, our lives have taken very
similar trajectories. We are both single and in our 30s. We have taken blue
collar and menial jobs in order to survive. We don’t seem to be able to hold
down steady relationships. But we are free in a way that most people are not. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We pick up where we last saw each other in Korea. The pace
we work at is set to hectic. We are intending to finish 8 pieces during his
stay, one complete piece for each day. I’ve always seen the way we work as
improvisational jazz, a layering of distorted scales and vibrant color
palettes, layered style over style until we deem the piece complete. Gesso,
house paint, pastels, charcoal, acrylics, and oil paint. It is a constant flux
of creation and destruction, building up and tearing down.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RP0lU_m2onY/WDwd9o8OafI/AAAAAAAABaY/BVNc2-sG050Xy0CAu4d5sYoy-NfxpeWlwCLcB/s1600/IMG_4765.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RP0lU_m2onY/WDwd9o8OafI/AAAAAAAABaY/BVNc2-sG050Xy0CAu4d5sYoy-NfxpeWlwCLcB/s640/IMG_4765.jpg" width="418" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>Exile (</i>망명)<i> 36x24 Mixed Media on Canvas</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“How are things going back in Korea?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“They are good. I’m going to apply to grad school this
winter and I'm going to quit my bartending job. I want to dedicate my time fully to
painting.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No new girlfriends?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No, sometimes girls try to talk to me at the bar or leave
their phone numbers. I’ve just started to tell them I’m gay so that they leave
me alone. What about you?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No, I don’t really have time right now, but my Mom bothers
me about it every time we talk. When she asks when I’m going to have a
grandchild I just ask her what nationality she would like.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMDGtJHUl2IzK54-gAuqBTqOWoBwPNBpl-ePVbKEsiKdHJlUTyqu_gnutCCK28b64v0hMuHTbJFQDF_TFwal-tZrJ5arzcu6bhwRj0i6dlLKM55qrL6VUEzf1soGmb10nNTk1zM4BI3baL/s1600/IMG_4763.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMDGtJHUl2IzK54-gAuqBTqOWoBwPNBpl-ePVbKEsiKdHJlUTyqu_gnutCCK28b64v0hMuHTbJFQDF_TFwal-tZrJ5arzcu6bhwRj0i6dlLKM55qrL6VUEzf1soGmb10nNTk1zM4BI3baL/s640/IMG_4763.jpg" width="420" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>Man from Seoul (서울 출신의 남자) 36x24 Mixed Media on Canvas</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We head out to burritos for like the 10<sup>th</sup> time.
Afterwards we stop by Hak’s friends place in the Tenderloin. A____ is a young
painter still in school and has lofty dreams of moving to New York after school.
His studio is like many artist studios I have visited in the Tenderloin,
drenched in stale cigarette smoke, rows of empty liquor bottles, and a
kitchenette doubling as a work space. He rolls up a joint and passes it around.
It is a place that dreams are made and crushed, some place both Hak and I have
been before. The young artist’s studio is a lonely and sacred place filled with
uncertainty. We talk about life and art and school and the people we know. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Just stick with it and you’ll be okay A____.” It’s the same
advice I’ve been given a million times.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The last few months of my life have been fairly chaotic.
There have been several curveballs thrown my way and I seem to always load up
and swing at nothing but air. Hak’s visit is a welcome reprieve to my daily
routine and the anxieties which plague my mind. When we paint together, all I really
focus on is the next move, the next painting. A culmination of all the skills I
have acquired and have yet to learn. It is a familiar place, a place I am
comfortable, the need to produce under restraints and a tight deadline. It
feels good to know that I have an art brother who’s going through the same
exact things as I am across the sea. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mZe5jbjgODY/WDweA_aCsvI/AAAAAAAABao/kGg8FpSALKwq0LyiAijQboW7qwGOKenpgCLcB/s1600/IMG_4767.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mZe5jbjgODY/WDweA_aCsvI/AAAAAAAABao/kGg8FpSALKwq0LyiAijQboW7qwGOKenpgCLcB/s640/IMG_4767.jpg" width="420" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>5 Days Left to Go (</i>떠난지 5 일 남았습니다) <i>36x24 Mixed Media on Canvas</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We head out to the MoMa, we visit the De Young, and we stop
by several gallery shows. Friends, family, and collectors stop by and say hello
at the studio. We eat more burritos than I am happy to admit and the work comes
fast and easily. We talk about the work during breaks, about the composition,
layout, and balance. We talk about things that we intend to do or sometimes we
just do them. We stop when we need to and we smoke too many cigarettes. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve come to realize that there are no easy ways through
life. As I grow older and life continues, there are only more responsibilities
and more constraints. Life becomes a fight between work and personal life. And
the older I get, the only certainty is death. A life of memories only dictated
by what you put into it. The painting will be made no matter what, good or bad,
it is the process and the time in between that really counts. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The week passes by quickly and soon enough the week is up. We
stop by the studio one last time. We touch up, measure, sign, and name the
paintings. We head over to Hak’s favorite Thai place in the Tenderloin for our
last meal. I’m just glad it isn’t Mexican.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGlQIbgJxUb7EYNUU7mENv195eTvS6CCalXiM8XYfUQvC5vPN4RZmVowZYEF6aC7ZBsqkVTaJFHpyx-Wrf53X4gcy7ezhXqQxJuVKZC-Ka906ecAgYXBKvornDZk1s5vmmqsNFbkAJ29ae/s1600/IMG_4769.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGlQIbgJxUb7EYNUU7mENv195eTvS6CCalXiM8XYfUQvC5vPN4RZmVowZYEF6aC7ZBsqkVTaJFHpyx-Wrf53X4gcy7ezhXqQxJuVKZC-Ka906ecAgYXBKvornDZk1s5vmmqsNFbkAJ29ae/s640/IMG_4769.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>Flower Curtain (</i>꽃 커튼) <i>30x24 Mixed Media on Canvas</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Did you enjoy your stay here? I’m sorry that we didn’t do
more fun stuff.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“It was the perfect trip, I did everything I wanted to do.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We go back home and he packs up his stuff and I drop him off
at the airport. I tell him I’ll try to sell the paintings as best I can, but
you can never really tell with these things. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Don’t worry about that. The paintings are good.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’ll try to take a trip out to Korea next summer.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Ok. Thank you for everything Daniel. I will see you soon.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPDk8CZFD8Uq-RquYB4tbFx_O857EvXndM5N08OBCu6d8v_vgOu5Jp4Nma_psp0JfUPpJCUYPuQ6eIO6iDV_DSq_YiYTdHSIFy-7M-aQZpnNyV58FQ-CCHdFW80qdm4dLqwdVKJwUxsfjP/s1600/IMG_4746.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="418" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPDk8CZFD8Uq-RquYB4tbFx_O857EvXndM5N08OBCu6d8v_vgOu5Jp4Nma_psp0JfUPpJCUYPuQ6eIO6iDV_DSq_YiYTdHSIFy-7M-aQZpnNyV58FQ-CCHdFW80qdm4dLqwdVKJwUxsfjP/s640/IMG_4746.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>The Artists in the Studio (</i>스튜디오의 아티스트)</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I get home, the house is filled with sounds of
celebration. My brother has invited friends and family over for his birthday and
there is a feeling of warmth and comfort. It feels good to be done with the
long week of endless painting. I have a flight to catch myself later that night
and I settle in to some whiskey and banter. I hug and chat with friends, some
who I’ve known for my whole life and it makes me happy to be in their company.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It might be the whiskey talking, but I feel overly
sentimental and have a conversation about my personal life with a friend,
something which rarely happens. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What happened to S_____?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Nothing, just didn’t work out.” I pause for a moment. “Sometimes
people just want different things. I love her to death, but it’s just not the
way things were meant to be.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I thought you guys would work it out, you seemed to want
things to work out. You’ve never tried particularly hard in relationships,
until it was with her.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t know how to particularly reply to so I just say
something stupid like, “There are plenty of fish in the sea.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDDHW8Gi3JJJBffplkZT2y1BgVudI_E-6n_AsKd2-KP7PZg7jmLT6fmLXV8n4G-dgpzvOmkXAVuLO12-Qg5_JB-vkyOna15wJ-hHSlI8Tj3B4AJSWqq2V5-nwiv_MObPqy3kbLxMltDM3D/s1600/IMG_4771.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDDHW8Gi3JJJBffplkZT2y1BgVudI_E-6n_AsKd2-KP7PZg7jmLT6fmLXV8n4G-dgpzvOmkXAVuLO12-Qg5_JB-vkyOna15wJ-hHSlI8Tj3B4AJSWqq2V5-nwiv_MObPqy3kbLxMltDM3D/s640/IMG_4771.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>Waiting in Ambush (</i>매복에서 기다리고있다) <i>48x36 Mixed Media on Canvas</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I tell my brother “happy birthday”, grab my bags and a
friend drops me off for my redeye. I have another whiskey at the airport bar and
barely make it through takeoff. I wake up in a different country, in a
different timezone, as a different person. I make my way to my childhood home
and say hello to my parents. We go visit my grandma who’s been in the hospital
and not feeling too well. It’s nice to just sit with her while I write this
story and reflect on the last few weeks. We don’t speak much, but I know that
she likes it when I just sit around with her. She asks if I have a new
girlfriend.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No Grandma, no new girlfriend.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What happened to the last girl.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“We’re still friends.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Well, then just forget about it.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Ok I’ll do that.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You should have a kid soon.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“That’s not just up to me.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I’m sitting here writing this story I get a phone call
from a number I haven’t seen in a long time. I step outside and answer the
phone.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Hello Daniel.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Hey.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“How are you?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m in Taiwan, visiting my family. It’s nice to hear your
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In 8 days, so much of life has changed.</div>
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<i>Flowers in the Mouth of A Beast (짐승의 입에 꽃) 48x36 Mixed Media on Canvas</i></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-47476476923243641642016-11-08T17:04:00.000-08:002016-11-08T17:16:29.880-08:00Going off the Grid at a Semi-Legal Pot Farm<div class="MsoNormal">
I reconnected with an old friend, C_____, at a wedding back
in September. In high school I was worried about what college I would get into
while C______ was nickel and diming his way into the weed business. I had
started smoking weed in high school, but never really ever thought about
selling the stuff even though I saw all the financial gains many friends made
through the risky business. C_____ continued through his career and made it
from low level dealer, to distributor, to running several successful grow
operations grossing profits in the mid 6 figures per year. He invited me out to
a joint venture farm he was involved in out in the hills of Northern
California. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You should come out if you’ve got some time man” he said
invitingly, “It’s off the grid, you can shoot guns, BBQ, and help me out here
and there.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m right in the middle of the water polo season, but I’ll
drop you a line once the season is over.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was one of those things that you just say, but don’t
necessarily plan on doing. The thought of living off grid was intriguing, but I
really had no conviction of actually making it out there. It was just a passing
conversation and I did not think very much of it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A few months pass and I get a call from C_____. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Hey man, you still on planning to make it out?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Last week of water polo, I’ll be wrapping it up on
Saturday.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Ok well, give me a call then.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There were a few days which I considered whether or not to
make the trip out. There was just the logistics of taking a week off work,
getting a sitter for the dog, and other things a responsible adult had to
consider. On top of that, there was just the trepidation of what it would be
like living in the middle of nowhere on a semi-legal marijuana farm with a
bunch of people with guns I didn’t know. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As the season wound down to an end, I thought fuck it and decided to go. It was probably the last time someone would invite me to a pot farm. I needed the break and I really had nothing to lose.
Worse case scenario I would be calling my brother to bail me out of jail. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>----------------------------------------------------<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I call C_____ for directions and pack enough food
and beer for 5 days and make my way up into the California wilderness. The drive
itself is not bad until the last 5 miles, which are all backwoods roads which
my 4 door sedan is not made for. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that each of
those miles were filled with fear and anxiety, both from the road conditions
and the situation itself. Luckily, the forecasted rain does not show up and I
make it to a padlocked front gate. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJ9F0P04iq1nRtu_FDTxcsn_3aUYCv3O2oestTXy64kUQncfFVt_UgA5KakH1wpkzT89JwpgRtlsCk0pqJpF-avmDLT4zph6b7Byke1WNjeLhF1Nwpz5PdJMrTYzlAfHTFcueH26bjB-vV/s1600/IMG_4524.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJ9F0P04iq1nRtu_FDTxcsn_3aUYCv3O2oestTXy64kUQncfFVt_UgA5KakH1wpkzT89JwpgRtlsCk0pqJpF-avmDLT4zph6b7Byke1WNjeLhF1Nwpz5PdJMrTYzlAfHTFcueH26bjB-vV/s640/IMG_4524.JPG" width="480" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Scenic drive to the Farm</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Hey C______, I’m out at the front, can you come grab me?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After a few minutes, C______ comes charging down the hill
towards the gate on an ATV, he smiles while opening the padlock. His beard is
weeks old and he is wearing heavy rain boots and gear. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Dude, good to see you. Can’t believe you made it out.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Good to be here man, those last few miles are no joke.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdQ3DdglSdmABVkfmQx0cVujdL7J9M7aFfZTzNcMcuTd9gvjFQGwKe8wk2c2yF9AJSMDtjaewe_0Y1D_yOQGrBHzz0MfMZLmxeKgezmuKUXKz9cs77RRjSapke2j6wlSDzN_xk2tJEak8m/s1600/IMG_4536.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdQ3DdglSdmABVkfmQx0cVujdL7J9M7aFfZTzNcMcuTd9gvjFQGwKe8wk2c2yF9AJSMDtjaewe_0Y1D_yOQGrBHzz0MfMZLmxeKgezmuKUXKz9cs77RRjSapke2j6wlSDzN_xk2tJEak8m/s640/IMG_4536.JPG" width="480" /></a></div>
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Home at the Farm</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I make my way up the driveway leading into the main camp and
park my car alongside a makeshift gravel road. The main camp, which I will call
home for the next few days, consists of an RV, a port-o-potty, a cargo
container, a makeshift kitchen, and a weed processing tent. The hum of a
generator will be the backdrop hum for the weekend. C_______ introduces me to some of the other
people in the camp. The first person I meet is K_______ who is the owner of the
property and farm. He is in late 50s with a peppered beard and glasses. As I
shake his hand I notice that he is carrying a black handgun on his waistband. “Welcome
to the farm!” He says warmly. My blood pressure creeps up a few ticks. Besides
that, the scenery is beautiful. I am in the middle of the wilderness and I
reassure myself that this is exactly what I wanted to experience.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
C______ shows me around and instructs me to sit in the cargo
seat at the front of the ATV. He guns it up the mountain to the second camp
which houses another processing tent and the future site of their greenhouse grow
op. I meet A____ who is the engineer and maintenance man of the farm, he is
young, bearded, and full with excitement. I imagine myself at that age living
in a situation like this. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ3ksOCfGjlaNNN0fgwSg0QTerzVoTV0NF0qcwQLL7eOxxIsPsT-PxUxQH8pmi_pN9jBLtu3uHYovN_QnEv8ZSl7Cjo7IhZe5j33-lwNjSUdnWlfcy23oEosQ4R2ChWBAwUQ1fBI4i_gTx/s1600/IMG_4542.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ3ksOCfGjlaNNN0fgwSg0QTerzVoTV0NF0qcwQLL7eOxxIsPsT-PxUxQH8pmi_pN9jBLtu3uHYovN_QnEv8ZSl7Cjo7IhZe5j33-lwNjSUdnWlfcy23oEosQ4R2ChWBAwUQ1fBI4i_gTx/s640/IMG_4542.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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View from the top camp</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is a pervasive smell of weed everywhere on the 44-acre
property. The top camp which sits on top on a hill offers an undisturbed
view for hundreds of miles. C_____ points out neighboring farms which are dotted throughout the landscape. He tells me
that there was a wildfire caused by AT&T last year which wiped out hundreds
of acres in the county. The fire forced the county to allow several emergency
permits to recoup losses and was the one of the driving reasons that the farm came
to fruition.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hop back on the ATV and we head down to the bottom of the
property which houses the outdoor grow operation. There I meet J_____ who is
the head farmer and oversees the plants and growing. The outdoor grow houses
hundreds of plants, some the size of a Fiat. The amount of plants is staggering. We head back up to the main camp and it starts to rain. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6-KJCXCId_2IVy3haF8ZUFYmVy5xFymQQ5ucuMliOyzrQcxQbgA7yfyiNOzAkTe5zo9L3GcFrftLlIE7_96EdGh5jka8i_c-zVuCXcr3nALNil5qYURhM9JZwkavmlgiNSgdZBZsDuWse/s1600/IMG_4622.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6-KJCXCId_2IVy3haF8ZUFYmVy5xFymQQ5ucuMliOyzrQcxQbgA7yfyiNOzAkTe5zo9L3GcFrftLlIE7_96EdGh5jka8i_c-zVuCXcr3nALNil5qYURhM9JZwkavmlgiNSgdZBZsDuWse/s640/IMG_4622.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
View of the Bottom Camp</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Do you mind helping me with some trimming?” C____ asks. C_____
shows the process of “deboning”. Taking a large branch of marijuana, he deftly
snips off small branches and carefully plucks off small nugs and throw them
into a large black container. “Y<a href="https://youtu.be/O1D0iKAsdw8">ou don’t have to make them perfect, we have amachine up top which will trim off all the excess leaves and branches</a>.” There
are dozens of bins all filled to the brim. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6AIqvEltrQ&feature=youtu.be">The work is unending</a>. The rain picks
up outside. There are 4 other trimmers all at their work stations, some with
earphones and others chatting. The work is hard and monotonous, each bin takes about an hour or two to finish. There are about 20 bins, not including what is drying in the cargo containers.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After a few hours it is dusk. I go to my car and bring out a
few beers. I brought a large pack of flank steak and decide to share it
with everyone. C____ asks me if I want to take a hit of a large joint he’s just
rolled but I decline, maybe it wasn’t the best time for me to quit smoking
weed. After years of paying for the stuff, I’m now declining it when there are hundreds of pounds of it surrounding me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The first night’s dinner is a simple spaghetti and steak in
the rain. The forecast says that it will last throughout the next day, but I
don’t really mind it. I try to light a fire, but the firewood is too damp and
there’s no point to wasting too much fuel to get it going. I dig into a
few more beers as everyone moves back into the processing tent for a few more
hours of work. Around 11:30,
people start packing it in. Some people sleep in their cars while the rest head into RVs spread throughout the farm. The rain starts coming down hard, a few claps of thunder in the distance.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“It’s only supposed to get worse tomorrow.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
C____ shows me the RV where I will be sleeping in. It is a
simple couch/cot and luckily I had the foresight to bring an extra sleeping bag.
