Loneliness in Frankfurt

My dad asked me to take a trip out to Germany a few years ago for a furniture convention with one of his top sales executives. I flew into Frankfurt a day early and stayed in a hostel just south of central station next to the Main River. It was about mid-March, the city gray, cold and bleak. I got in on a Saturday afternoon and most of the main restaurants and shops were closed. There was a strip club just down the block offering an “all you can drink” special for 35 Euro, but even that would have been a little too low for my standards. I wandered the streets alone before retiring to a beer garden in a little plaza.

I walked by a little tourist stand and picked out a postcard. I sat on a bench and pulled a pen out of my backpack.

Hey W____,

I’ve arrived here safely in Frankfurt. I’ll be here for another week or so and it is very cold and is not much what I expected. I wish you were here. I miss you dearly and hope that school and work are going well. I’ll call you when I’m back. I messed up and I think we should talk things over.

XOX

Daniel

I bought a stamp and put the postcard in a mailbox. I had just broken up with W____. We had dated for about 3 months. She was younger and we had met through one of my brother’s friends. I was in college at the time and she would drive up to Davis to see me on the weekends. She was young and pretty and came from good stock. We knew a lot of the same people, but we kept our relationship a secret because we didn’t want things stirring on the rumor mill due to her age. W_____ was sociable and friendly and was a part of a sorority, everything that I was not. I was in my early 20s and had just gotten out of a long term relationship which had taken up most of my college career and I wasn’t looking for another commitment.

We were sitting on the couch, sipping on beers on one of her weekend visits.

“I’m just not looking to date anyone seriously.”

“Yeah me either.”

“We can just feel things out you know?”

“No pressure.  I like you and like where things are going. I don’t want anything serious either.”

“Good, I’m glad you feel the same way.”

“I’m happy that we have met each other.”

She smiled at me “You’re not too horrible yourself.”

A few weeks passed and she came up on a three-day holiday. We texted and called each other daily, but it was merely pleasantries hidden in the form of flirtation and trivial conversation. I missed her, but not in a longing, painful sense of way. I knew that the relationship wouldn’t last long and I put very little effort into the whole ordeal thinking that she thought of me the same way. We went out to a friend’s party on Saturday with my friends who liked her because she liked to drink and was out-going.

“How do you know Daniel?” one of my friends asked.

“We have some mutual friends.”

“Have you guys been dating for awhile?”

“No we are just friends.” I interjected. I said it rather quickly, a beat too early like I was already expecting to say it. I looked over at W_____ as I said it and I could see her heart break. Her eyes watered a bit, but she held things together for the sake of everything but I knew that the damage had been done and that all our cards had been revealed. She went home later that weekend and I knew that I had to call her and put an end to things, even though it was something neither of us wanted. It would just be the right thing to do.

“Hey W______”

“Hey Daniel how was your day?”

“It was alright, the same old bullshit. Listen I wanted to to talk about something.”

“Okay…” she replied hesitantly.

I told her things weren’t working out and that we were in different places in our lives. I told her that she was too young and that it was just a fling and that it would be better for the both of us if things ended sooner than later. She remained mostly silently but agreed in the end. She had bought me a Birthday present and mailed it to my apartment. It sat sad and unopened on my desk as we hung up the phone.

I met a German couple while in the plaza beer garden and they offered to take me out to a local bar across the river. They were nice enough, but I was not very much in the mood for conversation, mostly looking to drink and not be entirely alone. After awhile, they excused themselves and said that they had to wake up early the next morning.

“Just one more drink, I’ll buy.”

“No we must really get going. It was nice meeting you” they said.

I walked alone back to the hostel a few miles away. I passed couples huddled close together enjoying each other’s company on the cold winter night. I made a resolve that once I got back to the States I would work things out with W_____. I told myself I had made a mistake and that she was good for me. I knew rationally though that this was just loneliness speaking and that the moment had already passed and that she had already slipped away. I didn’t feel much like being alone in a strange city so I stopped by a bar next to my hostel.

I saw W_____ a few years ago at a party with her fiancé. We talked for a little while after our breakup and would run into each other occasionally. I don’t think any of our friends knew that we were ever involved and I hoped that she had not told her fiancé anything either. As the party progressed and drinks were consumed I found myself in a quiet corner alone with W______.

“Your fiancé seems like a really great guy, I’m really happy for you.”

“Yes, he is the best.”

“I’m glad that we are cool and that we can still be friends.”

She looked at me quizzically as if I had just insulted her.

“You really hurt me Daniel.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I’m talking about.”

“We were young, I didn’t know what I wanted at the time.”

“I loved you so much. I tried my best and never did anything to upset you and just went with what you wanted.”

I looked over at the party hoping that no one was watching.

“I don’t think that this is the best time to have this conversation.”

“You were a fucking asshole. I did nothing to you and you broke me heart.”

“I know W_____. There’s nothing I can do to take that back. Please maybe we can have this talk another time.”

She had rehearsed this conversation for a long time and there was nothing that was going to stop her from this opportunity.

“You will never find love. You are a jerk and you will end up being alone.”

I didn’t know what to say so I just didn’t say anything.

“I’m sorry Daniel. You know I didn’t mean that, you just really hurt me and I loved you and it took me a long time to forget about everything.”

“I’m sorry too.”

She wiped at her eyes and left me in the corner.

I had to catch a 7am train to Hannover the next morning to meet the sales executive. I sat at the bar next to the hostel content to drink it away and just deal with it the next morning. I have not been single since I was 15 years old. There has always been a new woman there to replace the last. Even now, I don’t really know what its like to be single, much less completely content with who I am alone. My self worth and ego always seeking to fulfill itself with someone because who I am is never enough.

