happy mother fuckin birthday

first off, i just want to thank everyone for the birthday wishes, it's great feeling super awesome for one day out of the year.

i've had a spectacularly good week. my water polo team is 5-0 and tied for first in our division. my advisor likes my new work and told me that it seemed like i liked expressing anger and that i should do it more often. (consequently, i've been taking his advice and have been giving quite a few middle fingers during traffic hours.) i sold a painting at a bar without a mother fucker haggling for price. the girl i'm talking to doesn't think i'm a piece of shit. i won three out of 4 bets on sunday. mother fuckers who owe me money be paying me back. my therapist hasn't recommended me to take any more drugs. my mom has been visiting and making the house not feel like a piece of shit frat house. zilla hasn't bitten anyone else.

overall. it's been quite a successful september and start to my graduate career. but waves don't ride out forever. i told my therapist that i still have a lot of hate and violence to dish out and she said that aggression wasn't a bad thing.

it's the first time really that people have told me to indulge in my rage. and it feels good. and thank you really for all the texts and calls and facebook messages. it means a lot to a lonely, angry, mother fucker. and i'm hoping one day i'll change. at least for my therapists sake.

Things aren't always so bad

I've been drinking a lot of wine recently, I think I've been doing so because I'm pretty tired of having whiskey shits. I've been pretty nervous about going back to school. For one entire year I got to do anything that I wanted. No schedule, no one to tell me when to wake up, being my own boss, and painting whatever the hell I wanted, although really I would do so anyhow. On one of these wine benders I got into a conversation with a friend about how I'm totally shitty at talking to people in social interactions.

"You're just bad at talking to people."

"What do you mean?"

"You just get really aggressive and most people don't know how to respond to that."

"I just cannot stand the notion of small talk."

"Yeah, but it's not even that. It seems like you're attacking all the time."

"I don't mean to do so, I guess I'm just to the point."

"Not everyone will talk to you the way you want to talk."

"I understand that."

"You've got to work with people."

"Well, I just don't really care for the most part about weather or sports of that type of shit. I've got time with writing. I get to bend the truth. I get to think through situations present and past and analyze. I get to trim the fat and get to the good stuff."

 "Articulate," he said, "You're articulate in your writing, but you just diarrhea out of your mouth in person."

I didn't disagree.

I'm horrible at social interactions. So unless we have the same vices or you're an artist, I'll be really bad about talking to you. I'm really trying to work on it, but I just don't really like meeting new people or being placed in new situations besides when i'm traveling or on the lam. I like my inner circle close and familiar, for the most part, sometimes I don't even trust myself so it's not saying much for other people. If I could, I would just buy a big piece of property and me and Zilla would never see anyone unless we wanted to.

I like being left alone to myself and my own vices. I know I have issues I'm trying to work through personally, and it's just the way things are. And people don't understand that. My family doesn't understand. My ex girlfriends didn't understand. I just like not talking to anyone for long periods of time. I just like time to reflect.

I've been talking to this girl over the summer, let's call her Carrie, and she's beautiful and young. I've never even really tried to talk to anyone who lived more than 20 minutes away from me and she lives down all the way in San Diego. The only way to keep in touch with Carrie is through the phone and it's been quite good until about earlier this week when she said she didn't think it was a good idea we keep it up because of the age difference, and the distance, and other such trivial problems.

"Maybe it's just better if we don't talk for a few days."

"If that's what you want."

"You know things will never work out."

"I never think such things, I'm just afraid of them."

"Maybe it's just better if we're friends."

Those dreaded words. I suppose before I would have reacted with a bit more resistance, but after all this time, I don't know if having a woman in my life is really the solution.

New chapters are exciting. And I'm feeling like I've got a good shot again.

 I repainted my room and did some decorating. Ian Francis is the man.

 I moved into my brand new studio at the CCA grad complex. Come by and say hello.

I moved out of my old studio.

Things aren't always so bad.