It is certainly not the tidiest or well-run camp I’ve ever been in, but I am
too tired to think about the safety and health conditions before drifting
quickly into a dreamless sleep.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wake up early to raindrops spattering on the window. Only K_____ is up and we chat for a bit while I get eggs,
sausages, and bacon going on the outdoor grill. I ask him why he’s decided to
get into the weed industry so late in his life. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HoSP0rZ3hfc/WCI989-nytI/AAAAAAAABX8/2SZjnATuVMQ5XXi2t1gMei_D-IsvD8V3wCLcB/s1600/IMG_4567.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HoSP0rZ3hfc/WCI989-nytI/AAAAAAAABX8/2SZjnATuVMQ5XXi2t1gMei_D-IsvD8V3wCLcB/s640/IMG_4567.JPG" width="476" /></a></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
K____ 's gun sitting nonchalantly on the bed</div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Well, I’ve owned this property for years and just wanted to
monetize it. I’ve been in real estate my entire career and am thinking about
selling my business soon. I started looking into weed, because I’ve started to
develop Parkinson’s. I got this property a decade ago and wanted to put it to some good use to it. I met C______ through his father and we have kind of just taken
it from there.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“So you and C______ have been working on this for awhile?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yeah, since about February of last year. The only thing is
with C______ 's pending court cases. You know about those right?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yeah C_____ filled me in.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
C______ and J______ had their 3 warehouses in the East Bay raided by county police and they
are currently facing 10 felony charges between the two of them. They have chosen to double down on their business and set up camp out in the wilderness. Since the farm is permitted through the county, it is technically legal for the growing and processing of marijuana. Dependent on the result of the vote on Prop 64 (legalization of recreational pot), C_____ and J______'s outstanding felony counts would be dropped if the proposition passes. However, the prices for black market growers would completely bottom out.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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</div>
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</div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kFakL11uVNo/WCI97SOcwEI/AAAAAAAABXw/ikrkuhcP24YT8w3CZ9DAwdmsJD5yslyzgCLcB/s1600/IMG_4549.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kFakL11uVNo/WCI97SOcwEI/AAAAAAAABXw/ikrkuhcP24YT8w3CZ9DAwdmsJD5yslyzgCLcB/s400/IMG_4549.JPG" width="300" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
High Grade California Outdoor Marijuana</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kF8xX_60-48/WCI98dZIKTI/AAAAAAAABX4/MGkitgXzNEkxmp8oImvYrY0AwQ6QmYvdwCLcB/s1600/IMG_4571.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kF8xX_60-48/WCI98dZIKTI/AAAAAAAABX4/MGkitgXzNEkxmp8oImvYrY0AwQ6QmYvdwCLcB/s400/IMG_4571.JPG" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of several cargo containers used for drying</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr44AL5CeM_Kda3kXU9YyZaMmVj4EYlI6XptOrH_c9Z9Kvp2udiCnx4nj9iN_BMtEraFLlK40CujJcJ9H-rrDzavaUt10BbTShEZAk0e4Lc-MAQRJf7-r9Wfm7lJQprD2SQK8tX93zqKgK/s1600/IMG_4573.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr44AL5CeM_Kda3kXU9YyZaMmVj4EYlI6XptOrH_c9Z9Kvp2udiCnx4nj9iN_BMtEraFLlK40CujJcJ9H-rrDzavaUt10BbTShEZAk0e4Lc-MAQRJf7-r9Wfm7lJQprD2SQK8tX93zqKgK/s400/IMG_4573.jpg" width="299" /></a></div>
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Bins of weed before they hit the processor</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-V4xulOUHMi8/WCI9-bdn6bI/AAAAAAAABYE/jz0MkwOf-w4Eo2XOOI6VDgKyecEnl44nACLcB/s1600/IMG_4590.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-V4xulOUHMi8/WCI9-bdn6bI/AAAAAAAABYE/jz0MkwOf-w4Eo2XOOI6VDgKyecEnl44nACLcB/s400/IMG_4590.JPG" width="300" /></a></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr44AL5CeM_Kda3kXU9YyZaMmVj4EYlI6XptOrH_c9Z9Kvp2udiCnx4nj9iN_BMtEraFLlK40CujJcJ9H-rrDzavaUt10BbTShEZAk0e4Lc-MAQRJf7-r9Wfm7lJQprD2SQK8tX93zqKgK/s1600/IMG_4573.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><br />
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Production tent of the California green rush</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Most of the next few days are pretty monotonous. Wake up,
eat, work, eat, work. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hGLXyr-mE4&feature=youtu.be">I learn how to operate a chainsaw.</a> C_____ and J______ chop down plants and start the drying process. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0xGg8CUSlE&feature=youtu.be">I learn how to ride an ATV.</a> They take down the already dried product and send it off to the trimmers in the processing tent. <a href="https://youtu.be/2iuS4KLnecA">I learn how to operate a lever action rifle.</a> They take the trimmed nugs and move them to the top tent to be finished in a fancy machine. I learn how most guys on the farm are staunch Trump supporters. They bag up the product and it's ready for transport. At one point the rainstorm gets so wild that the wind rips a drying tent right from its supports. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
I witnessed one altercation between J_____ and A______ which almost boiled over into a fist fight and knowing that there was alcohol, drugs, and guns around didn't help the situation. In the end, things were resolved civilly and no other disputes arose during my stay.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uhynwgAhLEQ/WCI-CGVBLcI/AAAAAAAABYU/B-VrY78xA2Mty_LvuS5zGNrYp8vnQ7duACLcB/s1600/IMG_4627.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uhynwgAhLEQ/WCI-CGVBLcI/AAAAAAAABYU/B-VrY78xA2Mty_LvuS5zGNrYp8vnQ7duACLcB/s640/IMG_4627.jpg" width="510" /></a></div>
C______ has one of the trimmers remove some stitches out of his shoulder from a previous surgery.<br />
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Everything is 3x times amount of effort trying to farm in the rain. C______ lets me know that the shower stopped working. I make dinner because I don't trust anyone else preparing my food. As the days go on, I settle into the routine and the labor. The work makes me feel strong. I consider what it would be like if I just stayed here on the farm. I sleep with ease from the hard outdoor work. Everything outside of the Farm and the problems I deal with on a day to day basis are toned down to a dull background noise. Marijuana has flourished in California as the new gold rush for the past two decades and is on the precipice of legalization. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_CCIMi6jDzOpU-UZuFL2BPTvHVKEUmswdBeZ9zqMuqyPJP2NOv_mxg32rQfy7ts6yKMGHIjWae4mWKNKTJUu6htZei8nv9lI8gBJfLu4JJKQalM_imPy7oP4kui7PB1XRTn3A-yF3TZYE/s1600/IMG_4560-2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_CCIMi6jDzOpU-UZuFL2BPTvHVKEUmswdBeZ9zqMuqyPJP2NOv_mxg32rQfy7ts6yKMGHIjWae4mWKNKTJUu6htZei8nv9lI8gBJfLu4JJKQalM_imPy7oP4kui7PB1XRTn3A-yF3TZYE/s640/IMG_4560-2.JPG" width="474" /></a></div>
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Country stew and pan fried chicken for dinner</div>
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"Do you want Prop 64 to go through?" I ask C______ during dinner.</div>
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"There's two sides to it. I'm hoping it doesn't go through, it would really kill independent operations like the one we have here."</div>
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"At least your charges get dropped though."</div>
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"Even if we got convicted, I'm sure I would spend a few months in jail and have probation for a few years." He said it with ease like as if he were planning a trip.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj28LLaPYU2LFEaIrlHL_7Ziq6XdtfeQ-lAQ7cgUXs7wgrevyl1TcPz8iFs5V2pY4ldpwRDrSmAIzPPRKVaGfB7FoaujTn7FItoDQn4y3JgojJO87kpNcIW6PdmyrTv7a4tSN3v5XXMkNbl/s1600/IMG_4587.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj28LLaPYU2LFEaIrlHL_7Ziq6XdtfeQ-lAQ7cgUXs7wgrevyl1TcPz8iFs5V2pY4ldpwRDrSmAIzPPRKVaGfB7FoaujTn7FItoDQn4y3JgojJO87kpNcIW6PdmyrTv7a4tSN3v5XXMkNbl/s640/IMG_4587.JPG" width="480" /></a></div>
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California Hills at dusk</div>
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As my days wind down, thoughts of reality settle back into my thoughts. The rain subsides and the land bristles with life. On the last day we take out the guns down to the valley to knock out a few rounds. One of the guys grills a tri-tip and I polish off the rest of the beer. K______ brings out a handle of vodka and J_____ lights a large fire. Joints are rolled and passed around. The night sky is illuminated with stars unpolluted and unmolested. </div>
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"How did you enjoy your time on the Farm?" K_______ asks he in-between shots. </div>
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"It was great, I wouldn't mind staying out here if I didn't have commitments back home."</div>
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"I think you fit well here. You work hard and if you're ever open to it, I would love to have you here on a longer basis."</div>
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"Thanks K______, I'll have to go back home and mull that over."</div>
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I've always romanticized about living out in the wilderness.</div>
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The next morning I wake up and say goodbye to the people I've met. I leave a sketch with A______, the engineer and he says that he'll frame it up. I thanks C_____ for the invitation. "You're welcome back anytime" he replies. I make one last round on the ATV, smiling the entire way around the property. Despite the anxieties that kicked in everytime a low flying plane or helicopter passed overhead, the time out in the wilderness were peaceful.</div>
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I drive the 5 miles out of the back country roads and back into civilization and the city. I feel a natural calm like the few seconds of daze after you've taken a blow to the head. I pull up outside a random steakhouse and decide to treat myself to lunch. I think about the people I've met and how they're just earning money to support their families and lives. The people on the farm are working and living off the land. Of course having a product which is monetized through the black market comes with greed, the threat of violence and high stakes. The Farm in the end is a business a business that could dramatically change with the Prop 64 bill.<br />
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I tear into my ribeye and enjoy just sitting down and hearing the chatter of people. I think about life and the possibility of moving out into the wilderness. If my art career doesn't pan out I guess there's always a job for me in the California mountains.</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dwrQWxtkpWImALHqrhwwWpHnY4lFXRLUMnGS-AEZNKMASQg9A3vEKRZhHpO2yWa4gXjuTPhbG1wnBQBqtpPeA' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-15328237655926249932016-10-28T22:14:00.002-07:002016-10-28T22:20:44.476-07:00Going Off Grid<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBndk1iQ3oO8SpJrY_Y2FJdZUAcqaIha_gPDLoNIXxZR7ncHihN3I2WaUP-deuMkdArh-TxqTW_HceCtv1YOQE6OY0kamTJWH7l6ecH0uqlAC_LHfELamH4tUvb-kEliWR0-D16ZEM3Ynx/s1600/IMG_4276.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBndk1iQ3oO8SpJrY_Y2FJdZUAcqaIha_gPDLoNIXxZR7ncHihN3I2WaUP-deuMkdArh-TxqTW_HceCtv1YOQE6OY0kamTJWH7l6ecH0uqlAC_LHfELamH4tUvb-kEliWR0-D16ZEM3Ynx/s640/IMG_4276.jpg" width="554" /></a></div>
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I've recently had a very serious health scare. So much so that it severely impacted all other aspects of my career and life, the anxiety always seeping into the back of my mind. I never thought much about my health and have indulged in all earthly pleasures without much pause to consequence and long term health risks. I've always somewhat believed that I was invincible, able to skirt through any hardships in life without the fear of death. And as I make my turn through my 30s, it's becoming more and more clear that I've got to really slow down on some things. I don't view this as necessarily an altogether bad thing, it just means now that I have to have a healthier respect for life.<br />
<br />
As I have chased my two careers in the past decade, things have slowly picked up and I've found a little bit of success in each path. I've always loved challenges and each of the things I've chosen to do has forced me to constantly find creative solutions to problems. They've also taught me that no matter how much time, preparation, dedication, and desire you put into something, sometimes things just don't work out.<br />
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I am now able to coach high school water polo year round. I get to work with great student athletes and push their abilities and personal fortitudes to their greatest potential. Like with art, I put in everything I've got trying to motivate not only the kids, but myself as a coach and role model. How do I want these kids to grow up? What type of men and characteristics am I imparting on these teenagers on the precipice of adulthood? I am able to share formative years with these boys and to show them things that you can't really learn in a class room.<br />
<br />
There are very selfish aspects to coaching. I feel like it keeps me young, fit, and hip to young people slang. It's a job that lets me release adrenaline, testosterone, and my deep need for competition, which I used to relinquish in other, more destructive manners. But with all forms of competition, it isn't always just wins and sunshine and rainbows. With every season, I have a pretty good idea of the potential of the team and have to tweak the team's playbook and training methods dependent on the athletes skill and ability levels. I spend endless hours preseason setting up tournaments, games, plays, and practices schedules. I prep and prep and prep prior to the season, in hopes of the maximum outcome to the season's schedule.<br />
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I love what I do. The pay certainly doesn't match up to my dedication at the moment, but that's how love and passion work. I've given up bachelor parties, weekend getaways, girlfriends, and countless weekends to coach tournaments. I've sacrificed so much for this sport in the hopes that I'm somewhat making a difference in a kid's life.<br />
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It's been a very hard season. As much as I prepared, practiced, and trained with the athletes, it's been a very disappointing run. The first year I coached we were winless in league. This year, after a 10 year career, we have again gone winless in league. There were several factors which affected the team, but nothing I can put the blame on but myself. It's been such a bad season that I've actually considered my coaching career, maybe it's me that has lost touch.<br />
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Along with the health scare, it's really forced me to reevaluate the choices I've made personally and career wise. Sometimes love is not enough. Passion is not enough. It's the same thing with relationships and with women. Experiencing loss is something that everyone has to deal with. The difference I've found is how an individual deals with it. I don't think of myself as a quitter and sometimes the gods just aren't with you despite how much preparation and dedication you've put into anything. That's just life.<br />
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As the art career as taken off, the coaching and health have taken a slide. You just can't win everything and it's taken a long time to understand and come to terms with that. At some points I've wanted to scream and explode and unleash all the fury that lies just bubbling beneath the surface. I've wanted to just be destructive again and go back to the anger that I've been so comfortable with for so much of my young adulthood. It would be so easy just to let everything slide. But what type of man would I be? What type of man do I still want to become given a limited amount of time?<br />
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I've finally learned that my time is precious and limited. The people and friends I surround myself with has only expanded as I know that keeping an open mind and open heart is what gives my life meaning and fulfillment. I want to keep learning. I want to keep experiencing. I want to know that I can keep staying the course despite hardships. Sometimes failure and loss and disappointment are just a part of life, but maybe sometimes you have just got to walk away from things. Like a punched out boxer that just doesn't know when to walk away from the sport, I'm at a cross road.<br />
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For the next few days, I'll be going into the woods and going off the grid. I feel like I've been going and going and sometimes I've given so much to everything else that I've really let my personal life go. Maybe I'll just never come back. Maybe I've been blinded by my need for success. Maybe I'll never come back. Only time will tell.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-1885942007462489062016-10-03T15:15:00.000-07:002016-10-03T15:15:27.145-07:00Fall Promotion<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHuebTK5t5t-6DgFCUMw4mc_OnTkKVHB6mzfUbzBkAE8LfxFsQDkYXY7fb6rEwO2RTJhK8moaVnqybWq8otMJE4bBlQE75J4hwR5V930LusosX4T6ZW4gpcAukm0Xi-a2MaxmHwNamKWku/s1600/FullSizeRender-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHuebTK5t5t-6DgFCUMw4mc_OnTkKVHB6mzfUbzBkAE8LfxFsQDkYXY7fb6rEwO2RTJhK8moaVnqybWq8otMJE4bBlQE75J4hwR5V930LusosX4T6ZW4gpcAukm0Xi-a2MaxmHwNamKWku/s640/FullSizeRender-3.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
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For the entire month of October, I will be running a special Fall Promotion! I will make an 8x10 oil painting of anything you want for a the special price of $200, which is 33% off retail. Either you can send me an image of something you want or I can make something completely original for you.<br />
<br />
With your purchase, I will include shipping (Domestic US), a time lapse video of your painting, and a "Day in the Life" illustration print.<br />
<br />
You can check out a sample time lapse video <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fEz3xDCsJQ&feature=youtu.be">HERE</a><br />
<br />
<br />
For questions and purchases, email me at ddchen13@gmail.com or visit www.danielchenart.com/shop/fallpromotionAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-9907889523318312902016-08-18T15:43:00.000-07:002016-09-23T13:00:28.781-07:00Korean Adventure<div class="MsoNormal">
I arrive at Incheon Airport around 10:30am and head out
towards the arrival gate. I spot Hak who is dressed in all black boots, jeans,
and a t shirt. He had gotten off work at 6am and has not slept a wink. It’s
been 3 years since he’s left the states, but it seems like no time has passed.
We step outside to have a cigarette and it is a sultry 100 degrees. We quickly
catch up about the past, about women, about old friends, and about painting. My
t shirt is damp after being outside for 10 minutes. We go to the bus line to
buy tickets back to Seoul. He refuses my money when I reach for my wallet.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XmdFFXw1cpc/V7YvpqxWk7I/AAAAAAAABBs/vvxAhPfKxQ4jJfuNmFqItOB77LzIiJE4wCLcB/s1600/unnamed-4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XmdFFXw1cpc/V7YvpqxWk7I/AAAAAAAABBs/vvxAhPfKxQ4jJfuNmFqItOB77LzIiJE4wCLcB/s400/unnamed-4.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<i>Hak with some of his paintings for an upcoming solo show</i></div>
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“You are in my country, I don’t want you to pay for
anything.” This would be a reoccurring theme throughout the trip.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The bus ride takes about 45 minutes and we arrive in his
neighborhood in the Gangam district near Bangbae 3 station. He helps me check
into the Kandansky Hotel and we head over to one of his friend’s BBQ restaurant
a few blocks away. His friend, S____, is warm and welcoming and he brings out
huge slabs of pork and chicken, accompanied with side dishes and a spicy crab
miso. S_____ asks if I want any beer, but I say no. I don’t want to pop my
cherry too early because it is going to be a long day, especially with the
oppressing heat.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmRTAaso4Nxe17_KO-o7qF_z9h2nU3z-PatuSdv_F1aQK9Wz7koPHyMWXPRfi6KqOBETO-jIYlozoPCK5ePk50YqCkagGA_iE9P0i06YEVtOjKcuRogFqMcFF8Xjr55jiiUqZUZo13bc_D/s1600/unnamed-6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmRTAaso4Nxe17_KO-o7qF_z9h2nU3z-PatuSdv_F1aQK9Wz7koPHyMWXPRfi6KqOBETO-jIYlozoPCK5ePk50YqCkagGA_iE9P0i06YEVtOjKcuRogFqMcFF8Xjr55jiiUqZUZo13bc_D/s640/unnamed-6.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
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<i>Street scene near my hotel</i></div>
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“I’ve heard a lot about hostess bars in Korea.” (Hostess
bars are popular throughout Asian countries among businessmen. Typically, you
sit in a private room with your party and a Madame will bring in lineups of
scantily clad girls. You then will choose a girl you want to sit with you and
your group. The women serve you drinks and entertain you, typically singing karaoke
and playing drinking games. Other services can be negotiated with the
individual girls.)<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Oh yeah, they’re great!” S_____ says while giving me a
thumbs up.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Hak looks a lot less interested, he doesn’t drink or partake
in much nightlife, his only vice being tobacco. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“Maybe we can check one out tomorrow?” <o:p></o:p></div>
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S_____ shakes his head no. “My wife would kill me.” He
replies looking a little forlorn. “We can grab dinner tomorrow though and drink
soju.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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I had heard a lot about these hostess bars and was a little
disappointed that I wouldn’t be to quell my intrigue. When we finish lunch, I once
again reach for my wallet to pay, but S_____ refuses both payment from me and
Hak. “No, No” he says waving his finger and pushing my hand away. “It was my
pleasure and my treat.” I tell him the next meal will be on me and he shakes my
hand and pats me on the back. “Any friend of Hak is a friend of mine” he states
heartily.<o:p></o:p></div>
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After lunch, we head over to the art supply store in downtown
Gangam which houses a megamall 30 stories high. It is Saturday and the place is
packed to the brim with locals eating, shopping, and enjoying the AC. Hak is
covered in piercings and I am covered in tattoo so people’s eyes tend to linger
on us. We peruse the art store and pick up supplies and take the bus back to
Hak’s house. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQiMv-27oHd-2YANooqwlU8kd98wWAChh1h9RkOw7EuJwcTLrJd9sFAC5vjIbe-GVJc7KGPd3NGyc1Nf_iGCNCrqKop2Takm-8uNHpkgZe25ybiXeFEGe-t2kXRZkZ9tAEVzMw1-jREc2H/s1600/unnamed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQiMv-27oHd-2YANooqwlU8kd98wWAChh1h9RkOw7EuJwcTLrJd9sFAC5vjIbe-GVJc7KGPd3NGyc1Nf_iGCNCrqKop2Takm-8uNHpkgZe25ybiXeFEGe-t2kXRZkZ9tAEVzMw1-jREc2H/s400/unnamed.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
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<i>Skyward view of the megamall</i></div>
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<i>Walking back to Hak's with art supplies</i></div>
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We drop off our canvases and supplies and he introduces me to his
mom. I wave and say “Hi”. He later tells me that it is the first time a
foreigner has entered his home and that the proper way to greet any older
Korean person is by bowing. I am a bit embarrassed, but he says that it is okay
as I am not familiar with their customs. I ask him about the night’s itinerary
and if we will be able to paint that night. <br />
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“I have to work later tonight, so we won’t be able to paint today.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Where do you work?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“I bartend tonight from 6-3am in Itaewon. I think you will
like it in Itaewon, it is more open and there are lots of tourists and bars and
restaurants.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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We say goodbye to his mom and this time I make sure to bow. We
grab a cab to Itaewon and we head over to Venue, the bar he works at. It is a
little underground dive and smells of stale cigarettes and past mistakes. I
feel right at home. It’s still about 45 minutes prior to opening so we hang out
a bit and smoke some cigarettes. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Sometimes I am worried that I will never make it as a
painter.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I have those same worries.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hak sighs, “It is very hard here in my country. People don’t
care about art and paintings.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I think you’ve already made it. Your paintings are good, no
one else can paint like you and the most important thing is that you are still
painting. Most people quit, most of the people we know from school have already
stopped painting. We will make it big one day, we will make it and we will look
back on these times and laugh” I say reassuring myself more than anything. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Other bar staff start trickling in and I go out to look
around the neighborhood for a sketchpad. The streets are full of young
hipsters, tourists, and American militarymen. The girls are pretty with nice
features, they are all quite fashionable, thin, and incredibly pale. Hak tells me that about 80% of women here have had some sort of plastic surgery,
typically on the eyes and nose. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I buy a sketchpad at a convenience store and head back to
the bar. The bar is hosting a hip hop night and they have cleared all the
stools from the bar except for one. Hak gestures to it and I take my seat.