I watched the crowd and scanned the bar patrons, happy and jovial. Clinking glasses and engaged. I felt a little more alone than ever. After a break up friends tend to say things like “time heals all”, or “plenty of fish in the sea”, or “you just haven’t found the right person” or some other cliché like that. They are just things people say to make things better, but they are mostly just words. I watch as my friends have all settled down or married, bought houses, and are having kids and I wonder if I had made a mishap at some point. If any of the women was the one that got away.

I order another beer and catch eyes with a brunette across the bar. She smiles at me and I smile back.

At this point, I don’t think that another woman is the answer to anything. Like any other addiction, I have just always moved on to the next new thing, never dealing with my own underlying problems. Sometimes I think that maybe some men are just meant to be alone and that family, love, and ever after are things that don’t happen for some people.

The brunette comes over and we exchange pleasantries.

“Do you mind if I sit down?” she asks. I know that this will lead to nothing good, but at that moment it is better than what was happening before.

A Sordid Love Affair

I have always had a very addictive personality. I'll latch on to things and have a very hard time of letting them go whether they are physical or ideological. From my teenage years until now, I've dealt with a lot of issues with self-medication and addiction. It's been a rocky road and although there is still a long road ahead, the first step is always admitting that you have a problem.

                                                        .....................................................

I met her when I was 14 years old, after school at a friend’s house while his parents were out. I’ll have to admit that I was pretty scared at the time. I walked in and there she was, like something I had been missing my entire life. She made me feel languid and confidant filling the void. We talked and hung out, watched an episode of “The Simpsons”. My friend’s parents came home and kicked us out. I promised I would keep in touch and that’s how we started our sordid love affair.

She was always around during high school, we would see each other at parties on the weekends and we even went to prom together. My parent’s definitely didn’t approve of her. They thought I was too young and that she led me into the wrong crowds. But like any young boy in the throes, I was deeply entrenched and blind to any negative repercussions. She made me feel good and I thought I was in love. I thought she was something I needed because of the way she made me feel.

It was in college where things got hot and heavy. There were definitely fights like anything else, sometimes we would have a bad row and I would feel miserable in the morning and for the rest of the following day. But things would always cool down and then it would be back into the same old routine. My friends liked her too so there was almost always never getting away from it. Sometimes I felt like my life was becoming too intertwined with hers. She made up so much of my personality and my persona that sometimes I did not know who I was and where we began.  

After college ended, friends drifted off into their own relationships and jobs like people are destined to do. I was lost for a little while, but she was always there. At the time I was studying for LSATS while working at an office job and I was miserable and it wasn’t what I wanted. She was by my side, a voice from the past, lulling me into a false sense of security and comfort. She would always promise me that everything was going to alright, although I knew that it wouldn’t. I wasn’t happy with myself, so I lost myself in her. We would cut ourselves off from the rest of the world and I thought sometimes that was good enough.

It’s always hard to pinpoint exactly where a relationship goes awry. Long gone were the young, innocent days of discovery and inhibition. Nights out with friends and social gatherings were replaced with dive bars and forgotten saloons. When I would invite her along to have dinner with my parents they would give me a look saying “we were only expecting you.” She had started to become a crutch. I was desperate for her at times: in depression, celebration, loneliness, boredom, she had become a part of me.

I couldn’t go anywhere without her. She spoke for me in public. She was a shield between me and the world. I was seeing her so often I didn’t know if I could ever live without her. It was easy to let her take the lead and I it accepted without question.

“Can we meet up?”

“Yeah, you know I’m always here for you.”

“We have to talk.”

I meet her at my usual bar, staring at old faces, tired and worn. Filled with yearning, regret, mistakes, and broken promises. Broken men and broken dreams. These faces unable to move away from the past, filling themselves with fleeting content to escape the pain. I have always thought of myself as one of these men, hiding behind the mask that she was able to help me put on. A false sense of stoicism, of masculinity. As much as I wanted to step away, she was always there calling me back. And it was always so easy to go back.

I had lost myself in her and it was time for me to step away.

“I can’t see you anymore.”

She looked at me coyly and smiled like she didn’t believe me.

“I have to say good bye.”

“What about all our memories?”

“They weren’t real.”

“But you said that you would love me forever.”

“You and I both know that it is time for me to go.”

She looked at me long and hard and whispered “I’ll see you soon.” I walked out of the bar and away from everything I knew.

I miss her dearly sometimes. After a long day, I want to taste her on my lips and have her fill me with her warmth. Like any sordid love affair, saying good bye is always the hardest part. It is time for me to find myself, to find happiness without her. I can’t say that I won’t relapse. I’ll probably see her around and fall back into it as the past is sometimes hard to walk away from. I have forgotten what it is to experience, to be present. Who I’ve become does not match up who I want to be. Sometimes love doesn’t last forever and I'm beginning to learn that it's okay. It's just the way things are.

A Very Short Thunderstorm

A thunderstorm ignites right as the taxi pulls up to the curb.

Most of the ride is in silence, the rain pattering the hood and rooftop of the cab. A streak of lightning flares the sky.

BOOM

The taxi stops and my dad asks the cabbie if he can break a 1000NT note.

We step out into the rain shielding our heads and run for the awning.

BOOM

 I get my ticket at the counter as my parents watch. The rain comes down in droves outside.

I have been waiting for this moment for a long time.

BOOM

As we walk up to the security check in, I turn and ask my mom for a hug.

“I’m not used to hugging people.”

“Well I am” I reply.

I hold her for a moment and tell her I love her.

“I know” she says.

I turn to my dad and he holds out his hand. I hold out my arms.

“I’m too old to hug.”

“I’m not” I reply and I tell him I love him too.

The rain begins to subside outside

I turn to leave and wipe away my tears before I turn back.

I’ve waited 31 years to say those words.

It’s never too late for anything.