Dancers and patrons have already started trickling in and the tiny dance floor begins
to get packed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrnp0pS1OFJwSkOPX35q1vKYB_6I7HMb7TdWfgeAZyNokfkxc8xYhpV8GL_ZwakBuo-TDNWBzte94yorvzFOmnyHNm2pY71SEfAuaEO-vnPOvKCIK34uiy9NBuCv8PDIqDI6dwFMWRBkxl/s1600/unnamed-7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrnp0pS1OFJwSkOPX35q1vKYB_6I7HMb7TdWfgeAZyNokfkxc8xYhpV8GL_ZwakBuo-TDNWBzte94yorvzFOmnyHNm2pY71SEfAuaEO-vnPOvKCIK34uiy9NBuCv8PDIqDI6dwFMWRBkxl/s400/unnamed-7.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="text-align: center;">Dream Team, some hip hop babes from the bar</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Do you want a beer?” Hak asks.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Sure” I say handing him my credit card.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Put that away.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He hands me a Heineken and I take a deep heavy pull. I watch
the crowd mingle and the dancers take turns showing off their skills. I start
in on my sketchpad and go through three beers very quickly and move on to
whiskey. I start feeling loose and start a sketch of the bar and dancers. I
finish my drink and order another. I move onto a sketch for tomorrow’s
painting. I finish my drink and order another. I get a little too confident and
mess up a third drawing. I finish my drink and order another. My fourth drawing
is a lot more deliberate.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-go_fTPo5Z2c/V7YzEfJHgNI/AAAAAAAABCg/6i5_-3WP4cchyZNeNpj5AB-9FWbOSeC5ACLcB/s1600/unnamed-10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-go_fTPo5Z2c/V7YzEfJHgNI/AAAAAAAABCg/6i5_-3WP4cchyZNeNpj5AB-9FWbOSeC5ACLcB/s320/unnamed-10.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEievpS5N9kRoT-K9iLxHUsgj0a-tbe8xXIjUEvxMFeaPoTp-Zw_mt_ZwaGduRal7B8MGYljWEExeTCcZqNSUUcSnB5j2QrBtG3iRbaFb-a-DXo_vwSzMjHwf4l7N_M09B7wQ3C7iM4oK9UF/s1600/unnamed-9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEievpS5N9kRoT-K9iLxHUsgj0a-tbe8xXIjUEvxMFeaPoTp-Zw_mt_ZwaGduRal7B8MGYljWEExeTCcZqNSUUcSnB5j2QrBtG3iRbaFb-a-DXo_vwSzMjHwf4l7N_M09B7wQ3C7iM4oK9UF/s320/unnamed-9.jpg" width="239" /></a><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Left: Drawing #2</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Right:Drawing #4</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A girl approaches me and introduces herself.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Hello”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Hi, my name is Daniel” giving her my hand. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She is Hak’s friend but it is so loud and so crowded that it
is hard to understand anything. I feel a bit rude as I am still sitting on the
stool and cannot stand up because there is no where to go. I feel<o:p></o:p></div>
very much
like getting back into my sketchpad even though she is cute. I just was not
into it at that particular moment. We banter for a little while, but it is
clearly not going well.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
“It was nice to meet you, maybe we can grab dinner together while you are here.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yes, that would be nice” I answer showing my teeth.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She smiles and waves to Hak and is gone. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I order one last whiskey and remind myself to not get too drunk
because I still have to make the trek back to my hotel across the Han River. I
tell Hak I am leaving and that I will catch him at his place tomorrow morning.
Itaewon is crowded and rowdy on the balmy Saturday night. I hail the first cab
out away from the craziness, through the streets, across the river, down
through the avenue and turn into the little alley which sits the Kandansky Hotel.
I head across the street to a random restaurant. I put a finger up signaling
for a single guest and get seated.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One of the servers comes up and asks me something in Korean.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Do you speak English?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No, Ni hui jian jong wen ma?” She asks surprisingly in
Mandarin.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Ni jien yi sa muh?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Niu roh tang.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Ok. And one Hite.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She brings the beer and a small glass. I fill it and drain
it, then pour myself a second and take my time. The beef soup comes out with
rice and three small condiments. It is better than any Korean soup I’ve ever
had in the States. I finish everything and finish the last of the beer and just
sit for awhile listening to the din of glasses and silverware and foreign
conversation. I do not feel lonely as I usually do when I am by myself in a new
place. I go to the register to pay for my meal and smile at the lady and say
thank you in Korean and she smiles back waving goodbye. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I walk back to to my hotel and go to my room. I clean myself
and shave. I lay in bed with the AC blasting and call an ex girlfriend back in
the states. I guess I was lonely.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“How is it?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Like a million degrees, jeans were a bad idea.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Do you mind picking me up some makeup? You can only buy it
out there.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Sure if I get the time to, just email me what you want. We’re
going to be painting all day tomorrow and I can’t make any promises.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Ok. When will you be back?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“In about a week.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“That’s a long time.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“It’s not too bad, it’ll go by faster than you think.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I guess so.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Do you miss me?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yes.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’ve got to get to bed, we’re gonna meet early tomorrow and
I want to make sure I’m feeling well.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Ok, Daniel. Good night.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Good morning, I hope you have a good day.” (There is a 14
hour time difference between California and Korea)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wake up the next morning and go down to the hotel
restaurant for breakfast. There are couples at every table, it seems that I am
the only single person in the entire hotel. After breakfast I head out onto the
Avenue and hail a cab. I show him the address to Hak’s house which I have
scrawled on a piece of paper. I arrive and he opens the door for me, his eyes
are heavy with sleep. I play with his dog whose name I forget but is the same
dog as Lassie. His mom serves us sticky rice cakes and a thick soy bean drink
which is not my favorite, but I finish it anyways. We smoke some cigarettes and
head downstairs to his basement to our supplies and the purpose of my trip.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We set everything up and each take one of the larger
canvasses. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You ready?” I ask.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yes” he replies squinting throw the smoke curling up from
the cigarette dangling on his lip.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We start and do not talk and do not plan, we just go with
instinct as we have done before. We go through a single 3 hour session without a
break until the paint is too heavy and wet and we are sticky with sweat and too
tired to go forward. By the time we stop the sun is high overhead and the day
reaches its boiling point. We step outside to get a breath. Hak orders a pizza
on his phone.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What happened to your last girlfriend?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“We broke up 2 months ago,” he paused for a moment. “It just
seems like I can’t make it past the 6 month mark.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yeah, well I can definitely understand that, I’m pretty
much in the same boat as relationships go. I mean it’s all good during the
honeymoon phase, but once things start getting real, everything starts falling
apart.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Maybe some people just aren’t meant to be with anyone else”
he replies before taking a bite of pizza.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Sometimes I think there’s just something wrong with me.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0c282r3ZfEymKaGf2s0ol_pTiqqXpB4RSeA6mf7JCw1TTxYl58-dsSUOch1OvLbpYo_HC6bG48ammoSVGDNSkKJ6ecwQxgapf8eJIz8Fxkey4WSDsGINCOlTuyisE5LQUoS8VhqxSh3_z/s1600/unnamed-5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0c282r3ZfEymKaGf2s0ol_pTiqqXpB4RSeA6mf7JCw1TTxYl58-dsSUOch1OvLbpYo_HC6bG48ammoSVGDNSkKJ6ecwQxgapf8eJIz8Fxkey4WSDsGINCOlTuyisE5LQUoS8VhqxSh3_z/s320/unnamed-5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>Questionable fashion choices in Korea</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We paint a bit longer after lunch but call it quits around
3. We’ve made pretty good progress and have started about half of the 5
canvasses we’ve planned on completing. We take the subway over to Myeongdong, a
high end beauty and fashion district of Seoul. We are supposed to meet another
art school friend over at a coffee shop. I order a cold brew and watch the
crowd.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoZgZs39iz2O3RI3pU44hPU7ZASr-Y4WBsHW_Y-_UU1pVlvZJFjQJp8mhkjmzIPPeI12moKMY9iSeQijSZ7JQ13JaQ5dCCrg-K3UFuaCJCrGXkl-m8GJRIESyPdxgM5xpp67hBGDzgVEOz/s1600/unnamed-8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoZgZs39iz2O3RI3pU44hPU7ZASr-Y4WBsHW_Y-_UU1pVlvZJFjQJp8mhkjmzIPPeI12moKMY9iSeQijSZ7JQ13JaQ5dCCrg-K3UFuaCJCrGXkl-m8GJRIESyPdxgM5xpp67hBGDzgVEOz/s400/unnamed-8.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>Streetview in Myeongdong</i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoWN9ZBDQ6wuHP0cpD0NpZk6XAa4rUOxFoqWy92JSHXJX8W5dd1Tuw6D20gdzwvSm4ZZjrjwF6cNdTb6wdYPSIQOhFdGp56e3Dh77-USqT7prjSeAt2L8LKRv3898_ZTNCCbfqCuUCeLEm/s1600/unnamed-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoWN9ZBDQ6wuHP0cpD0NpZk6XAa4rUOxFoqWy92JSHXJX8W5dd1Tuw6D20gdzwvSm4ZZjrjwF6cNdTb6wdYPSIQOhFdGp56e3Dh77-USqT7prjSeAt2L8LKRv3898_ZTNCCbfqCuUCeLEm/s320/unnamed-2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>Art school nerds</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
M____ shows up and we walk around the neighborhood and check
out little boutiques and stores. We decide on getting dinner at a seafood place
which serves live baby octopus, which is something which I’ve wanted to try for
a long time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Would you ever try dog meat?” M____ asks.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yes, I think I would try anything once.” (My mom has always
said that if I were to ever eat dog meat, my own dogs would smell it on my
person and they would never trust me again. I think this is just a
superstition, but I’ve wanted to test its veracity.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“My parents are going out to a special dinner tonight and
own of the dishes is dog. If I had known you were coming sooner, we could have
joined them.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Is it something they have often?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No, its very rare and only happens very occasionally.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Where do they live?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“About 45 minutes north of Seoul. Next time when you are
here, we will have to try some.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Would you ever try eating dog?” I ask Hak.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He shrugs and makes a face saying sure, why not.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The octopi arrive and they squirm feverishly like little
worms on a plate. I struggle to pick them up with my chopstick and dip them
writhing into the sesame oil sauce. The tentacles wiggle and stick to the
inside of my mouth, I’ve never had to physically wrestle with something I’m
trying to eat before. Overall paired with the soju and beer, I’m quite enjoying
my meal. I get a text from my ex-girlfriend “You want to talk on the phone
today?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyxIBgW7d-CzNgcjas3f-6siFIaJrsOn_jB05mOFtBCMI2IKZ4u_0rxk8VdERItwve_VMMYnVqD9HiKVR9nX5mxNOL4-ddCTrqM6WZsWBwJii010Rb_gJKupOAxNMdmF61Q1I6JNfv7uJN/s1600/unnamed-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyxIBgW7d-CzNgcjas3f-6siFIaJrsOn_jB05mOFtBCMI2IKZ4u_0rxk8VdERItwve_VMMYnVqD9HiKVR9nX5mxNOL4-ddCTrqM6WZsWBwJii010Rb_gJKupOAxNMdmF61Q1I6JNfv7uJN/s400/unnamed-3.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>Walking to dinner #2 in Itaewon</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We finish up the plate and talk more art and painting and
about people who’ve started to gain fame and popularity from our school. We
decide to walk off the meal and go back to Itaewon for another specialty dish,
barbecued pork small intestines and pork belly. I don’t mind two dinner nights.
“I can’t talk tonight, out to dinner with friends.” We get to the BBQ pork
restaurant and order more beers, soju, and meat. There is a table of middle
aged Korean men sitting next to us chattering away excitedly.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Do you want to know what they are saying” M_____ asks
gesturing to the table.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yeah.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“They are talking about where to pick up younger women.” I
look over and none of them are wearing wedding rings, although I do not know if
that is traditional here in Korea. “They say the best place is at dancing
lessons, like tango and waltz classes, because that way you get to meet them
and touch them.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Wow, I don’t know how I feel about that.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Kind of creepy.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
“That or genius.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Second dinner might be better than the first, but I am
completely stuffed and barely able to walk. Hak takes us over to a bar where he
knows the manager. “It’s a biker/tattoo bar”. And when we get there, every
single patron and bartender is completely covered in tattoos. I order several
white Russians and start to feel pretty good. Hak orders a coke and M_____
decides to go with the house special which is a long island.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You’re playing a dangerous game” I warn him. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
M_____ almost immediately gets very drunk and we head out to
our final destination for the night which is a popular club up the street. It
is very packed and most everyone is young. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’ll be your wingman tonight.” M_____ says.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No man, your country, home court. I’ll be your wingman.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We chat with some girls and joke around and mostly I feel
bad for Hak who seems a bit bored.<br />
<br />
“Daniel and Hak are very famous artists” M_____ says to a group of girls
motioning towards us. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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I don’t know if they believe his lies, but they smile and
chatter and giggle amongst themselves. One of the girls takes a liking to me and
we speak English for a bit and she asks to see my art. I show her my Instagram,
but the white russians have crept up and the combination of the heat, drinks
and two dinners are taking their toll. We chat a bit about traveling and what
she’s studying in school (she couldn’t have been more than 20) and seems very
much wanting for me to ask her out. I look at Hak and nod towards the door
indicating that we should head home. I say goodbye to the girl and she gives me
a hug and about 10 minutes later leaves me a message on Instagram.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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We say goodbye to M______ and each take separate cabs back
home. “I’ll see you in the morning” I tell Hak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I wake up with a horrible hangover. Once again I head downstairs and all
the same couples are sitting together eating breakfast and I am the only single
person in the restaurant. After breakfast I take a cab over to Hak’s and we
start painting pretty immediately. It is my last day in Seoul and the deadline
looms.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We paint until we can’t paint anymore and then we paint some
more. Hak’s mom makes us a cold noodle dish for lunch with two different types
of kimchi. We take a break and walk back to my hotel so I can change and
shower. I am having dinner with his family that night and I don’t want to look
too haggard. We make the trek back to his house, check in on the paintings, and
head to the kitchen and I meet Hak’s dad who greets me with a firm handshake
and a broad smile. They do not speak English so Hak does a lot of translating.
His mom has pulled out all the stops and there are over a dozen side dishes:
cold noodles, spring roles, dried salty fish, rice cakes and on and on. Hak’s
dad pours me beer after beer topped off with soju. He tells me to take my time
and enjoy. His mom busies herself in the kitchen and doesn’t sit down for
dinner until the boys are almost done. It is the best meal I’ve had in Korea
and I thank her profusely after the meal. “My dad says that next time you come
to Korea, you can stay in our home.” I smile and bow to them.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
We walk down to the local coffee shop to use the wifi and
reenergize for our final push. We are about 90% there and it’s mostly just
touchups and varnishing left. We head back to the studio and paint until about
10:30 and wrap the paintings to be shipped to the US. As we clean and pack up,
I tell Hak that I am taking a cab to the airport tomorrow morning and he says
that he will pick me up and drive me there. We say goodbye and I walk back to
the hotel.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wake up the following Monday morning around 7am and head
down to the restaurant, this time I am the only person in the restaurant. Hak
meets me there and I head back upstairs to grab my luggage and his mom is
waiting in the car out front. The streets are packed with early morning traffic
and I thank God that they have picked me up this early because otherwise I
would have been late for my flight or completely missed it. We take the freeway
along the Han River and I enjoy the view and the banter between mother and son.
They seems happy and I am thankful for my friend and for his graciousness and
hosting me in his country. I am happy for the work we have done and friendship
and for the life I am able to lead. We make plans for the future and I tell him
that if we sell the paintings, we will set aside 50% of the proceeds so that we
can buy Hak a plane ticket back to the US in 2017. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We arrive at the airport and I say goodbye to his mom and
Hak walks me to into the airport. He walks me to security check and we hug and
I thank him for everything. I make it to the plane completely exhausted and
fall asleep the entire flight back to Taiwan.<o:p></o:p></div>
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-----------------------------------</div>
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<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Currently there are 4 collaboration pieces for sale. 50% of proceeds will go to securing a plane ticket for Hak to come visit the US sometime in 2017. </div>
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Purchase of a painting will include:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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-An original, one of a kind signed collaboration painting</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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-Meet and greet with the Artist TBD</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-An illustration from my sketchpad during my travels through Korea</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Self-satisfaction</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1622zUJDi5g/V7Y4TfRS1EI/AAAAAAAABDA/5kEWhXMsQ-oQ6ZmazoERzz6_L4HD7jt-QCLcB/s1600/unnamed-11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1622zUJDi5g/V7Y4TfRS1EI/AAAAAAAABDA/5kEWhXMsQ-oQ6ZmazoERzz6_L4HD7jt-QCLcB/s640/unnamed-11.jpg" width="484" /></a></div>
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<i>Seoul Poppies 25.5x19.5 Mixed Media on Canvas 2016</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgu6DehMYvf8xHhNyBTE1MobL_32-HLE2Fmh7Vpk0FVfDqr-Y6Qh1vxEXH45nSlzAsgIQ6rs_VpDxHgQurSnT5SRzSrSOZW5LPSCrRrJU_e6c2dlVTIPsT7MUiaz9_D0k8EIcsRrNuMslg/s1600/unnamed-12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgu6DehMYvf8xHhNyBTE1MobL_32-HLE2Fmh7Vpk0FVfDqr-Y6Qh1vxEXH45nSlzAsgIQ6rs_VpDxHgQurSnT5SRzSrSOZW5LPSCrRrJU_e6c2dlVTIPsT7MUiaz9_D0k8EIcsRrNuMslg/s640/unnamed-12.jpg" width="484" /></a></div>
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<i>The Girl from Itaewon 25.5x19.5 Mixed Media on Canvas 2016</i></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>Flowerhead 25.5x19.5 Mixed Media on Canvas 2016</i></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTRqSzAGsLYKa_Q-aqnYtwk2XnoiDI0_3Sgg9cx3uC7nEvAQKploRT7QDV3pr8qbMoBwl_TdTJOqXW8bmZsWlwrjmJI46LAIxIXlIIcsjAjXckOgcZgmp0F3tzoGDg_V2prsmdtCvp8TTR/s1600/unnamed-13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTRqSzAGsLYKa_Q-aqnYtwk2XnoiDI0_3Sgg9cx3uC7nEvAQKploRT7QDV3pr8qbMoBwl_TdTJOqXW8bmZsWlwrjmJI46LAIxIXlIIcsjAjXckOgcZgmp0F3tzoGDg_V2prsmdtCvp8TTR/s640/unnamed-13.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>Hiding Behind the Veil 39x31.5 Mixed Media on Canvas</i></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Please make sure to not sleep on these paintings. Hak and I have sold every single collaboration piece we have ever made together. For all enquiries and pricing contact me at ddchen13@gmail.com Thank you for your continued support of my dreams and career! </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-83109170447748757052016-07-21T12:08:00.002-07:002016-09-23T13:01:09.068-07:00Coachlife<br />
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I never thought that being a water polo coach would become an actual thing. I submitted my resume and talked to the Athletic Director at my old high school because I wanted to give back to the sport that had meant a lot to me during my formative years. Little did I know that they (administration) would fire the previous coach and hand me the head varsity job the following season. I knew nothing about coaching, I knew nothing about imparting knowledge (I use this term quite loosely) to kids, I was basically a kid myself at 22 trying to figure shit out.</div>
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10 years have elapsed. I’ve been in two serious relationships, been to two family funerals, excelled in my art practice, and lost and won a bunch of games. I’ve seen hundreds of kids go through the system, good, bad, average, and sometimes you get someone spectacular. But mostly it’s like any other job, you go in, go through the drills, hit the marks and try to make your team excel to the next level. At least that’s the way I thought my job was for the first half of my career. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy every moment of it, the highs and low of competition. It’s all quite exhilarating. There’s nothing like watching a kid break through his own personal barriers and become a terrific athlete. Coaching has been my release for all the frustration and anger I used to deal with through violence. You get to release innate male emotions without the red tape of being stuck in a white collar job. It’s been quite awhile since my last bar fight and though immature, I’m quite proud of myself from abstaining from such a debaucherous practice.</div>
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High school is bullshit, being a teenage kid is tough. Hormones are pumping through your system and you’re confused and amped up and there’s a lot of things you’re trying to figure out. I get it. It’s part of the job that I never signed up for. There’s been incidents that I’ve gone far and beyond my job description to try to amend a situation with an athlete or parent. Ultimately, I coach a team to win games, if I have a string of losing seasons it could be the end of my career. I’ve seen bloody noses, broken arms, and teeth knocked out like nobody’s business, and you’ve just got</div>
to keep going on with the game. There’s no stop, an injury doesn’t mean everyone stops and boo hoos (It’s a part of normative society now that I don’t quite agree with). Either the kid steps up and continues or the game goes on without him.<br />
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There certainly are people who get a bloody nose and stop. And call time out. And want to quit and stop and can’t go on because they just don’t have the propensity to. I get it. What I thought I’d never learn about life through coaching is resolve. A lot of these kids are a lot tougher than I ever was or will ever be, and that’s a good thing. Some have gone on to be marines, businessmen, doctors, lawyers, engineers and those are learned skills. But you can never, ever ever ever ever teach a kid how to be tough. It’s innate, it’s an inborn trait that separates people. To be knocked the fuck down and be seriously hurt and want back in the game. It’s easy to make someone quit, I’ve done it time and again just in practice. I’ve made kids puke, and cry, and quit the team, but you can never make someone tap out who doesn’t want to. Some kids would die in the water if there were no rules.</div>
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I thought coaching was about imparting knowledge to a bunch of high school kids. In my mind they’ll always be kids, because they come in as children, 14 year old boys cuddled at the teat with no idea about the world. But there’s also kids who keep surprising me. The quiet ones, the ones with resolve, the ones who would take a beating and stand up and say “may I have another”. And again, you can’t teach that, you can’t train a kid to be tough.</div>
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I’ve learned that the win and loss column doesn’t matter. They are in an archive somewhere that won’t matter much next year, much less when I’m dead. Nobody will look me up and think, “wow he was a really shitty coach”, or maybe they will. At the end of the day all I have left of my career are the memories. I get to see kids reach physical potentials they didn’t think was possible. I’ve had several instances where parents tell me that I have “more influence” on their children than they do. I get to mold kids into men, to see them make that turn and understand their self worth and potentiality. I don’t think most people in life get to be what they want. Most people just accept their position. They take jobs to pay their bills, they succumb to their place, they have a boss, they don’t ever live their dream. And at least for one brief moment in a person’s life I get to let them know that they can at least glimpse the possibility. They can take loss and still succeed.</div>
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I get to be a part of kid’s lives in very formative years. I get to shape a part of their makeup. I get to see them day in and day out and shape their personalities and their mental fortitudes. I get to play a game with them that requires both physical toughness and resolve. I get to live out one of the passions of my life. I may have gotten older, my body has slowed down, but I get to be young through coaching. I get to be around a live or die attitude based on a game that most people will never understand. Maybe I’ll never have kids of my own, I will never know how extremely hard it is to be a parent. But at the very least I’ll have the memories. I’ve learned what it is to lose. I’ve learned what it is to give everything you’ve got. I’ve learned that most of life is what you put into it, and if you try very hard, it’s mostly all worthwhile.</div>
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I also understand that nothing lasts forever. That things change and people change and people move on. It’s just a part of life and I’ve accepted that. I’ve never been a quitter and that’s one thing I can impart onto the team. I’ve always told the kids that there are only three outcomes to any game. You can win, which is obviously the most ideal situation, but the other two outcomes are the ones that really mean anything. You can either lose with dignity and grit, or you can quit and lose with your tail between your legs. That’s most of life. Wins and loss columns that really don’t ever mean much at the end of the day. I coach a game with high school kids. A trivial sport that most kids put on as a bonus on their college applications.</div>
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What I want to impart is the thing that is being lost. A live and die attitude based on a self determination. A willingness to sacrifice for your team, the greater good, the very slight belief that you are insignificant in the greater scheme of themes. At the end of the day, I am only a coach, only an artist and my impact will be very little on a greater societal scale, but all I can do is to make sure I do that to the best of my abilities, no matter how trivial those things seem to be. And tomorrow is a new day and another practice and another chance to be great.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-74216133941610618102016-05-17T21:30:00.000-07:002016-05-17T22:09:46.005-07:00Somewhere Along the Coast<div class="MsoNormal">
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I’ve felt like I have been stuck in San Francisco for a long
time. I’ve always entertained the idea of moving away, but relationships,
school, and work have always put an end to those thoughts. I made the excuse
that if I couldn’t make my career happen in San Francisco, I didn’t want to run
off to another city to have to start over. When I told a friend why I was
moving she said that it sounded like the plot to “Eat, Pray, Love” whatever that’s
supposed to mean.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I pack my car for the two-month journey and head down on a
beautiful, clear day. I take Highway 1 and take my time. The roads are open and
I really let loose around Monterey only to be pulled over for going 91mph in a
55 zone. The officer cuts me a break and puts me down for 75. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“Are you an artist or something?” He asks gesturing to the
paintings in the backseat.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Yeah, just doing a little stint in LA.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Good luck.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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I spend the first few nights in LA on a friend’s couch
before I move to my place downtown. The apartment I sublet is above a tire shop
on Central Ave and 7<sup>th</sup>. I share a live/work studio with my roommate
D____ who works at the library of a prestigious art school. The studio is 2
blocks away from the heart of Skid Row and there’s quite a bit of runoff. I
wake up to drug and alcohol induced screaming matches outside my window
routinely. It takes awhile, but the traffic and late night debauchery soon just
become a soft background noise. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
looking for change, but not quite sure where to find it. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Downtown LA and Struggles the Cat</div>
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I wake up to coffee and cigarettes on most days. The
apartment has a large patio and I meet my neighbor P____ and the property cat,
Struggles. He’s an actor and Uber driver which I soon learn is a pretty common
occupation around here. Struggles is a white cat with black spots and meows
loudly at my feet every time he wants to be pet. P_____’s got on black jeans
and boots, a jean jacket with no t-shirt. Struggles is covered in a thick layer
of dust. P_____ is still up from the night before and I’m sure Struggles has
been` too. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“I’m still tripping on acid.” P_____ says wide-eyed and grinning, “I mean it’s
pretty good stuff.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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He is manic and gesticulates wildly, he gives me a monologue
from a class he participated in the night before. I listen patiently and have
another cigarette and sip my coffee.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“This is the last bender for a month. I’ve really been going
at it pretty hard” he says more to himself than to me. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Studio Downtown LA</div>
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I paint all day and go out nightly. The tire shop downstairs
starts going around 8am and blasts the Top 100 hip hop radio station, but it
feels more like 10 songs on repeat. I live on bread, lunch meat, bags of
spinach and canned soup and binge watch the entirety of The Office in a few
weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I start and set a deadline for
the dot paintings. There are set parameters, guidelines and rules which forces
me to focus on the technique and color choice. Painting cut down to the very
basics. I need to simplify things in my practice and in my life.<o:p></o:p></div>
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My friend R_____ comes over one night and we split a fifth
and a few beers. He’s a real slick guy and with lots of energy. He tells me
that him and his girlfriend are in an open relationship. We go out Echo park
and end up at a club having a salsa night. We spend the night chasing women and
I end up with a date with a girl named D_____ the following day.<o:p></o:p></div>
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D_____ picks me up from a show in the Arts District and I
can tell she is nervous. During the date I get a call from my brother saying
that our Grandfather has passed away. I tell D_____ and she is understanding
about the whole ordeal. I never see her again. I drive back to SF a few days
after because my passport is at home and I fly out to Taiwan. It is a
depressing trip and I manage to get in a bar fight a few days after the funeral
for good measure. It’s something I’ve tried to stay away from but I guess that
some demons are harder to get rid of than others.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I fly back into LAX and spend two more weeks downtown. I
have a black eye for a few days, but only a college friend ever really notices
it or at least brings it up in conversation. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“Dude, did you get punched in the face?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Yeah.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“I mean how does the other guy look?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Worse than me.” <o:p></o:p></div>
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“Daniel, aren’t you a little old for bar fights?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Apparently not.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Redondo Studio Cat</div>
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After a month downtown, I move out to a little place in
Redondo. It’s quite a drive away from most of my friends and that’s what I
really wanted anyways. I’ve rented a private room in a little house about a
mile from the beach with a couple and their 3 year old son.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve never lived near a beach before but am
willing to give it a try. The town is small and the beaches are pristine and
clean. Most days I wake up and paint until the sun is high overhead and make my
way to the water.<o:p></o:p></div>
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During the weekdays the beaches are almost completely empty.
Vast stretches of sunbleached sand and clear blue sea. No tourists, no kids,
just me and the ocean for miles. There are no clouds and it is a pleasant 75. I
listen to the waves crash rhythmically like a lazy metronome. I think about
going back to coaching, I think about the little things I worry about from day
to day. About money, about work, about family, about not getting where I want
to be. And in the moment it all seems very silly, these worries. Crash. I sit
and close my eyes and take the sea in. Crash. I dig my feet into the sand and
feel at peace with things. Crash. The moment is perfect and I wish that it
would last for a little bit longer, this feeling.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Redondo Studio</div>
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Each day I go through this routine and I am happier than I
have been for a long time. A girl I’m seeing, S____, spends a couple of nights
at my place. She’s wearing one of my T shirts and sitting on the bed when she
asks, “Will you miss me when I’m gone?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“I’m not sure, it’s not something I’ve thought about.” <o:p></o:p></div>
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It doesn’t seem to be the right answer. We leave the
conversation at that and she seems to forget about it in the morning. I tell
her I’ll call, but that I’ll be on the road for the next few weeks. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The night before I leave Redondo I make a little sketch for
M_____, my host and her family. We smoke some pot together and chat about what
I’m doing and where I’m going next. She’s wearing a low cut one piece bathing
suit and a negligée. The suns been down for hours. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Somewhere Along the Coast</div>
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“I’m going to drive down to San Diego to see a college
friend.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“And after that?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Probably just couch surfing for a bit. Silverlake or back
to the Artists District. I’m not sure yet.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“What a life you live.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“It’s only for a few more weeks. It's not like my entire life is rainbows and flowers.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“It sounds like your life is a party. I still like to party
you know, but A____(her husband) is over it. Maybe when you come back from San
Diego we can go out.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Yeah that might be a possibility, I’ve really enjoyed
Redondo.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“You know if A______ came out right now and I was sitting in
your lap he wouldn’t care.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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I excuse myself as courteously as possibly and go back to my
room. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I have lunch with a few friends in Santa Monica the next day
before I head down to San Diego. The traffic isn’t bad but my A/C decides to
die halfway there. I spend the next few days playing with his two kids and
seeing a glimpse of the insanity of being a parent. I learn that kids are easy
to trick and that chips and candy can solve most problems. I eat pizza three
meals in a row and don’t regret it until my stomach explodes. Sometimes I am a
little envious of my friends who have a family life, but the grass is always
greener. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwWIjxWH12Emv_hX6S_7jPYq79dfTtSDjcxuaCmHPOMR91xoaX6U4LDKu50d796HL4Fdfg7kaFBcWHEVmE0pJ_DYQX7s_X8bxRLPphDfT2rIoNzJNwKBBPopUl1qzTfYLyF84CeyP0OIeD/s1600/IMG_3420.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwWIjxWH12Emv_hX6S_7jPYq79dfTtSDjcxuaCmHPOMR91xoaX6U4LDKu50d796HL4Fdfg7kaFBcWHEVmE0pJ_DYQX7s_X8bxRLPphDfT2rIoNzJNwKBBPopUl1qzTfYLyF84CeyP0OIeD/s320/IMG_3420.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
San Diego Studio</div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I drive back to the Artists District after San Diego and
crash at a friend’s condo. I feel listless and antsy. I have one more week to
go before I’m supposed to go back North. I stay a few more days in the Artist
District and decide to cut the trip short and drive back home on a Tuesday
morning. I call S____ and tell her that I won’t be able to see her again.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I thought you were going to stay for another week?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yeah, just don’t think I can couch surf anymore.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You can come stay over my place” she offers, “You could
stay as long as you like.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’ve got to go back, I’ve already set up some meetings
and…”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“When are you coming back?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Maybe sometime next year after I finish my coaching
stints.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There’s a pause as she’s trying to figure things out.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I just didn’t want this to happen.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What to happen?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“This. I mean you’re just going to take off and it’s like it
all meant nothing.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“We both knew this was going to happen. I’m only a flight
away.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I just thought that ... nothings never mind. I hope you
have a nice drive back.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This time I take the 5 through the valley and make the trip
in 5 hours. The two months passed by in a blip and I return to the same house
and the same studio and the same life. Nothing has changed. The routine
remains, the past intact, because wherever you go, your troubles will follow
you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrymbWEwkKuKyOabOnpKDb0q8wp1UvFmqbNabeeAOmewZebxXts-2UVqE4S6Jw9pFhV2gzpYNhWWJtA_nCoUiNZxWajDM1tuKJ5Vf63a6QDipxmPpHpfbN4wxrZvkco97935IyHlGGZrwS/s1600/IMG_3445-2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrymbWEwkKuKyOabOnpKDb0q8wp1UvFmqbNabeeAOmewZebxXts-2UVqE4S6Jw9pFhV2gzpYNhWWJtA_nCoUiNZxWajDM1tuKJ5Vf63a6QDipxmPpHpfbN4wxrZvkco97935IyHlGGZrwS/s320/IMG_3445-2.JPG" width="256" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Back Home Studio</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m hoping I’ve moved past some of my fears. I’m hoping that
I’ve taken a few lessons away from this. If anything, at least I’ll always have
the few weeks of bliss on the beach. The waves and the memories of a moments
tranquility. Life is long and full of ups and downs, and nothing lasts forever. When I am in need of it, peace will always be there along the coast of California.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-79367667439318120762016-04-08T17:58:00.001-07:002016-04-08T17:58:14.869-07:00Baby Blue<div class="MsoNormal">
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pyl5pDCn3_E/VwhTek5JVhI/AAAAAAAAA78/1ZUbpBX6N0IJm3aW4k8kzNTQPFpW389_A/s1600/Baby%2BBlue.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pyl5pDCn3_E/VwhTek5JVhI/AAAAAAAAA78/1ZUbpBX6N0IJm3aW4k8kzNTQPFpW389_A/s640/Baby%2BBlue.jpg" width="476" /></a></div>
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I have a new lover and her name is Blue.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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She is witty and wry, and never leaves before noon.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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She follows me around with sad puppy dog eyes.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Smokes cigarettes all day, and worships the moon.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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She doesn’t care that I drink or swear or when I spit on the
ground.<o:p></o:p></div>
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She doesn’t care much at all, about anything I do.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have a new lover and her name is Blue.<o:p></o:p></div>
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She is sullen and sad, and can’t stand to be alone.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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She mopes at parties, and always asks<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Can we leave soon?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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She shrugs when I say that I can’t commit.<o:p></o:p></div>
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She says that things were meant to be like this.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have a new lover and her name is Blue.<o:p></o:p></div>
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She is pretty and young and I think I am in love.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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She holds me close and whispers<o:p></o:p></div>
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“You’re not the one.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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She tells me that maybe one day things will change.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
But I don’t think it will last, forever and a day<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-55338145644277085562016-03-20T23:47:00.000-07:002016-03-20T23:56:27.885-07:00One Last Goodbye<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-T5aGOJNcKZg/Vu-a0ieLV4I/AAAAAAAAA7c/0RnRohbZ5lsmX8uVn2XcXHraLFxN1p2Mw/s1600/IMG_3174.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-T5aGOJNcKZg/Vu-a0ieLV4I/AAAAAAAAA7c/0RnRohbZ5lsmX8uVn2XcXHraLFxN1p2Mw/s400/IMG_3174.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m about three drinks deep, smoking a joint while waiting
for my uber to the airport. The SFO flight to Taiwan is always at 1am and I
have the flight locked down to a science. After the flight takes off, I watch a
movie, have the in flight dinner, 2 more drinks and knock out for about 8 hours
straight. The flight is 14 hours, so I usually squeeze in one more movie and
arrive at 6am Taiwan time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The trick is not to overdo the drinking which I’ve done once
before, projectile vomiting into the toilet mid flight. It’s getting the timing
down so that jetlag never becomes a factor, there’s nothing worse than a
dysfunctional sleeping schedule while traveling. I transfer flights from
Taoyuan to Kaohsiung and my mom is there to pick me up from the airport around
9am. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My mom takes me home and I drop off my bags and pick up my
brother and cousin and we head to the wake. It is located in the funeral
district of the city a stone throws away from the city dump. My brother,
cousin, and I take the morning shift for the wake, to be relieved by other
family members later in the afternoon. My grandpa sits in a large refridgerated
box behind curtains in the corner of the room. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are scores of other funerals going on at
the same time, mostly Buddhist ceremonies. The air is thick with incense,
processions and rhythmic chanting. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In hour into our stay, two men show up at the door and announce
that they are here to take the refridgerator housing my grandpas body.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“The ceremony is not until tomorrow morning, will his body
be okay until then?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yes, his body has been sitting in the freezer all week. It’s
customary that we take it out of the freezer the day before.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The two men open the box and lift my grandpa’s body onto a
steel gurney. My grandpa’s face is thin and drawn, it looks like he is asleep.
The two men cover his body with a blanket adorned with a cross on it and cover
his face. They pack their things and go. My cousin goes out to buy lunch and
asks us what we want. When she gets back I barely have an appetite. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My uncle and his family come in a few hours later to take
their shift and we go back home. The house is crawling with activity. Family
has travelled from all over the world to attend the funeral. It has been almost
2 decades since all the grandchildren in our family have been at the same place,
11 of us in total spread out across Taiwan, Japan, and the States. Sometimes it
takes a death to bring people together. When my brother called me last week to
tell me about my grandpa’s passing I was not very sad, I didn’t really think
much about it at all. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My grandpa was a deeply religious man who had no vices. He
didn’t drink, smoke, or gamble. He was 98 when he passed and I suppose that his
lifestyle contributed vastly to his long life. The entire family has dinner at
home around 6pm and after that, the family pastor comes over and we have a prayer
group and sermon. I know it means a lot to my parents and their generation, but
I am awfully indifferent to the whole religious overtones and it is hard to conceal my
boredom. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Once the sermon and songs are done, everyone says good night
and go off to bed as we have a 5:30am wake up call the next day. A few of the
cousins stay up to have whiskey and catch up. One of my aunt’s finds us in the
living room and gives us a stern lecture.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Can you guys please not drink tonight? Your grandfather
just passed and you should all be mourning his death and not celebrating.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Ok” I say but pour myself a drink after she leaves. It’s
not that I don’t care, i just don’t see how having a drink could change anything any which way. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wake up early the next morning and there is a bus waiting
outside to take us to the morning ceremony. It is going to be a very long day.
The first event is only for family and close friends, an intimate open casket.
God must have gotten the memo, because the day is dreary and wet, the shower
continuing through the morning. There is a lot of crying and sadness. I’ve only
seen my dad cry twice, once for his younger brother’s funeral and now today. I
feel like Meursault from The Stranger. The only time I really feel anything is
when they close and seal the casket. I am in charge of leading the procession
to the mortuary where the body will be cremated. We head back home to have
lunch. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After lunch I head out with my uncles to pick up my grandpa’s
cremated body. When we get to the mortuary, his remains lay in two metal trays.
One tray contains the remains from his skull, while the other holds everything
else. The earthly remains of my grandpa reduced to dust and charred bones. We
are told by the mortician to each place three pieces of remains into an urn. I
wonder if my grandpa would be proud of the man I turned out to be.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Once the urn is packed and readied we head over to the
public funeral ceremony where about a hundred<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>and fifty people show up at a church across town. The ceremony takes
about two hours and I try my best not to nod off by reading the event pamphlet.
There are short musings and essays contributed by family members. My mom had
asked me to write something a few days ago, here is my portion of the writing:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My memories of grandpa
begin when we moved to America into our first house in Union City. We had moved
from our cramped space in Kaohsiung into a large house with a large backyard in
the suburbs. We had a basketball hoop, a park around the corner and American
cartoons. Grandpa was a pretty quiet person, but always affable and with a
smile on his face. While on car trips, grandpa and grandma would put on a tape
of Taiwanese folk songs and sing along, teaching me and my brother the lyrics. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">After a few years we
moved to Millbrae into our house on Bertocchi. Grandpa told me stories about
his past, our culture and his stance on Taiwanese independence. We would play
ping pong together in the mornings and in the afternoon, he would be at his
desk writing in his notebook. Everyone would always sit around the table for
dinner with the TV on the Chinese news channel. I am still very fond of that
period in my life.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Eventually my
grandparents moved back to Taiwan and I would see the family twice a year,
summer and winter vacation. Each time I went back my grandpa would be a bit
older and a bit more withdrawn. The man who had taught me about my family
history, culture, and my native country was slowly slipping away. As I became
an adult, the grandpa I knew growing up was no longer there, just a shell of the
happy, smiling man I had known. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I remember riding in
the back seat with my grandpa on one occasion when I was about 12 years old. My
Uncle Johnson was driving and my father was in the front passenger seat. It was
one of the last times I was to have a lucid conversation with him. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“You know why we
brought you to America right?” my grandpa asked me in native Taiwanese.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Yes grandpa.”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“We want you to make a
name for yourself and for our family name. Our family has worked very hard for
you grandchildren to have a better future.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“I will try my best to
make our family proud.”<br />
<br />
“Remember to always put your family first and to be proud of be a Taiwanese
citizen. Whatever you do, always have a good conviction and a humble heart.
Hard work, family, and belief in God will provide you everything you need in
life.”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Yes grandpa.”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Did you understand
what grandpa said?” my dad asked.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I shook my head yes.
It was one of the very last times grandpa would would have a full conversation.
And as times goes on and life proceeds, it’s the memories, stories, and the
wisdom grandpa shared with me that lasts forever. As a patriarch he has left a
great legacy in 3 different countries, a loving family, and imparted his heritage
onto the next generation. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">He had lived a long
beautiful life full of success and love. I always thought that he held on to
life because he never wanted my grandma to be alone. He has been the
cornerstone and rock of our family and he has left us with a strength that will
transcend even beyond his physical being. I choose to remember the grandpa I
knew when I was a young boy. And know that he is somewhere out there, smiling
down on all of us he has left behind.</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is a little cheesy for my taste, but I am playing to the
crowd. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The last part of day is going to the cemetery and burying
the urn and remains out in the countryside. There are more sermons, crying, and
songs. I remember why I never liked going to church as a child. The air is
thick and hot and there are mosquitoes everywhere. The final act is for each of
the family members to grab a handful of dirt to cover the urn. And then the day
is done as fast as it started. Everyone heads back into their cars and buses
and head towards the restaurant where we are to have dinner. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have not really talked to anyone all day. Usually when I
come back to Taiwan, family and friends will ask how I’m doing, if I have a girlfriend,
if I’m going to come back to work for my dad, but this time no one asks me
anything and I’m okay with that. It’s nice seeing everyone, but my threshold
for bullshit is at an all time low. As dinner goes on I start feeling the
jetlag and mostly I just want to go back into my room and be by myself.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I get back I check my email and social media and find
an acquaintance has left a particularly snide comment on one of my posts. At
first it doesn’t bother me much, but it just eats and eats at me until I feel like I have to say something. I suppose in any other instance I would’ve
thought it was funny and let it go, but instead I PM him and tell him that I
was going “cut his tits off and feed them to his cat.” It definitely wasn’t the
proper way to handle things, but it feels right at the time. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I lay in bed, I begin to cry and it comes slow and steady
until I cannot stop. I feel like going out, getting drunk and hurting someone or
myself. I want to forget the day, but it is too fresh in my mind. I want to
yell, scream and destroy something, but do not have the energy or heart to do
so.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After awhile, sleep comes and I am transported to my youth.
My family has just moved to America and I am walking to the park with my
grandpa. He has always been a very quiet person and in my dream he is no
different. He doesn’t say anything to me, but takes my hand and we walk down to
the park of my childhood home. I try to talk to him, but my voice is not
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-85962948597811221692016-03-19T01:57:00.000-07:002016-03-19T08:10:17.660-07:00Happy Hour till Close<div class="MsoNormal">
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<i>"Looking In, Looking Out" Mixed Media on Canvas 60x48 2015</i><br />
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“I’m still in love with her.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jack nodded, it was a rant that he heard about 100 times
before. “I know man.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You don’t understand, Jack. I messed up. It was my fault.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“Well, at least you can admit it.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“I’m going to get her back.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“How do you suppose you’re going to do that Sam? That’s not
how that works. She left you man.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’ll wait for her. I’ll do anything for her” Sam said as he
pulled at the last of his beer. They had been drinking since happy hour and Sam
showed it. His face was sallow and he was in the same work clothes that he had
been wearing all week. He looked like a sad puppy dog that had been kicked one
too many times.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“You think I don’t understand? After all that bullshit that
just went down with me and Suzy?” Jack paused for a moment. “Listen… it happens
to everybody, it’s not like you’re the first person to have ever been hurt. It’s
not easy. I know, but you’ve got to pull it together.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“You’re a different type of person than I am Jack. You’re
okay being single and dating around. You’re good with girls. I’m different. I’ll
never get a girl like her again.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Well that’s exactly your problem, if that’s your attitude
about things, things will never get better.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They were sitting at the back corner of their neighborhood
bar in the Richmond. They both worked corporate jobs and although they both
ended their relationships recently, Jack was doing quite a bit better than Sam.
They met in grad school and moved in together afterwards, both worked in tech
and were bachelors in their 30s.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jack was a single child, the only son and spoiled with
attention from birth. Life of the party and social he was everything Sam was
not. Sam was from a middle class family with 3 siblings, shy, reserved and hard
working, he had always been more bound to work and studies.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Sam got up from his seat wobbly. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“I’m going to use the pisser.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“Don’t you fucking call her man.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“I’m not going to call her. Can you get me another round?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Yeah.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Jack walked over to the bar. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“Hey Sally, can we get another round?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Yeah sure Jack, how’s Sam doing?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Not too great, I can’t get his mind off things.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I saw his girl in here last weekend with a group of boys.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Well make sure you don’t go telling him that. Better yet,
it might be time for us to find another bar.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You still seeing Suzy?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No we broke up, you want to go out with me tomorrow?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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“Don’t be a fool Jack.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jack walked back to the seats with the beers where he found
Sam on his phone. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“Are you texting her?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Sam didn’t answer.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Jesus, put the phone away.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Sam put his phone down, his eyes were red and he muttered
thanks as he grabbed a beer from Jack.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Remember the time back in school when we were dating those
two girls on Shasta?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Yeah I remember” Sam replied with a faint smile. “Those
were good times weren’t they?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“We never called them before 12 and they always made us food,
smoked us out and let us crash.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
“You still talk to Anna?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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“No last I heard she was married with a kid. Dorothy?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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“Nah, not since school. You ever think about past girls?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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“Yeah of course I do, I definitely miss Suzy’s body….”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Not like that, like I mean do you ever wish you would have
settled down with one of them?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Jack thought for a moment. “No never really. Not like that.
Things end for a reason don’t they? Sometimes things just don’t work out. Can I
imagine myself with a wife and kids right now? Absolutely not. They were great
girls, but I’m happy with being by myself. There’s so much I still want to do
and having a girlfriend, much less a wife or kids would definitely put an end
to that.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“I wanted to marry her Jack. I was prepared to ask her
parents.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Well, things didn’t work out that way did they?” Jack said
exasperated. “Look Sam, she was a great girl and she was a lot of fun and smart
with a great job and all that. But fuck her man. Fuck her. She’s gone and the
sooner you accept that fact and move on. The better it will be for you.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Stop, just stop.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“I love you man, I just don’t think you should put yourself
through this over and over again.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sam rubbed at a vertical scar on the inside of his right
forearm. They both sipped at their beers in silence for a few minutes. Both
knowing that their stances on the subject were vastly different and that no
matter how hard either tried to convince the other, they would stand their
ground.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Are you alright Sam?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yeah I’m alright.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Time heals everything.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“That’s cheesy, Jack.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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Sam thought for a moment before he spoke. “Sometimes when I’m
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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just a thought that runs through my brain sometimes.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I didn’t mean it.”<br />
<br />
"You just can't go about saying things like that."<br />
<br />
"I was just joking."<br />
<br />
“Sam I don’t want to go through what happened in December again.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I don’t want to have to see you do that again Sam. Listen
to me. You’ve got a lot going on for you. You’ve got your dream job, we’re
making stupid money, and we live in this beautiful city… a lot of people care
about you.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I promise.”<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
"Promise?"<br />
<br />
"I said I promise."</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Damnnit Sam. There’s more to life…” Jack didn’t finish his
sentence.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They sat through the rest of their beers in silence, knowing
that nothing had been resolved and nothing was ever going to be the same again.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-31597774715630275782016-03-14T19:52:00.000-07:002016-03-14T19:55:49.427-07:00Finding the Past in Paris<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uUxic7bLN3k/Vud28v9GjsI/AAAAAAAAA6k/DvRL1runuxgUWtPcLQfvWCXnsvTG-NEBw/s1600/unnamed-7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uUxic7bLN3k/Vud28v9GjsI/AAAAAAAAA6k/DvRL1runuxgUWtPcLQfvWCXnsvTG-NEBw/s400/unnamed-7.jpg" width="318" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
"The Artist in Paris" Acrylics on Canvas 16x10 2016</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
10 years ago I was 21 years old and doing a study abroad across
the street from the Luxembourg Gardens in the middle of summer. 10 years ago I had
about 2 semesters to go before graduation. I was young and naïve, full of
ambition and anxiety about what was to happen next in life. I was single in a
seductive city with a class full of pretty girls. It was a beautiful time to be
young. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am visiting the city again as an adult. There is a pull to
the city and something I have left behind. I am looking for a piece of my past,
something to make sense of my present. There was a mother traveling alone with
her infant in the seat in front of me on the flight there. I barely sleep for
more than an hour on the flight getting into Paris. I land and take a taxi to
my apartment for the week. I meet some friends for lunch and don’t find my way
back into bed until 5am. I wake up at 4pm the next day and curse myself for
wasting so much time. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
High moral values wouldn’t be the way you would have
described me as a young man. I believed that I wouldn’t ever marry, wouldn’t have a family, and as age creeps up, the reality of things
becomes a bit more clear. I was not a good son or human being for a long time. I blew off my family for things I deemed more
important, things which were quite fleeting in retrospect. I negated a lot of those closest to me for my own wants and desires. I felt a need for
individualism and to break away from my own innate background.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I step outside of the apartment and it is biting cold with a
light snow falling from the sky. I have no phone and want to know that I am able
to find my way back to the past. I am hoping that my memory will serve me
well enough to navigate the streets. I feel very lonely in the city knowing
that the only goal is a destination to a time in my life that had long ago
slipped away. Like picking up a book and rereading it a decade later, the
meanings change.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had classes in the mornings and would spend the rest of
the day at the garden or exploring the city. My classmates and I would buy out
the entire 4 Euro stock of cheap red wine from the local corner market and
smoke hash we scored from North African immigrants in the park. I didn’t think
much about the class or our assignments and was mostly checked out of college
and classes in general. It was my one last hurrah before I was to move away
from the safety of my little college town and into the work force, away from
the friends I’d met and the unscrupulous abandon of my college life. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I make my way down Rue du Renard towards the River and the
Notre Dame. I walk past the people hurrying about their way home through the
growing evening. There are large crowds of tourists taking pictures at the Hotel
de Ville. I stop on the Seine and watch the sun set and the water sparkle and
shine with the city. Lovers huddled close together as they make their way
across the bustling cobbled streets. The city is romantic and very lonely at
the same time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivwe6A2HCNVRLw4KiD0U6d7TgRAYTy95et8rh7deukQYP_3OEx8yfUMaGNB_-yn9B0tsCa1xjrQ2MBCjBP_xn_HC7S37Qg7BKmEmeecflBnL3obF1oWSVzoFewVxq5aSJ5u6SlgZFLCct1/s1600/unnamed-9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivwe6A2HCNVRLw4KiD0U6d7TgRAYTy95et8rh7deukQYP_3OEx8yfUMaGNB_-yn9B0tsCa1xjrQ2MBCjBP_xn_HC7S37Qg7BKmEmeecflBnL3obF1oWSVzoFewVxq5aSJ5u6SlgZFLCct1/s320/unnamed-9.jpg" width="264" /></a>I remember B______. She was a girl from my class that I
liked and we would hold hands down unfamiliar streets and discuss our dreams
and desires for the future. We talked about our class and friends back home.
She had eyes like a cat, and would always smile slyly at me like she knew a
secret that I didn’t. She had a boyfriend at the time so nothing ever got too
serious even though I did try to persuade her otherwise.<br />
<br />
<i>"Another Time, Another Place" 28x22 Acrylics on Canvas 2016</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I get to St. Michel and the streets become familiar. The
storefronts new, but the same. In college I had very romantic notions of becoming
a writer and painter; I would have never thought I would be where I am today. I
was not hungry enough as a young man and was chasing the wrong things. Life was
a series of meaningless achievements lined up on a forgotten mantelpiece back
home. There is an oceans distance between stability and chasing a dream. My
present still seems uncertain, so I search in the past. I know I will find
nothing there, but truth and destiny seem to be always right around the corner.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a young person I didn’t really think about life or time. I
mostly chased women, knowing that I would pass my classes through wit,
cheating, and charm. It was the way that I had mostly gone through life and it
was a horrible way to go about things. I know that I’ve
made some bad choices, but life is a series of mistakes until you find the
truth, or at least your own truth. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The crowd thins as I take a right on Medicis which turns
into Vaugirard. The streets are now quiet except for the occasional pedestrian.
I panic a bit as I realize that I am not quite sure of where I am, and that
maybe I’ve lost my way. I cross back and forth a few times but find the Rue de
Fleurus and take a right on Jean Bart. I finally find the old Hotel, which sits
adjacent to a police station in a quiet neighborhood. I peer inside and the
place still looks the same. A small quiet waiting area and a front desk which the
old front desk man takes his night shifts. My roommates and I would stay up late in bed smoking cigarettes and talk about what we wanted to have accomplished by the time we were 30.<br />
Would who I was back then be proud of who I'd become?<br />
<br />
It makes me sad a little bit to
think that this hotel has not changed at all. And I think that maybe that’s the
case with most things and that only people change. I don’t know why I had to
make it all the way across town to look at this place from my past, but I knew
that I wanted to see it. I look at my watch and it is already 9pm. I grab a sandwich and soda from a convenience store and eat it on the way back across the river. I am content knowing that I have found what I was looking for even though there was no answer.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI3jC0QCNjcg4Oes6hUfeTREQLrAlw7hiKyl-d2qqO6o0oL8VPbDwiXCO_nPaP71CjKIemZgL4GKWdQaMxQxfGGG3Svri4oLH100v5y0X33vqm3JZHQv1vbbsFU8E_6vAJgz0EPNmsvUHU/s1600/unnamed-8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI3jC0QCNjcg4Oes6hUfeTREQLrAlw7hiKyl-d2qqO6o0oL8VPbDwiXCO_nPaP71CjKIemZgL4GKWdQaMxQxfGGG3Svri4oLH100v5y0X33vqm3JZHQv1vbbsFU8E_6vAJgz0EPNmsvUHU/s640/unnamed-8.jpg" width="278" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am in my 30s. My parents are getting older, women have
come and gone, and sometimes people just say good bye. The man I was in my 20s is
not the man I am today. People change, thoughts change, and beliefs change. I
went looking for my past in some old landmark and there was nothing there. I am
just another cynical, broken man with a string of bad relationships and a
half-realized dream. Life is made up of memories and I certainly don’t want to
spend the rest of my 30s in meaningless pursuits. I went looking for an answer,
but those things never come easy. The answer was never in the past, but
is a nebulous beacon somewhere ahead, like Gatsby looking out across the bay.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I make my way home out of the chill and the darkness to the
quiet and solitude of my clean, well lit apartment. The world is silent besides
the late night drunks wandering the streets. Everything I know is half the
world away, but I find solace in knowing that I am the same person here as I am
anywhere else. I have a moment of doubt and feel like I have not yet done
anything with my life, but it passes. I am free, I am young, and I can yet
achieve anything. I have all the potential in the world, it’s just a matter of
moving forward and into the unknown.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-82997796829170528912016-01-11T15:10:00.001-08:002016-01-11T15:10:55.179-08:00Blurring the Lines<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYRyF9CMQ_wY9uNzFJ1g-IzwRmoL9-GQEmqtcQ0F5IqLcLhyq_NF30GntPhO5I9dgoGoFrnD9lFGU7OTxnpjClQ2PbC7SqZWu7eHqVM3Jlg37cVKXxSJfeU8XCw71PC6IRD-ppYz-JwnUE/s1600/unnamed-4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYRyF9CMQ_wY9uNzFJ1g-IzwRmoL9-GQEmqtcQ0F5IqLcLhyq_NF30GntPhO5I9dgoGoFrnD9lFGU7OTxnpjClQ2PbC7SqZWu7eHqVM3Jlg37cVKXxSJfeU8XCw71PC6IRD-ppYz-JwnUE/s640/unnamed-4.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I try to be honest with the things I write and I try to not
to step on any toes. Anonymity is a key factor especially when writing about
real people who have their own views and opinions differing from my own.
Recently I’ve had a slew of differing encounters with people regarding stories
and posts I’ve put up. I share things which I cannot take back and I understand
how a lot of things can be taken out of context especially when I am prone to
elaboration and artistic license. I want the stories to be entertaining, but I
also want to be truthful. I am sometimes worried about the history and subject
matter which some people may find distasteful, but in the end the content is
meant to get to things I myself don’t fully comprehend and am trying to figure
out. </div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal">
It was going to be a particularly busy day. I had a
tournament in the morning, a baby shower in the afternoon, and plans to meet
some friends at an art show and drinks later on in the evening. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Talking to parents at a tournament usually means talking
their kids up and ending with things they need to improve on. The worst parents
are the ones who demand that their kids get more playing time, because their
child is usually a terrible athlete. Those conversations are few and far
between and mostly parents are quite positive. Talking to a parent that
morning, P____ came into the conversation (“<a href="http://ddchen13.blogspot.com/2015/11/the-player-that-never-was.html">They
Player that Never Was</a>”).<br />
<br />
“You know Mrs. G_____ was not too happy about your blog post about P_____”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yeah I could see how she would be upset about something
like that.”<br />
<br />
“It wasn’t too anonymous.”<br />
<br />
“No, I suppose not” I answered, feeling a tinge of guilt. “That situation
bothered me for a very long time. I tried very hard to get that kid back.”<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></div>
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She nodded but I could not tell if she agreed with me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After the tournament I stopped by a baby shower for a
college friend who was expecting his first child. I’ve been to a few of these
co-ed baby showers/parties now, which strictly were only women just a few years
back. I struck up a conversation with an acquaintance also single in his 30s.
He asked about my drinking issues (<a href="http://ddchen13.blogspot.com/2015/12/a-sordid-love-affair.html">“A Sordid
Love Affair”.</a>)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
“You still drinking?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yeah I mean I didn’t completely quit. I just quit drinking
by myself, it started becoming a habit everyday after work.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“So I heard you’re single now.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yeah S______ and I broke up a few months ago.” I’ve found
that there are two types of people, those who will automatically ask you about
a breakup and those who wait for you to bring it up.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Are you doing okay?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yeah, I mean it is what it is. Just staying busy and
focusing on my career.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He looked away and the conversation was interrupted by the
opening of baby gifts. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I went home around 4pm to take a nap. I woke up to a call
from C_____, a college friend who had recently moved into the bay area. C_____
and I were very close and had traveled together and kept in touch throughout
our careers. He had moved to the bay area to be with his girlfriend who also
happened to be my first serious relationship in college. I felt a little
awkward about the situation when he first brought it up a few years ago, but
they seem to be doing well and I’m glad that he is happy and seems to be quite
settled. I’ve never felt it was my say what happened with anything after I
parted ways with someone.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I want to pick up a painting from you but T_____ would
never allow it in the house.”<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What do you mean? It’s just a painting, you can just put it
up anywhere.”<br />
<br />
“She hates you man.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I don’t understand why she hates me. It’s been over a
decade since we’ve broken up. So you’re saying I wouldn’t be invited to your
wedding?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He laughed into the receiver. “No man, no fucking way. She
thinks you cheated on her.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Why would she think that?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“She reads those stories you put up. She thinks you cheated
on her while you were in China.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(“<a href="https://ddchen13.blogspot.com/b/post-preview?token=XjdlNFIBAAA.OeEYWB7aNKK1fQ_6Ec9N2nQdlOYe6UxSlUCj6O5dvQX0-DGFC6RC4uwPhlP9iMa2_2TmAZcIEuH9I2dHCrIFtg.-3FRuTfET3QYdC5foCsBIA&postId=5558312661695414183&type=POST">A
Night Out in China</a>”)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m surprised she even reads anything I put out.” I didn’t
know how I felt about it, but it wasn’t too positive.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We made plans to meet up in a few weeks. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I drove out downtown to meet friends at a big art opening.
Afterwards we migrated to Geary Club, a small dive in the Tenderloin. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“How was Taiwan?” (“<a href="http://ddchen13.blogspot.com/2015/11/a-wide-expanse-of-water-separating-my.html">A
Wide Expanse of Water</a>”)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“It was good, hung out with my folks and family mostly.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Did you go out at all?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yeah was in Taipei for a few days, but nothing too crazy.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Have you started dating yet?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’ve tried some dating apps, but not super into it. I would
much rather just meet someone in real life.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Well you know that N_____ and I met on match.com right?”
They were going to be married in October.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yeah, but its just a little strange, I’ve been on online dates
before but it’s not really for me.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You’ve got to just stick with it.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We moved down to Novella on Mission for a friend’s birthday
party. The place with packed to the brim and we had to wait a little while in
line before getting in.<br />
<br />
“You going to W_____ and C_____’s wedding?” (“<a href="http://ddchen13.blogspot.com/2015/12/loneliness-in-frankfurt.html">Loneliness
in Frankfurt</a>”)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No man, I am not invited.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What about that girl E_____ from last week. You guys seemed
to hit it off.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I mean she’s really cute and successful, but I don’t really
want to jump into anything right now.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You can’t get over anyone without getting under someone.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I watched the crowd and the young people enjoying their
night. I bumped into a friend I hadn’t seen in years and he asked if I was
still bartending. <a href="http://ddchen13.blogspot.com/2015/10/never-say-never.html">(“Never say
Never”)</a><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No, not anymore man. It wasn’t really for me.”<br />
<br />
“I definitely follow your blog quite a bit. You’re a great writer.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Thank man, I appreciate that.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You really put everything out on the line and it’s
refreshing jump from the rest of the things people usually post on Facebook and
social media. I recently broke up with my girlfriend too.” <a href="http://ddchen13.blogspot.com/2016/01/a-long-ride-home.html">(“A Long Ride
Home”)</a><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m sure everyone goes through the things I go through. The
dating scenes changed quite a bit though.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yeah, we should hang out and go cruising sometime.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We exchanged numbers and went about our way. I left Novela
with my friends and went back to the Tenderloin to grab some food. I got a text
from S______.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Hey I just wanted to see how you were doing. You don’t have
to answer if you don’t want to.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was tired and said goodbye to everyone and made the drive
home. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I got a call from my mom on the way back.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Hey mom, what’s up.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Nothing, just worried about you.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Why are you worried?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“About you and S______ and your relationships. You seem to
always just break up at the end and every relationship follows the same
timeline and trend.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m doing okay, you shouldn’t be worried mom. Things like
this happen and I’m busy and getting about my own things.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I just don’t understand why your relationships always end
like that.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“It’s like I mean them to. Sometimes people just don’t get
along. I don’t think I would want to spend the rest of my life arguing about
the same things with one person forever. There’s still a lot of things I want
to do before I really settle down.”<br />
<br />
“I know.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Don’t worry mom, there’s nothing to think about it.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wanted to reassure her the best I could and to have her
just be at peace with what I was doing, but mom’s have a way about seeing their
children as children forever. She worried from care and love and if I were
younger I would have probably gotten annoyed with the whole conversation. I
wanted to give her a hug and tell her I was managing well, but my voice
probably belied my true feelings. (<a href="http://ddchen13.blogspot.com/2015/11/a-very-short-thunderstorm.html">“A
Very Short Thunderstorm”)</a><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-36988180967206154402016-01-05T15:01:00.003-08:002016-01-05T15:13:47.184-08:00A Long Ride Home<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwNK171v_fH2pjqtm4R8QT4x_D6jZHf2cWAF65zWiVadvHnlyvI7gyUIgY9BrXHCHJypJWWX96UPfBWBp0zTHpwKYRqiHgXrcyskjsnX-cdzOPK7w5WCQSz7olPdJ3I-6Mm60wU_Ns7bd2/s1600/Long+Ride+Home.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="506" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwNK171v_fH2pjqtm4R8QT4x_D6jZHf2cWAF65zWiVadvHnlyvI7gyUIgY9BrXHCHJypJWWX96UPfBWBp0zTHpwKYRqiHgXrcyskjsnX-cdzOPK7w5WCQSz7olPdJ3I-6Mm60wU_Ns7bd2/s640/Long+Ride+Home.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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They waited on the corner of Sacramento and Polk for their
Uber. It was only a little bit past 12, but it had been a long night and all
they wanted to do was get back home. She was in a floral print blouse and heels
and the young man in a tshirt and jeans.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Why did you get so drunk? It was really embarrassing
showing up in front of my coworkers like that.”<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m not that drunk.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You told me that you were going to try to change.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m just not feeling like myself lately.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“It doesn’t mean you have to drink so much.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They waited in silence on the curb. The car arrived shortly
and they got into the long ride home. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What are we going to do about Thanksgiving?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What do you mean?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Are we going to stay here or are we going to my parent’s?"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Whatever you want, it doesn’t really matter much to me.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Well, since we are going to be traveling for Christmas we
should probably go to my parents for Thanksgiving” she said decidedly. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What are we doing with our relationship?” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“We’re doing fine T_____, why bring something like that up
exactly at this moment?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Because we never talk about it and you always brush it off,
exactly like you’re doing right now.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“It’s just going to lead into another fight and that’s really
the last thing I want to do right now. I don’t understand why you can’t just
let things be."</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You don’t even want to get married, how am I supposed to be
with someone who doesn’t want to marry me?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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“Then maybe we should just break up and go about our own
ways.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Why do you always have to take it to that point?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Maybe we’re just different people and it’s just not working
out.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Why can’t we just go to couple’s therapy and try to talk
things out and work on these issues instead of just having you just throw
everything away.”<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m not throwing anything away. I’m just sick of repeating
the same arguments. We’re different people and it seems that we’re just going
in opposite directions. What’s the point of trying to force things if we aren’t
working? We should end things now before it gets even more complicated.”<br />
<br />
She started to sniffle. “I should have listened to my parent’s and never moved
in with you.”<br />
<br />
“It was never my idea to begin with.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I should have stayed on the East Coast. I moved all the way
out here for you and now you’re just throwing everything away. You don’t even
care.”<br />
<br />
“T______ you know that I care. We just can’t do this to each other anymore.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I should have never moved out here.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Well you can’t just go about getting everything you want in
life.”<br />
<br />
“You’re an asshole.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He looked up at the Uber driver embarrassed but the driver
was staring straight ahead into the dark road. They continued there long
journey home in silence, with nothing resolved. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-24351113922382931902015-12-17T15:27:00.000-08:002015-12-17T15:28:26.837-08:00Loneliness in Frankfurt<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AI97NS2jM_0/VnNEFZyeDpI/AAAAAAAAA3g/I975oNyjnZ8/s1600/Loneliness%2Bin%2BFrankfurt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AI97NS2jM_0/VnNEFZyeDpI/AAAAAAAAA3g/I975oNyjnZ8/s640/Loneliness%2Bin%2BFrankfurt.jpg" width="508" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
My dad asked me to take a trip out to Germany a few years
ago for a furniture convention with one of his top sales executives. I flew
into Frankfurt a day early and stayed in a hostel just south of central station
next to the Main River. It was about mid-March, the city gray, cold and bleak. I
got in on a Saturday afternoon and most of the main restaurants and shops were
closed. There was a strip club just down the block offering an “all you can
drink” special for 35 Euro, but even that would have been a little too low for
my standards. I wandered the streets alone before retiring to a beer garden in
a little plaza. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I walked by a little tourist stand and picked out a
postcard. I sat on a bench and pulled a pen out of my backpack.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hey W____,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I’ve arrived here
safely in Frankfurt. I’ll be here for another week or so and it is very cold
and is not much what I expected. I wish you were here. I miss you dearly and
hope that school and work are going well. I’ll call you when I’m back. I messed
up and I think we should talk things over.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">XOX<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Daniel<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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I bought a stamp and put the postcard in a mailbox. I had
just broken up with W____. We had dated for about 3 months. She was younger and
we had met through one of my brother’s friends. I was in college at the time
and she would drive up to Davis to see me on the weekends. She was young and
pretty and came from good stock. We knew a lot of the same people, but we kept
our relationship a secret because we didn’t want things stirring on the rumor
mill due to her age. W_____ was sociable and friendly and was a part of a
sorority, everything that I was not. I was in my early 20s and had just gotten
out of a long term relationship which had taken up most of my college career
and I wasn’t looking for another commitment.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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We were sitting on the couch, sipping on beers on one of her
weekend visits.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m just not looking to date anyone seriously.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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“Yeah me either.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“We can just feel things out you know?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No pressure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like
you and like where things are going. I don’t want anything serious either.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Good, I’m glad you feel the same way.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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“I’m happy that we have met each other.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She smiled at me “You’re not too horrible yourself.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A few weeks passed and she came up on a three-day holiday.
We texted and called each other daily, but it was merely pleasantries hidden in
the form of flirtation and trivial conversation. I missed her, but not in a
longing, painful sense of way. I knew that the relationship wouldn’t last long
and I put very little effort into the whole ordeal thinking that she thought of
me the same way. We went out to a friend’s party on Saturday with my friends
who liked her because she liked to drink and was out-going. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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“How do you know Daniel?” one of my friends asked.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“We have some mutual friends.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Have you guys been dating for awhile?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No we are just friends.” I interjected. I said it rather
quickly, a beat too early like I was already expecting to say it. I looked over
at W_____ as I said it and I could see her heart break. Her eyes watered a bit,
but she held things together for the sake of everything but I knew that the
damage had been done and that all our cards had been revealed. She went home
later that weekend and I knew that I had to call her and put an end to things,
even though it was something neither of us wanted. It would just be the right
thing to do. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Hey W______”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Hey Daniel how was your day?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“It was alright, the same old bullshit. Listen I wanted to
to talk about something.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Okay…” she replied hesitantly.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I told her things weren’t working out and that we were in
different places in our lives. I told her that she was too young and that it
was just a fling and that it would be better for the both of us if things ended
sooner than later. She remained mostly silently but agreed in the end. She had
bought me a Birthday present and mailed it to my apartment. It sat sad and
unopened on my desk as we hung up the phone.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I met a German couple while in the plaza beer garden and
they offered to take me out to a local bar across the river. They were nice
enough, but I was not very much in the mood for conversation, mostly looking to
drink and not be entirely alone. After awhile, they excused themselves and said
that they had to wake up early the next morning.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Just one more drink, I’ll buy.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No we must really get going. It was nice meeting you” they
said.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I walked alone back to the hostel a few miles away. I passed
couples huddled close together enjoying each other’s company on the cold winter
night. I made a resolve that once I got back to the States I would work things
out with W_____. I told myself I had made a mistake and that she was good for
me. I knew rationally though that this was just loneliness speaking and that
the moment had already passed and that she had already slipped away. I didn’t
feel much like being alone in a strange city so I stopped by a bar next to my
hostel.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I saw W_____ a few years ago at a party with her fiancé. We
talked for a little while after our breakup and would run into each other
occasionally. I don’t think any of our friends knew that we were ever involved
and I hoped that she had not told her fiancé anything either. As the party
progressed and drinks were consumed I found myself in a quiet corner alone with
W______.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Your fiancé seems like a really great guy, I’m really happy
for you.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yes, he is the best.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m glad that we are cool and that we can still be friends.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She looked at me quizzically as if I had just insulted her.<br />
<br />
“You really hurt me Daniel.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What do you mean?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You know what I’m talking about.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“We were young, I didn’t know what I wanted at the time.”<br />
<br />
“I loved you so much. I tried my best and never did anything to upset you and
just went with what you wanted.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I looked over at the party hoping that no one was watching.<br />
<br />
“I don’t think that this is the best time to have this conversation.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You were a fucking asshole. I did nothing to you and you
broke me heart.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I know W_____. There’s nothing I can do to take that back.
Please maybe we can have this talk another time.”<br />
<br />
She had rehearsed this conversation for a long time and there was nothing that
was going to stop her from this opportunity.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You will never find love. You are a jerk and you will end
up being alone.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I didn’t know what to say so I just didn’t say anything.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m sorry Daniel. You know I didn’t mean that, you just
really hurt me and I loved you and it took me a long time to forget about everything.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m sorry too.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She wiped at her eyes and left me in the corner.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had to catch a 7am train to Hannover the next morning to
meet the sales executive. I sat at the bar next to the hostel content to drink
it away and just deal with it the next morning. I have not been single since I was
15 years old. There has always been a new woman there to replace the last. Even
now, I don’t really know what its like to be single, much less completely content
with who I am alone. My self worth and ego always seeking to fulfill itself with
someone because who I am is never enough. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I watched the crowd and scanned the bar patrons, happy and
jovial. Clinking glasses and engaged. I felt a little more alone than ever. After
a break up friends tend to say things like “time heals all”, or “plenty of fish
in the sea”, or “you just haven’t found the right person” or some other cliché like
that. They are just things people say to make things better, but they are
mostly just words. I watch as my friends have all settled down or married,
bought houses, and are having kids and I wonder if I had made a mishap at some
point. If any of the women was the one that got away.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I order another beer and catch eyes with a brunette across
the bar. She smiles at me and I smile back. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At this point, I don’t think that another woman is the
answer to anything. Like any other addiction, I have just always moved on to the
next new thing, never dealing with my own underlying problems. Sometimes I
think that maybe some men are just meant to be alone and that family, love, and
ever after are things that don’t happen for some people. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The brunette comes over and we exchange pleasantries.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Do you mind if I sit down?” she asks. I know that this will
lead to nothing good, but at that moment it is better than what was happening before.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-48189292097466723692015-12-02T14:08:00.000-08:002015-12-02T14:51:10.298-08:00A Sordid Love Affair <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-R72GOjKRESo/Vl9rRDWNaSI/AAAAAAAAA2k/Lhj5D_mMvPU/s1600/unnamed-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="473" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-R72GOjKRESo/Vl9rRDWNaSI/AAAAAAAAA2k/Lhj5D_mMvPU/s640/unnamed-1.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>I have always had a very addictive personality. I'll latch on to things and have a very hard time of letting them go whether they are physical or ideological. From my teenage years until now, I've dealt with a lot of issues with self-medication and addiction. It's been a rocky road and although there is still a long road ahead, the first step is always admitting that you have a problem.</i></div>
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.....................................................</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I met her when I was 14 years old, after school at a friend’s
house while his parents were out. I’ll have to admit that I was pretty scared
at the time. I walked in and there she was, like something I had been missing
my entire life. She made me feel languid and confidant filling the void. We
talked and hung out, watched an episode of “The Simpsons”. My friend’s parents
came home and kicked us out. I promised I would keep in touch and that’s how we
started our sordid love affair.<o:p></o:p></div>
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She was always around during high school, we would see each
other at parties on the weekends and we even went to prom together. My parent’s
definitely didn’t approve of her. They thought I was too young and that she led
me into the wrong crowds. But like any young boy in the throes, I was deeply
entrenched and blind to any negative repercussions. She made me feel good and I
thought I was in love. I thought she was something I needed because of the way
she made me feel.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It was in college where things got hot and heavy. There were
definitely fights like anything else, sometimes we would have a bad row and I
would feel miserable in the morning and for the rest of the following day. But
things would always cool down and then it would be back into the same old
routine. My friends liked her too so there was almost always never getting away
from it. Sometimes I felt like my life was becoming too intertwined with hers.
She made up so much of my personality and my persona that sometimes I did not
know who I was and where we began. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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After college ended, friends drifted off into their own
relationships and jobs like people are destined to do. I was lost for a little
while, but she was always there. At the time I was studying for LSATS while
working at an office job and I was miserable and it wasn’t what I wanted. She
was by my side, a voice from the past, lulling me into a false sense of
security and comfort. She would always promise me that everything was going to
alright, although I knew that it wouldn’t. I wasn’t happy with myself, so I
lost myself in her. We would cut ourselves off from the rest of the world and I
thought sometimes that was good enough. <o:p></o:p></div>
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It’s always hard to pinpoint exactly where a relationship
goes awry. Long gone were the young, innocent days of discovery and inhibition.
Nights out with friends and social gatherings were replaced with dive bars and
forgotten saloons. When I would invite her along to have dinner with my parents
they would give me a look saying “we were only expecting you.” She had started
to become a crutch. I was desperate for her at times: in depression,
celebration, loneliness, boredom, she had become a part of me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I couldn’t go anywhere without her. She spoke for me in
public. She was a shield between me and the world. I was seeing her so often I
didn’t know if I could ever live without her. It was easy to let her take the
lead and I it accepted without question. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“Can we meet up?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Yeah, you know I’m always here for you.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“We have to talk.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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I meet her at my usual bar, staring at old faces, tired and
worn. Filled with yearning, regret, mistakes, and broken promises. Broken men
and broken dreams. These faces unable to move away from the past, filling
themselves with fleeting content to escape the pain. I have always thought of
myself as one of these men, hiding behind the mask that she was able to help me
put on. A false sense of stoicism, of masculinity. As much as I wanted to step
away, she was always there calling me back. And it was always so easy to go
back.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I had lost myself in her and it was time for me to step
away. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
“I can’t see you anymore.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She looked at me coyly and smiled like she didn’t believe
me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
“I have to say good bye.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
“What about all our memories?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
“They weren’t real.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“But you said that you would love me forever.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You and I both know that it is time for me to go.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She looked at me long and hard and whispered “I’ll see you
soon.” I walked out of the bar and away from everything I knew.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I miss her dearly sometimes. After a long day, I want to
taste her on my lips and have her fill me with her warmth. Like any sordid love
affair, saying good bye is always the hardest part. It is time for me to find
myself, to find happiness without her. I can’t say that I won’t relapse. I’ll
probably see her around and fall back into it as the past is sometimes hard to
walk away from. I have forgotten what it is to experience, to be present. Who I’ve
become does not match up who I want to be. Sometimes love doesn’t last forever and I'm beginning to learn that it's okay. It's just the way things are.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-17263829067987284132015-11-20T06:46:00.002-08:002015-11-20T06:48:12.134-08:00A Very Short Thunderstorm<div class="MsoNormal">
A thunderstorm ignites right as the taxi pulls up to the
curb. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Most of the ride is in silence, the rain pattering the hood
and rooftop of the cab. A streak of lightning flares the sky. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
BOOM<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The taxi stops and my dad asks the cabbie if he can break a
1000NT note.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We step out into the rain shielding our heads and run for
the awning.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
BOOM<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get my ticket at
the counter as my parents watch. The rain comes down in droves outside.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have been waiting for this moment for a long time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
BOOM<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As we walk up to the security check in, I turn and ask my
mom for a hug.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m not used to hugging people.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Well I am” I reply.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hold her for a moment and tell her I love her.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I know” she says.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I turn to my dad and he holds out his hand. I hold out my
arms.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m too old to hug.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m not” I reply and I tell him I love him too.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The rain begins to subside outside<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I turn to leave and wipe away my tears before I turn back.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve waited 31 years to say those words.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s never too late for anything. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-77878953601568530052015-11-17T01:52:00.000-08:002015-11-17T22:51:48.015-08:00A Wide Expanse of Water Separating My Heart in Two<div class="MsoNormal">
Long flights across the ocean, 14 hours crammed into a
seat not meant to fit my frame. 14 hours across the ocean, a 15 minutes’ bus ride,
and an hour and a half train ride and I’m back to the home I grew up in. Where
so much and so little has changed. The place you grow up defines so much of who
you are and who you will become.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You’ve gotten so fat! You must be eating a lot of
hamburgers in America.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
People say that you can’t run away from your problems and I don’t
disagree. A change of scenery, new friends, an adventure won’t stop your past
from catching up. It’s still there, maligned, certain, and infallible. I feel
like I’m back in high school, pining over the girl I love, hoping that she
feels the same, but knowing that my love will never be reciprocated. Last I
checked she is married with two kids and one on the way. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“How are you and your girlfriend? Broke up? You should get
married soon, settle down.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I was a child, I’d blast the AC all night and not
bother to put on any covers. I got deathly sick. My mom brought me soup in
bed and while I ran a horrible fever. I prayed that if I got better I would
never be bad again. There was only the sickness and the pain, I promised I
would listen to my parents and be a good boy if it went away. I break my
promise to God for the next two decades. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Are you moving back? When are you taking over your father’s
business?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel trapped and liberated at the same time. There was never much
parental supervision. I roamed the city streets wild and free, with no curfew
and little restriction. I ate too much candy, watched too many violent movies,
too little structure, too much time. Twice a year I’m back, summer vacation and
winter break. A place I am very familiar with, but a stranger at the same time.
Like most of my life, I have very little friends, but spend much of my time
alone. I seem to be socially inept both on the Island and in the States. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Do you speak mandarin? Wow, it’s not bad for an ABC
(American Born Chinese).”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am not Asian, I am not American, some sort of the alien to
most people. A banana (yellow on the outside, white on the inside) to more
cultural Asians. I stand on the outside looking in, wishing I could fit in
somewhere, wishing I had chosen to fit in somewhere along the path. I often
remind myself that this is the path I’ve chosen and that there is no turning
back. There is nothing to turn back to. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“San Francisco? A lot of gays.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wish I could tell my parents that I love them. I know they
know, but to voice it out loud would be strange. They would probably look at me
as if I was going through some sort of emotional breakdown. I hugged them for
the first time when I was in my early 20’s, a stiff awkward hug like the ones
you give acquaintance’s or a stranger. I hang out at my mom’s country cottage
with her friends as they make small talk and sip coffee. I hit the links with
my dad with his friends, listening to them tell dirty jokes and reminisce about
the past. It brings me peace to be in their presence. So much time to make up.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Art? Painting? You can’t make very much money doing that
can you?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I meet a girl at a bar and she asks me what my favorite food
is. We go out to dinner and she orders the most expensive thing on the menu.
She doesn’t even bother to pretend to want to pay and I wonder if this is a
cultural thing or if she’s just another girl looking for a free meal. She is
pretty and she knows it, but has very little to fill in for conversation. Maybe
it’s due to my own lack of linguistic depth. I delete her phone number. I fill
my time with useless things, things to fill the void. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I think it’s better if we don’t talk anymore. We’ll never
get back together.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I meet some friends at an after hour’s karaoke spot. It is
past 4am and people are still drinking heavily, I want to leave but am afraid
that I’ll just lay awake in my bed alone. I want to make a human connection,
but my heart is not in it, turning the corners of my lips up when I am
addressed. I find it easier to pretend than to open up to anyone. There are
pretty faces everywhere, but not the one I am looking for. I tell myself “like
everything else, this will all pass.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“How long are you visiting for? Are you ever going to move
back?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I walk through the metro, through throngs of bodies. People
who look like me with the same blood running through their veins. I think about
all the women I have loved and lost, wondering if it would have been better
never to have met them because I am lonely. I look at all the faces as they
walk by, people going about their lives. I stand in line next to a group of
young French girls waiting for the train. The pretty brunette looks up and
smiles at me and for a moment I feel slightly better.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“We want you to be happy. You just do what you have to do to
make yourself happy.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am stuck in the middle. A wide expanse of water separating
my heart into two. An hour and a half train ride, a 15 minutes’ bus ride, and a
14 hour flight across the ocean and I’m back. Right back to where I’ve left
everything.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-27666374598747008322015-11-11T02:39:00.000-08:002015-11-17T22:52:49.232-08:00The Player that Never Was<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I had started hearing about him before the season started.
There was a buzz from the parents and current players that he had huge
potential. “P_____ started playing club ball at 10 years old.” As a coach, I
pretty much took any such information with a grain of salt. Parents have a
tendency to over exaggerate things, even if it doesn’t have to deal with their own
children. By this time in my career with Mills High School, I had already taken
the team from the very bottom of the league into a few winning seasons. I was
comfortable in my role and with my players, but figured any help I got was an
added bonus. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
P____ was tall for his age. Gangly with a clean shaven head
and a lackadaisical gait. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had been
hearing all the hype surrounding him but knew he was yet untested and unproven.
I was holding early summer tryouts and joked around with the returning boys
about how they looked out of shape. The early season tryouts are usually the
most grueling and it is easy to trim the fat and thin the herd within the first
few sessions. I have always liked these first few weeks because it tests the
character of the boys, especially with the kids on the bubble. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
P____ stuck it out and made it through the first few weeks
of conditioning without a hitch. While outside of the water he was shy and
withdrawn, in the water he was a natural. His love for competition and physical
exertion were apparent and he put it upon himself to outshine
every member of the varsity team. While still a freshman, he was able to help
take the team 9-5 on the strength of his shooting abilities which led us toward
the top of the rankings in the Ocean Division. I would be remiss to say that I
saw his addition to my team through purely selfish reasons. I knew that players
like P____ didn’t come often, I had never coached a player at his skill level.
He was a golden ticket for my coaching career and my team, like finding a four
leaf clover. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I should have seen the warning signs earlier. P____ helped
us win games which garnered him favor among the older kids. They started
invited him to parties and once or twice I definitely knew that he was coming
into Saturday morning practice hungover. I knew I should have said something
then, but I didn’t think anything bad would come of it. I
stuck to the adage that “boys will be boys”. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I told myself that the first time I had gotten drunk was when
I was 14 as well. During my sophomore year of high school, I had gone over my
friend J_____’s house while his parents were out of town and we split a fifth
of vodka.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told myself that it wasn’t
my job to control any of the boy’s social lives as long as they didn’t come to
practice stoned or drunk. I knew what it was like to be young once also and I
didn’t want to be the one to come down hard on anyone. I kept this lie to
myself even though I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do because we were
winning games and that was what mattered at the time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
During P_____’s sophomore year he got an early acceptance
letter from UCLA. He already had scouts looking at him and I wanted to make
sure that he kept up his production numbers and that I gave him the best shot
possible to play college ball. He still had holes in his game which we were
working on, but nevertheless he stood out among the pack. Other coaches and
refs would often come up to me after games and laud over P_____’s ability and
natural talent. “Boy’s got a cannon on him.” I would smile and nod and tell
myself that I would take his athletic career as far as it would go. We finished
P_____’s sophomore season 13-1 and tied for first place in the Ocean Division. With
the finish we were able to move up into the Bay Division against top ranked
teams such as Menlo and Menlo-Atherton, powerhouses which produced a litany of
college bound athletes. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
P_____’s accomplishments also translated towards my own
coaching career. I cold emailed the Stanford Water Polo Club director after
P_____’s first year and asked him for an interview. Mills has historically been
the punching bag of the water polo world and based on the merits of my record
in the last few years, I got hired straight away and started coaching some of
the elite talent athletes in Northern California. In truth, I’ve always had my
own insecurities about being a coach. Water polo is a white collar sport
dominated by rich white men who often saw little in the way of an Asian coach.
I had set out years ago against the stereotype of the weak Asian male and I had
to fight and claw my way for everything I had earned and yet to prove.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since I never played
college ball, I knew that what I lacked as a player would have to be learned
through being around other top level coaches. It was a grueling winter with
long commutes from SF to Silicon Valley every other day while attending
graduate school, but it was a sacrifice which would translate into experience
and knowledge for the future. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I coached through the winter session and the summer Junior
Olympics of the 2014 year. I looked forward to the first Mills season in the
Bay Division. As always, we started the year with early summer tryouts and
workout sessions. The team looked solid and I told them that this year would be
a huge test. During one of these early workouts I pulled P_____ aside for a chat
about his career and his own future. His mom had recently told me that he had
transferred from Mills to Middle College, which is a scholastic program which caters
to High School students who want to finish their GED while in a collegiate
setting. Despite not being a part of the Mills student body, P_____ was still able
to practice and compete with the team.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“How are you feeling?”<br />
<br />
“I am good coach, just trying to finish school and keep my grades up.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I heard that you left Mills.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yeah, I started at Middle College. I didn’t want to deal with
anymore of the bullshit here.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What do you mean?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I just…” he comtemplated his answer “I just wanted to get
away from here. I don’t want to deal with any more of the drama.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Well, maybe getting out of here will be good for you. You
still trying to play college ball?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He hesitated. “I mean yeah, that’s still the plan.”<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“We’ve got to work on your passing and defense. The teams in
the Bay Division are going to start doubling up on you and you’ve got to spread
the ball around.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I know coach.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The energy and exuberance he had shown as a freshman was
gone. He seemed to have aged 5 years in a summer. He was tired and grew deep
furrows on his brow, he seemed a different kid, a different player. It felt
like he was merely going through the motions in practice. We were able to win
our first three games, but I knew something else was lurking deeper at P____.
He often showed up late to practice, he sometimes didn’t show up at all. And
then one day I received a text from him:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Sorry coach, but I don’t think I’m going to do water polo
anymore. My hearts not in it. Thank you for everything.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I talked to his mom on the phone later that day after practice.
She seemed distraught and was also caught off guard with P____’s decision.
P_____’s parents were always very supportive of his athletic career. They
showed up to games, helped him find club teams, encouraged his natural talent.
She said that they had recently been having some family issues and that P____
was hanging out with the wrong crowd. I remember playing during my own high
school career and my parent’s had never shown up to a single practice or
competition. I told her not to worry and that I would talk to him and try to
figure out what why he was quitting. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I called him a few days later and picked him up at his
house. I asked him if he wanted to go for a ride, chat a bit. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What’s wrong man?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m just sick of water polo Coach.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Well what do you want to do with your future?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Probably just graduate high school and wait tables for a
few years. I hate living with my parents. I can’t stand being in the house with
them anymore. I just want to get out. I think high school is bullshit.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was a case of a kid wanting to grow up too fast. Truth
was, I knew exactly how he felt. I saw a lot of his anger and resentment in
myself at that age. I knew the road that he was headed down: filled with
self-medication, long lonely nights, broken relationships, wasted time. I spent
close to a decade of my own life heading down the wrong path, filling my life
with alcohol, drugs, and women to fill the void. Killing myself slowly because I
couldn’t deal with my own emotional trauma and depression. I could never admit
to myself or others the hurt I was feeling inside so I dulled the pain for a
very long time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Well what do you figure you’re going to do after that? Just
keep waiting tables? There has to be something else you want to do right? Don’t
you have a dream?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Well, I kind of want to be a film director one day.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You don’t think you’ll have to go to school for that?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yeah I suppose so.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You know you can go anywhere with water polo right?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I just don’t want to play ball anymore. I’m just not having
fun.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He fiddled with his hands.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Have I ever let you down P_____?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No coach. You’ve always been straight forward with me.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Well you’re letting me down now P____. And there’s a whole
team who’s got your back that you’re walking away from.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He didn’t answer, just looked straight ahead out of the
passenger seat.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“This is your ticket out of here P_____. You can do
anything, anywhere. Water polo will get you there. I know you love playing in
games. Forget your parents, forget the other kids at school. You can’t be
shortsighted about this, all you have to do is finish out the second half of
this season and next year and you’re out of here. I’ll help you get into a
school and I guarantee things will get better.” I knew that I was lying because
I couldn’t guarantee him anything.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He bit down on his lower lip and furrowed his brow.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Can you do that for me P_____, just play out this season.
You can move out of your parents and you don’t ever have to come back if you
don’t want to.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yeah I can do that” he answered hesitantly. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We drove around a bit longer and bullshitted about films and
directors we liked. I dropped him back home and he promised that he would be
back next week. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He came back to practice and I tried to ease him into the
grind. He only made it through another week and a game and he quit again. I
kept in contact with his parent’s and told them that I had tried as hard as
possible and that there was nothing else I could do to help their kid. I told
them that I would keep in contact with him and try to change his mind. I told
them that as much as either they or I wanted him to stay, there was nothing we
could do. I knew that he was getting into a bit of a drug habit and that they
should curb it as much as possible, but I knew personally that the only change
lay within P_____ himself.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The season continued that year and despite P_____’s absence
the team was still able to secure 3<sup>rd</sup> place in the Bay Division
giving them an automatic berth into the CCS Division playoffs, a first in
school history. After I told the team about the situation, they bit down hard
on their mouthpieces and strung together an incredible run in the post season.
Despite the loss of P_____ is solidified my own grit and belief in what I was
doing. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Most players, myself included, would’ve given anything to
have had P______’s circumstances. Most kids never have the chance to go any
further in their career than high school athletics. I knew that I had a shot at
saving P_____. That he didn’t need to head towards the direction I had, that he
had everything at his feet, that he was so close to becoming everything that he
wanted and needed to be. I blame myself quite a bit for how things went down.
Like a Greek tragedy, it’s always easy to look back and think that situations
and catastrophe could have been easily averted. Moments of misunderstanding or
miscommunication would have changed the course of the outcome. I’d like to
think that the whole situation didn’t bother me that much, but I lost quite a bit
of sleep over the whole ordeal.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want to believe that if another kid or situation were to
come up again I would be able to make a difference.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d like to think that someday P_____ will be
okay and realize his own mistakes and shortcomings. But I know that these
things take time and a lot of self-realization because I’m still working
through some of my own issues even to this day. I've learned that all the success and accolades in the world don't mean much when you've pushed all the people you love out of your life. I wish that I could’ve made a
difference, but realize that everyone has to make their own choices and
mistakes no matter how much help or guidance others give them. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I called P______ about a week ago and left him a message on
his voicemail.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“He P______, it’s Daniel. I hope you’re doing okay, give me
a call back when you get a chance.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He never returned my call.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-54349025362774766472015-10-26T15:30:00.001-07:002015-12-02T13:44:46.753-08:00Never say neverI started bar backing a few months ago. I asked a few friends in the industry and soon landed a gig at an upscale restaurant in the financial district downtown. I have always had a fascination with working in a bar. There was a certain romantic allure in my yet naive ideology. It was a place of fun, unfettered adoration from the customers. You were serving inhibition one glass at a time.On top of my coaching career and studio practice, I would be working two 8 hour shifts on the weekends, rendering my social life pretty much null. However, I went into the new challenge with vigor and positivity, as I was yet unhindered by the brutal truth of being at the very bottom of the pecking order of a service industry institution.<br />
<br />
I was thrown into the fire on my first shift alone.<br />
<br />
"Coops, Rocks, AP Reds, Bordeaux, Martinis and Mules. The most popular liquors are Four Roses, Ketel, Tangueray, Bulleit. You drink? Yeah? Well, that's good because the last guy who worked here didn't know anything about alcohol."<br />
<br />
The restaurant used to be a bank and was retrofitted into a 4 story restaurant and bar serving the elite of San Francisco: old money, new money, businessmen and tourists. The stairs are an intricate maze and it was quite difficult learning how to balance 15 glasses on a tray going up and down dodging food runners and servers.<br />
<br />
"We store all the sodas in a storage closet next to the employee locker room. The glasses at the Buck bar will have to be run downstairs periodically throughout the night so they do not pile up. Make sure that you never put your fingers in the glasses to carry them because every manager will give you shit."<br />
<br />
I gave every shift my all and broke a few glasses the first few weeks, but things got easier as I learned the routine. There were good and bad people to work with as in any job. I learned to cope with the ins and outs of the job, building, and industry. It was quite hard work, much harder than any manual labor job I've ever had including metal fabrication.<br />
<br />
"The wine and liquor cellar are located on the third floor, here are the keys. Make sure you check in with the bartenders so that all the popular spirits and wines are stocked. You don't want to wait til we get slammed. Typically you want to make runs and have several things listed so you aren't running up and down the stairs for only a bottle or two."<br />
<br />
After each shift I would grab a drink at the Irish bar next door before going home to crawl into bed with my girlfriend. "How was work?" she would always ask sheepishly from sleep. I would always say it was okay as she quietly drifted back into dreams. If I had known that just a few weeks after my birthday she would be leaving I would have held her a little bit longer and quit the job sooner. Time seems much more precious after it has already passed.<br />
<br />
"You want to make sure to stay on T_____'s good side. Make sure that you never put the Mules in the dish washer because he'll get on your case. Has anyone taught you had to make the syrups yet? No? Let's go do that and I'll also show you where we keep the kegs."<br />
<br />
As the weeks passed on and I kept working, I knew in my heart that this industry was just not for me. I was way overworked, never saw my friends, and held on only due to a sense of stubbornness of not wanting to be a quitter. For the most part, the customers weren't bad people. Most people coming into the restaurant were casually spending hundreds of dollars per meal just because they could. I was there to do a job and tried to fulfill my duty. In some instances, the mixture of money, alcohol and a deep sense of entitlement produced some truly horrible people.<br />
<br />
A middle aged white lady from Sacramento "You went to UC Davis and graduate school and now you're just a bar back?"<br />
<br />
An older white man with his young black date. "Take a look at my beautiful dark chocolate."<br />
<br />
Group of tourists "Those girls back at the pier were a bunch of cunts."<br />
<br />
Young girl with friends "I was so wasted I ended up having sex with him on the pool table."<br />
<br />
And so on and so forth. I heard snippets of these conversations over and over. Sometimes making me cringe, sometimes making me feel horrible. Once again, it wasn't like most people were like this. They had a drink or two with their meals, chatted, paid and went about their way. Maybe I'm just becoming a prude with age, but sometimes it took all I had to keep the smile on my face. It made me feel worthless and sad, as I kept running to the cellar, stocking the bar, and washing glasses.<br />
<br />
"How come you didn't come upstairs with the mop? You've got to do what I say. You know I'm the one who tips you out right?"
I started dreading going to work. No sense of duty could keep me there. I missed seeing my friends, I missed my weekends. My relationship fell apart and I didn't even have time to mourn. Last weekend was my last scheduled shift. I went in and they had double booked me and the other bar back. I told P____ that I was going to take off and that he could take my shift. I said goodbye to some of the other guys. C____ was just getting off his shift and asked me if I wanted to go out with some of his friends.<br />
<br />
I didn't really know him to well, but definitely didn't want to go back to my now empty room.
We go to the Irish bar next door to some shots, me Jameson, C____ fernet.
"You want to go to the Mission to meet up with some of my girlfriends? You'll meet H____ she's hot. Don't tell my girlfriend I said that though, you'll meet her later also."<br />
<br />
I drove us down to the Mission and went to Delirium. "Order us two beers" he says before going over to a man at the end of the bar. They shake hands and go to the bathroom together. He comes back in a few minutes and sits down to our beers. We drink them quickly and cross the street to Giordano's where C_____ knows all the bartenders and manager.<br />
<br />
e orders us some beers and introduces me to everyone. He is talkative and animated, he is open and engages with strangers.<br />
<br />
"Hey you like white girl?"<br />
<br />
"Well, I mean my ex girlfriend was white."<br />
<br />
"No, I mean this" he says palming a baggie to me.<br />
<br />
"Nah, not tonight I'm cool."<br />
<br />
"Ok, more for me" he says heading to the bathroom.<br />
<br />
We finish our beers and head out to Oysters and Rocks a few blocks down to meet his friend H____ and girlfriend N_____. They aren't there yet so we order some more beers. C____ goes to the bathroom. When the girls arrive he introduces me to everyone and furtively says, "I told you H_____ was hot right?" C_____ starts to drink hard and becomes louder and more boisterous. He goes out to answer a phone call at some point and the bartender tells me that he is cut off.<br />
<br />
"What are you doing tonight?" H_____ asks.<br />
<br />
"I've got no plans."<br />
<br />
"Well we are going to a birthday party later if you want to come."<br />
<br />
I give an ambivalent answer.<br />
<br />
My phone buzzes. It's a text from my S____.<br />
<br />
"You want to meet up?"<br />
<br />
I tell C____ and the girls I've got to go and that it was great to meet them.<br />
<br />
I drive across town, thinking about everything that's happened. I drive across town hoping that things could go back to normal. That my life was as it was like a few months ago. They say "never say never" but this past weekend was my last weekend working at a bar and it is something I will never do again.<br />
<br />
It's taught me how to be on the other side but in a entirely different way than I thought. There was no glamour, there was no excitement. Any plans to ever open a bar have been dashed. It's reinforced my want to succeed in the studio, to shake off doubts and fear. I think about C____ and see myself from years ago. Alcohol and self-medication a crutch, anger self- pity my emotional outlets. I think about time and change and what type of man I want to be. I think about how much time I've wasted and how much work I have yet to do. I know that life is long and short at the same time and that it's never too late to make a change for the better, even if you've got to give up part of your past.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-67362482363373214732015-09-09T11:25:00.002-07:002015-09-09T14:18:29.017-07:00Friends, Fire, and Fantasy Football<br />
<div class="p1">
There have been several instances in my life where I've almost burned the house down to the ground. The earliest time was when I got a hold of one my uncle's lighters from off the shelf. I was probably no older than 4 or 5. I took it when no one was watching and I sat down in the middle of the living room and held the flame up to my face and stared at it until it got too hot for my fingers to hold. I did it a couple of times and then decided to put the flame to the carpet. The fibers melted, twisted and singed black with smoke and it was entrancing. I grew bolder and bolder until, the flame finally caught and a little fire started to spread, the size of coin, the palm of my hand, a basketball. I watched quietly not understanding any of the consequences. My uncle came into the room and saw what I had done, stamped out the flame and slapped me on the back of my head. I got a pretty good beating, but not enough so that I didn't almost burn down the house on several other instances throughout my life. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I was over at my friend S____'s house the another night having a few drinks around the kitchen table. A____ was also over and we chatted about our lives, and jobs, and art. Bragging about small triumphs, but mostly denouncing other artists and the work they made. I had a draft for my fantasy football league going at the same time and overall, it was shaping up to be a pretty low key type of night. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"How's C____ doing?"</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"Oh, he just got a job at the Wattis doing preparator work."</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"That's good, I haven't seen him around in awhile."</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"I just landed a pretty sweet gig at the De Young, today was my last day at the art supply place."</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"Congratulations man! Better pay?"</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"Yeah double the wage."</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"Should I draft Watkins?"</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"What number pick?"</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"5th round."</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"Nah, he didn't produce well last year, go with Morris if he's still available."</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I mostly watched the screen, while the chatter went on, content to be in the midst of company and not alone at home on a Friday night. I had been fighting with my girlfriend for weeks and was in a horrible emotional place which had been affecting my studio time and work. I was feeling depressed and I knew that it only made things worse if I stayed at home alone.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
They lit a joint and passed it back and forth and offered it to me a few times even though they both knew I had stopped smoking a year ago. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"No thanks man. Just can't do it anymore." </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
All of S_____'s roommates were home and some of them had to work the next day so we went outside to the patio and decided to light a fire in a little pit they had. It was a little open pit container, the type you could pick up at a big chain hardware store. There was a pile of leaves right next to the pit and a large tree overhanging the pit. This could be a little dangerous I thought to myself, but not enough so to raise objections.</div>
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<br /></div>
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"You guy's want another drink?" asked A_____</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"Sure"</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"Make that three"</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
A______ went back to the kitchen to make the drinks and S_____ worked on the fire.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"You think I should draft Romo?"</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"Yeah if he's still around, if not I think you can wait another round because everyone else should mostly have the same production afterwards." </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The fog was rolling in that night and S_____ couldn't seem to get the fire going. He kept throwing bits of cardboard underneath the logs he propped up, but they would not catch. I stared mindlessly at the screen and didn't think to help or engage, merely content to be disengaged from my friends and the situation. He went and grabbed a can of lighter fluid from inside. </div>
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<br /></div>
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"This should get the fire going."</div>
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<br /></div>
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The next couple of moments went by horribly fast. I was only about a quarter way through my fantasy draft when I heard a commotion in S____'s direction. </div>
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<br /></div>
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"You okay man?" I asked nonchalantly </div>
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<br /></div>
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"Oh fuck, oh fuck."</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I looked up and S_____ 's right side of his body was on fire. He had dropped the can of half gallon lighter fluid and it had spilled partially onto him and the ground and flames leapt five feet in the air. The patio, a lawn chair, and the side of the house were immediately engulfed in flames.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"Holy shit."</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I ran to try to stomp the flames out, but the can had landed side down and produced a continuous stream of ignition. The flames leapt higher and higher and S____ kept slapping at his arm and pants to try to put himself out. When he finally put himself out he ran back into the house. I stayed outside and shoved the gas can out of the main fire in hopes that the goddamn thing wouldn't explode in my face. I slapped and stamped at the main bulk of the fire to no avail. The flames climbed higher onto the siding of the house. While all this mayhem was going on, the actual logs in the firepit remained unlit. S_____ came back out with pots filled with water and dumped them on the flames which were by now a quarter way up the side of the house and about a third of the small patio. The fire was directly separating me and the door back in the house. S____ ran back inside to refill the pots as A____ came outside. By this time all of S____'s had heard the commotion and were out of the deck or in the living watch their house being engulfed in flames.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
As A____ came out to the patio, S____ started dumping water directly out the living room window. There was a loud hiss and large ball of sparks. The fire had eaten through an electrical fire.</div>
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<br /></div>
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"Stop throwing water!" A_____ yelled, "There is a live wire outside."</div>
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<br /></div>
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The fire still separated me and the inside of the house. The ground was doused with water and I thought this is the end. I was going to die of electrocution before I had really done anything spectacular with my life. I jumped over the water and fire and ran inside.</div>
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<br /></div>
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"Should we call the fire deparment?" one of S____'s roommates asked.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"Yes, call 911 now."</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"You're on fire." S____ said pointing to my leg. I looked down and my left foot and pant leg were indeed on fire. I patted it out with my hand and tried again to stamp out the flames. I grabbed a cushion off the couch and raced back downstairs. What seemed like 30 minutes was in reality only about 5 minutes. We were able to subdue the fire eventually as the firemen arrived. I felt a deep sense of relief, anxiety, and adrenaline coursing through my body. The firemen came in and put out the remainder of the fire and live embers, they ripped out part of the siding to the wall. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"You guy's did a pretty decent job" one of the firemen off handedly remarked.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
As one of the firemen went over the report with J_____ I felt a mixture of relief and concern. I was glad that no one was hurt, but I knew that J____ would be in a bit of trouble and his roommates were already convening together probably in hopes of kicking him out of the house. It was the closest call I had ever had to burning the house down. At that moment I thought about my life, my girlfriend, family, and friends I loved, my mistakes and triumphs, and how little I had accomplished and how much more I wanted to do. Looking back, I realize how lucky we were to have escaped a tragedy. I realized that i had to redouble my efforts in my own life and how much for granted I had taken things like my health, girlfriend, and career. I had everything going for me and I didn't even realize it.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
J____ had a pretty sizeable burn on his left arm, but declined to go to the emergency room. J____, A_____, and I all went out for a cigarette at the front of the house. We walked passed his roommates as we went out the front door and they did not look happy.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"I am glad that everyone is okay."</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"Yes, that could have been worse."</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"You should call your landlord."</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"I'll have to do it tomorrow, it is too late now."</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"Maybe B_____ can help you repair the siding of your house."</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"Yes, that will have to be done as soon as possible."</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
We chatted for a bit longer and hugged goodbye. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"Take care of yourself J_____" </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
As I walked back to my car, despite everything else, all I could think about was horrible my fantasy team was going to be.</div>
<div class="p2">
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-7669721003672781172015-01-10T11:40:00.001-08:002015-01-10T11:40:40.370-08:002014Another year has come and gone and for me it was a pretty good one.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiutfcbdGnRnzDifT1euDlmai5yhCq8_swdPWJLGu8pWPDIS7kNjt0zGtHedhfGm8hFDTKZ-Mddo7pE5HyUqBHVd0Jl0J6vBVG7vdJkq2eAS9gWKCGntCrRQO6vrkKv7g6Sio7Fem-3JE5S/s1600/-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiutfcbdGnRnzDifT1euDlmai5yhCq8_swdPWJLGu8pWPDIS7kNjt0zGtHedhfGm8hFDTKZ-Mddo7pE5HyUqBHVd0Jl0J6vBVG7vdJkq2eAS9gWKCGntCrRQO6vrkKv7g6Sio7Fem-3JE5S/s1600/-3.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a>Last year was full of weddings. Lots of friends and family members got married and I'm right around the age when my parent's got married and had me as well. I was averaging about a wedding a month. Growing up I always thought that I would have been married at this time. I also made a promise to myself as a kid that I would have a million dollars in the bank by the time I was 30. I guess plans never go exactly the way you want them to.<br />
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I don't really like weddings much, it means talking to a lot of acquaintances and family members I don't really know and much less banter with. Most often, they just ask me why I haven't married yet and had kids. I just usually shrug my shoulders and smile. The one upside to going to so many weddings is that I had the privilege of escorting this beautiful lady.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-W-kRlfYdL5E/VLAZUpfAQcI/AAAAAAAAAnM/q8N8DyJMC6E/s1600/-4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-W-kRlfYdL5E/VLAZUpfAQcI/AAAAAAAAAnM/q8N8DyJMC6E/s1600/-4.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a>I've always had some trepidation about turning 30. I thought that I would have done something completely different with my life. But this year, I've realized that I've chosen the right path and that I'm surrounded by great, supportive friends, and a loving family.<br />
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I'm lucky to have people I can turn to whenever a problem big or small arises. I've also come to terms that I'll never be rich beyond my wildest dreams, but that I'll always be full of experiences that I would never have sitting behind the screen on a computer. I started pursuing art almost 7 years ago now and I can't complain about how things have turned out to this point.<br />
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I've always had some trepidation about turning 30, but now I know that it is merely a starting point for bigger things to come.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYIsEjFSp9DOMz-c0TnUWK_OMQCFJv4bYzDL-t2J-FY0ux4nHpboeKpe4gVZa1Dfwpes42P7-DCCm8iAYSjV5TFK5Z99XGL-QRnYHwP-bup0bgk2liJP-3uRn7on3_XYJoparhoqN01bc8/s1600/-5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYIsEjFSp9DOMz-c0TnUWK_OMQCFJv4bYzDL-t2J-FY0ux4nHpboeKpe4gVZa1Dfwpes42P7-DCCm8iAYSjV5TFK5Z99XGL-QRnYHwP-bup0bgk2liJP-3uRn7on3_XYJoparhoqN01bc8/s1600/-5.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a>I saved a life this year. There was a hummingbird trapped inside my studio during the morning and he couldn't find his way out of the building. Hummingbirds need to constantly feed in order to sustain the crazy amount of energy they spend zipping around everywhere. By midday he was on his last legs and fell out of the air and plopped onto a couch in the communal space. He was still breathing, but his eyes were closed and just plain tuckered out.<br />
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I went to the cafeteria, grabbed a few sugar packets and dissolved them in water. I held a coffee stirrer to his tongue and he was at least still conscious enough to lap up some of the sugar water. I kept it up for about 20 minutes and he seemed to be able to recompose himself. He stood up ruffled his wings, and carried off like nothing had happened.<br />
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<br />
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-z4zZk5brFfs/VLAZXIjaOmI/AAAAAAAAAng/qYaTfq0C9j0/s1600/-6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-z4zZk5brFfs/VLAZXIjaOmI/AAAAAAAAAng/qYaTfq0C9j0/s1600/-6.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a> This year has been terrific for my coaching career. I coached my first Junior Olympics for the 16 and under C team for Stanford this past summer. (Yeah, they were the bottom of the barrel group at Stanford) Although they did not make it into qualifiers, I gained a lot of new techniques, insight, and coaching knowledge from the experience. More importantly, I was able to translate that experience into wins for my Mills Vikings water polo team.<br />
<br />
After going 13-1 last season, tying for first place in the Ocean division, Mills was able to move up to the Bay division this season with the top dawgs in the Peninsula. We went 3-3 in regular season play, putting us in third place and a walk on spot for CCS playoffs. It was the first time in Mills history to make CCS, allowing the 2014 Varsity squad to make it into the Hall of Fame. It was an unbelievable season full of ups and downs and an experience that I'll treasure forever.<br />
<br />
I quit the Stanford club and am now the full time head coach of the Burlingame Aquatic Club Barracudas. It's been a long haul to go from a perfect losing season to being able to coach my own club team. Next goal: collegiate level.<br />
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My girlfriend and I travelled to Taiwan and Japan over winter break. It was terrific to get to see family and not think about water polo or art for a few weeks. As I get older, it's harder and harder to get free time. It's hard to see friends that I used to hang out with every weekend. If they have kids, it's pretty much awash.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc7c1hV_ghRm0vrUowO9r876-F51b84EmFtURmkQ_kPrjD8qw30gKvf_ZVQlbRUnHfNh9lynfIEEy_QL6sGeJKUF6OOjgnhJi1sRgmnuL3WkWHVuxUrfoz82Fnmo6lUiMwsSM0Chb-H7zt/s1600/-10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc7c1hV_ghRm0vrUowO9r876-F51b84EmFtURmkQ_kPrjD8qw30gKvf_ZVQlbRUnHfNh9lynfIEEy_QL6sGeJKUF6OOjgnhJi1sRgmnuL3WkWHVuxUrfoz82Fnmo6lUiMwsSM0Chb-H7zt/s1600/-10.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a>As a kid, I thought traveling back to Taiwan was such a drag. I didn't realize how lucky I was to be able to spend time in my native country. To be close to my family and culture. And how glad I am that my mom dragged me back all those summers.<br />
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I'm hoping to spend more time there as I get older and hopefully even move back for a few months to spend some more time with my parents.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht07m-mnJHkQaewh4zth_NEwJGvGPEk3VHbtVfEzLc54LvXCKDMu3lhddQtsajvTH04WsvzYhNCt192yy7AfA9GjFZS74m4ZdBwe9m8jx2DN8vpOxSEBaKtNnjGLyzT6jznMvMicVBkzpz/s1600/-12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht07m-mnJHkQaewh4zth_NEwJGvGPEk3VHbtVfEzLc54LvXCKDMu3lhddQtsajvTH04WsvzYhNCt192yy7AfA9GjFZS74m4ZdBwe9m8jx2DN8vpOxSEBaKtNnjGLyzT6jznMvMicVBkzpz/s1600/-12.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a>I've come to realize how lucky I am to have the parents I do, even though they can drive me entirely insane at times. I was a hell of a lot to deal with as a child and if I do ever have kids, I know that I'll have to deal with the karma.<br />
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I'm very excited and happy to announce that I have two shows coming up!<br />
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"A Rose Has Teeth in the Mouth of a Beast" is coming up Saturday, January 24th 6-11pm @ Heron arts.<br />
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Here's my show statement:<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;">"I grew up living two lives. I wanted to break stereotypes but ended up just fitting the mold. I had to be the nerd and the athlete. I had to speak better Mandarin and English than anyone else. My Asian friends said I was too whitewashed. My white friends said I was too Asian. I had to be a filial son. I had to be the cool kid. I had to constantly shuffle back and forth, always putting on my mask. I was constantly on the move, shuttling across the Pacific Ocean between two lives, all the people and places different and the same all at once.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;">My mom once told me, “You will know how valuable these experiences are when you are older.”</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;">Nothing was ever enough. I never took advice. I thought as a young man that I had everything figured out. I tried and tried to keep up the act, to be everything that everyone else wanted. I wanted to assimilate while holding true to my cultural roots. I wanted to badly to live up to everyone’s standards but my own. I’ve made enough mistakes to fill two lifetimes. And all that this gave me was an emptiness that I could not put my finger to. I was angry, and lonely, and unfulfilled but I did not know why.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;">My dad once told me, “You should get a girlfriend; you’re too wild when you’re single.” </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;">I’ve done all this running around and I’m right back to where I started. My story is the exact opposite of the damsel in distress. It’s me who needs to be saved."</span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;">Second up will be "Portraits of Strangers, Someones, & Nobodies" Friday, February 6th 5-2 @ 111 Minna Gallery.</span></span><br />
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It's quite an honor to have been chose for this group show and I hope that it translates into bigger and better opportunities in the future.<br />
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I hope to see your beautiful faces there.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-57469731449704782712014-09-23T19:49:00.000-07:002014-09-23T19:54:24.860-07:00Turning 30<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HbPUjcuDnjo/VCIvuddKBCI/AAAAAAAAAjk/kTOW__DKgBw/s1600/unclejohnson.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HbPUjcuDnjo/VCIvuddKBCI/AAAAAAAAAjk/kTOW__DKgBw/s1600/unclejohnson.jpeg" height="320" width="238" /></a>I started my summer off with a death. My Uncle John passed away this past June due to health complications after having gone through open heart surgery. I travelled back promptly to Taiwan to be with my family and tried to be strong even though inside I felt like a child again. It was hard to see my aunt and her family's grief and mostly I tried to be a man although it's hard to define what that really means. </div>
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My Uncle was one of the funniest and most charismatic people I have ever known and although he is gone I still carry along the lessons, conversations, and love that he imparted on me throughout my childhood and life. It made me think about my own father and time. How much time has passed and how very precious relationships and experiences are. How careless I've been as a young adult in my 20's and how bullheaded and arrogant my attitudes were with family and those who truly mean something. It was a rough way to start the summer, but it grounded me in a lot of ways. To realize what is truly important. To understand that time is always fleeting.</div>
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“People living alone get used to loneliness.” </div>
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<span class="s1">― <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/3190.F_Scott_Fitzgerald"><span class="s2">F. Scott Fitzgerald</span></a>, <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/8272"><span class="s2"><i>Tender Is the Night</i></span></a></span></div>
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I've always thought that I could make it own my own. Any problems or mishaps that occurred in my life could be taken care of by myself. I thought I didn't need anyone. I was a lone wolf, solitary, independent. But I was wrong. Over the last few years I had been self-medicating pretty hard and I never thought that things were out of control, but I was definitely not there. I was hiding behind a wall of drugs, alcohol, and denial. </div>
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I surrounded myself with people that weren't positive and who I thought were my friends. Really I was just stuck living the same lie I had been for the past decade. I did not really try my first year in grad school. I skated by, I deflected when I needed to, and I was never fully engaged. I had always thought that I could just coast by in life.</div>
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I went through an entire year of therapy. There certainly were times when sI felt like it was a complete waste of time. I set up meetings on Monday morning so it was literally what started my week. It certainly wasn't fun, but it allowed me to talk about things which I had kept hidden and buried for so long. And when it was all out in the open, things weren't really that bad. I knew that I had to make a change in my life, I had to cut out some friends, I had to cut out the drugs, and I had to engage.</div>
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This summer has been quite extraordinary for me. I feel like a new person. I feel alive. I feel good. Maybe a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am turning 30 in less than a week. Maybe a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am in a very healthy and stable relationship with a beautiful girl. Maybe a lot of it has to do with cutting out vices and negative influences in my life. I don't think that it is any one particular thing, but I do know that I have made a change, and certainly for the better.</div>
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Going to grad school has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. It has surrounded me with people who have not only also invested their lives in art, but are productive and encouraging of my work and my mental well-being. I know now that I am no longer a lone wolf in a landscape, but have friends, family, and a supportive girlfriend standing by my side. I know now that things are possible and that the dark times are over. Although there will be other hardships that arise as life progresses, I won't have to deal with them on my own.</div>
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I am done looking back at the past, I want to keep moving forward. I want and know that the path that I have chosen has been right. And even in the end, if I am not successful, I will have given it that shot and maybe that's the gift in itself.</div>
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I have a show coming up this Friday at Arc Gallery <span style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #222222; line-height: 16px;">(1246 Folsom Street, SF)</span><span style="color: #545454;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">. I will be there at 7pm if you want to stop by and say hello. Things are looking on the up and up and I could not be more excited for this next chapter in life.</span></span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-62863338518853508792014-03-07T11:24:00.002-08:002014-03-07T11:24:22.218-08:00Everyone's got problemsGoing to grad school involves going to classes and reading and writing about shit that you don't necessarily care about. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I'm pretty apathetic to it all besides the actual painting. "You've really got to make the most out of this experience," one of my advisers keeps telling me. "I can only try to help you so much. You can't just keep living in your own world, you've gotta expand and look at other artists." I completely agree.<br />
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We had open studios at cca a few weeks ago:<br />
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I try to not even talk much during critiques anymore. One of my teacher's said that I had to learn to not be as "flippant". Another said that "I have no taste, and that this graffiti, street, stuff is played out." But to each their own really.<br />
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Besides getting my ass handed to me at school, I've been able to supplementing my income over the last six months by buying and selling old crap and gambling. It's not that most prestigious way to make some cash, but it's nice to know that I can make some decent picks. The vintage stuff is mostly women's accessories, jackets, and jewelery. The gambling might just become a problem. I know that no one stays in the positive forever. And it's about control. And control is something I'm still trying to learn.<br />
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For one of my classes we have to attend two open public meetings. The first "meeting" I went to was $1 days at Golden Gate Fields(obviously, it was really for me more than anything), to which my teacher said that my second meeting had to be free. I choose to go to Gamblers Anonymous, although I think AA would have been appropriate. (All names have been changed.):<br />
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<i>It was 7pm on a Monday evening and I had been having whiskey sodas while watching basketball games I had placed several large wagers on. I met my bookie Alex through a mutual gambling friend. We met once a week at a nondescript burger joint in San Mateo to settle my account. Alex hasn't been his usual cheery, affable self since my month long hot streak.<br /><br /> I found the GA meeting through the website directory which located the closest meeting to my house. It was only one town over in a Presbyterian Church in Room #201. Having arrived at the Church, I walked into the main chapel which was being occupied by a Boy Scouts of America ceremony. It had been raining and my sneakers squelched every step I took. I asked a grown man in a Boy Scout uniform where 201 was and he pointed upstairs and to the left. <br /><br /> Room 201 turns out to be the Sunday School Children's room. I am greeted by Adam who is the person in charge of the GA meeting. Adam wears glasses and a polo tucked in, a large gold band on his wedding finger. He shakes my hand and asks me if it's my first meeting. He then gives me a handful of literature and pamphlets. He returns to setting up children's chairs in a semi circle around a table with John, who is the secretary for the meetings. John is in his 50s and bald, sporting a thick mustache. He is short, thin, and twitchy. He would later announce several times that it was his 17th year addiction free and that they would be having a get together on thursday replete with coffee and snacks. <br /><br /> Adam takes his place behind the table, giving him a more "official" role as meeting director. Eventually we are joined by two other men and three women. Adam then bangs his hand on the children's table like a gavel to call order to the meeting. I tried not to laugh audibly. Adam reminded us that GA meant that all members and their stories remain only within the room. The first half of the meeting consisted of going around in a circle and reading out sections in a yellow pamphlet. I felt like I was in grade school again. <br /><br /> I consciously made an effort to seem defeated, I didn't want them to think I didn't belong. We went round and round reading out of the yellow pamphlet. There was a question section where 7 out of 20 affirmative answers confirmed that you were a degenerate, compulsive gambler. I easily doubled the score. After the reading section we are told to break for five minutes, but not before a collection plate was passed around. "Our group meetings are self-sustained and funded" Adam reminded us while we all reached for our wallets. <br /><br /> The second portion of the meetings is the sharing section. Everyone gets to go around the circle and share any thoughts, stories, or just to talk in general. John talked on and on forever about nothing and then reminded everyone about his party. Adam admitted that if he were ever to gamble again he would bet everything he had. A man in his mid 30s had just went past 90 days. An older mexican women relapsed and promised it wouldn't happen again. A man with a family said that he had been sneaking out all hours of the night to get his fix on. And then it was my turn.<br /><br />"Hi my name is Daniel and I'm a compsulsive gambler." <br /><br />"Hi daniel" they returned.<br /><br />"I guess when you kind of grow up around gambling, you just don't really see anything wrong with it. It's just a way of life, something that's normal. And I guess it's not until you're a little bit older that you experience a lot of the perils. And sometimes those things get out of control. And things have been getting a little out of control recently. And I guess that's why I'm here."<br /><br />They all clapped for me while I lied through my teeth. Adam picked up a special keychain and passed it around the circle. It was my official token into the group. Adam slammed his hand on the table again to announce the end of the meeting. John stopped me on the way out and dribbled on about GA and the importance of coming to the second meeting. He reminded me again of his party. I shook his hand and tried to muster a smile. Adam thanked me for coming and said he hoped to see me soon. He reminded me that his number as well as other sponsors were readily available if I felt like relapsing.<br />The buzzer on my phone goes off. It's a text message from my bookie Alex.<br /><br />"You're down _____ this week, should we meet at the usual place?"</i><br />
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I suppose everyone's got problems.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766986704023282996.post-52812933489073599762013-10-31T16:35:00.000-07:002013-10-31T16:35:03.053-07:00bitch and moan<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">today, i got called "a fucking asshole" by a parent of an opposing team after the game. the coach came up to me and said that i displayed unsportmanlike conduct because we crushed their monkey asses 21-2. shit, it could have easily been 50-2.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">it took me 5 years to build this team which i inherited with 0-12 record. i've suffered terrible, crushing defeats. my team and i have been humiliated at g</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">ames. and i never said shit. i didn't complain about how well the other team played. i just got back on the fucking horse and stuck to it.<br /><br />this is the second time this season a team has complained about the score because their team sucks. and it's troubling to think that the natural reaction of some people is to whine and complain when taking an ass kicking. i coach to win. i know it's some trivial ass bullshit. a game played by high school kids. but life's going to dish out a lot more hurt than just some bad losses at a water polo game.<br /><br />so i'm sorry cap coach. maybe, it's time for you to think about building a better team or quitting your job.<br /><br />13-0.<br /><br />one more game for all the cookies.</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11279454429360351277noreply@blogger.com0