nonsense

i just came back from taiwan. and it was one of the very best times i've had with my family in a long time. it was fat boy eating, my momma buying me a new wardobe, playing golf with the pops, and just general debauchery in the after hours. i probably got about a million girl's numbers out there, but mostly for sport and some bit of an ego boost. my follow up game is horrible.

i've been putting in a lot of time at the studio lately. it's been great. it's fun again and comes easily, mistakes few and far between, the work, flowing. i feel good again, halfway like a productive, contributing member of society. i've really been itching to the spray again, but anxious because of how goddamn harsh the punishment in san francisco is.

last night i met with a curator and gallery owner downtown. the space was beautiful and they offered me a solo in may. we put nothing down in writing which always makes me super skeptical. they'll be doing a studio visit sometime in the future and i figure that i might as well just pump shit out anyways whether the show is green lit or not.

last week i saw an old acquaintance bartending at an event. she gave me the cold shoulder like i was a fucking mutant with mouth herpes and gonorrhea. i hate it when people don't like me. i suppose it might be because she gave me an otphj at a party once, but the past is the past. it made me feel bad that she honestly disliked me that much as a human being.

i've always wanted to drive across the country. i was planning on going with the dog, but i think that would really eliminate half the fun of going to dog-unfriendly establishments. i would also then have to find pet hotels and all that other shit and i don't feel like vacations should ever be planned out that way. i'm really hoping to do this sometime before i'm 30, i'm really waiting for the right time, or i should just quit being a pussy and just get in the car and go.

i just found out that i'm gonna be by myself for christmas and new year's this year. i suppose it would be nicer for my family to be around for the holidays, but sometimes being away from things makes them that much more precious. i've got so much shit to do with very limited hours. i'm happy now and that's all i know. and i hope that this lasts for awhile.

it was a dark and stormy night

today was a long day. as usual, i ran and shit the dog in the morning then made studio visits all day, checking other artists' new series and work. after that, i squeezed in a little time at my own studio. works been going good and i've bee

n enjoying what i'm doing again.

i got drunk last night and got a call from a friend saying that he was going to propose to his girlfriend tonight. being drunk and all compassionate i agreed to help out. after running around all day and putting in some work, i finished up around 5, enough to squeeze in a fast dinner before heading out to the palace of fine arts.

to be honest, after dinner i was really starting to regret having promised to show up to the proposal. it was dark, raining, and the wind had been picking up. to be honest, this whole ordeal just really wasn't my thing and i really wanted to just go home to the couch and the dog.

it was a dark and stormy night. my friend was running a bit late so we had to wait a lot longer than i expected outside, in the tempermental weather. he finally arrived with his girlfriend and everything was not going according to plan.

it was a bit of an awkward situation as i didn't even know his girlfriend or two other friends, but i put on a smile. the entire time, i was feeling all sorry for myself and wishing to get out of the cold. but then the moment came and my friend got on one knee.

it was weird. i felt a mixture of things: happiness, sadness, jealously, regret, longing. i was happy for my friend, so very proud of him for doing something he very much believed in. his life would longer just be about himself, he would have to share it with this person.

i figure that the only person i've really ever been in love with is myself. that i'm too selfish and egotistical to even share my life with anyone else. at that moment, i thought about how much i wanted that to change. how brave and wonderful and incredible love can be.

it was still cold and wet, but i was very glad that i got to see my friend propose. it made me feel good, it made me feel hopeful. that there are beautiful things in life that happen everyday, even if it's the shittiest weather in the world.

the short, happy life of arthur b. wang

arthur had grown up quite the mama's boy. she doted over him and dressed him in very fancy outfits as a young child and groomed him to be the poised, articulate gentleman he became. his middle name was bernard, but his mother had taken to calling him bernie, which she still does to this day. he was an only child, which meant that he was gorged with all the attention and benefits that parenting could buy. he played tennis and was quite good at it, having been given a scholarship to play for a college on the east coast. he was fairly tall, with straight black hair which he always brushed in with product. he had a thin face with deep furrows which often gave him a discerning look, as if in need of approval.

after college, arthur naturally went to work for his father who was in the automotive industry. the family owned a few dealerships throughout the state and it was an easy fit. arthur was good at what he did and through the powers of nepotism and good ol' american elbow grease, climbed the ranks within the company and was made VP before his thirties. life was good for arthur and his family.

arthur dated here and there throughout his young adulthood, but found no one who he ever felt compatible with. he liked being in relationships, because he dreaded being alone. it was better to have anyone by his side then to have no one. he hated most when they were very much impressed with his loft, or his cars, or any such material thing. as if things weren't hard enough, each girl that he had ever brought home was met with the dissatisfied scowl of his mother.

"bernie i really wish you would meet a nice girl."

"yeah, i know ma."

"what's wrong with my friend's daughter olivia? she's a sweet girl and she's quite successful at what she does."

"she's nice ma, but you can't force something like that."

"oh, but bernie i would so much like for you to meet a nice girl."

arthur always found a way to sabotage his relationships. he never held his ground, because there was no need to. they did nice things for him,  tried to get him in their clasps. but arthur would just fling them away like some trivial, outdated gadget. it was just this endless lull, years passed, women came and went, like pieces of art on rent.

i'm sure it's happened to everyone, seeing someone across the room and instantly connecting through a glance that lasts much longer than it seems. she was like a flash of light, in the company of two gentlemen, each seemingly more eager than the other to win her attention. she divvied herself equally, happy to be at the center or things. they were at a charity ball for something or other. unbeknownst to arthur, lana was a hussy. she had come into the family fortune upon the untimely death of her father when she was just a little girl. her family owned high end boutiques and retail stores which meant she always had a reputation to keep, at least superficially. she kissed boys often, but secretly; she saw men as mere possessions, easily interchangeable, like a new fall wardrobe.

it wasn't as if she didn't want to seek a mate, merely she had yet to find one which fit her lifestyle and standards. she danced with one boy while the other brought her a drink, then she danced with the other. she spun and frolicked in her evening gown all smiles, her hair done up in a casual ponytail, the diamonds and jewelry she wore, conquests from past relationships.

he walked up to her after a number had just ended and asked her name. they shared pleasantries. her two minions watched a few steps away, chatting quietly, with subdued discontent. lana was enthralled by arthur's boldness. arthur was enthralled by lana's smile which crinkled the corners of her eye. they talked about this and that, but mostly because they liked the newness of things. he invited her to a party the following weekend and gave her his card. she called on the following tuesday. lana a creature of very fleeting tastes.

lana had deemed it quite necessary that she wed soon and knew she wanted children before it was too late. she snagged arthur hard and he had not a chance. she got what she wanted, not because she asked for such things, but because she expected them. she had arthur in her palm like a domesticated lap dog.

"what do you think of this dress arthur?" she asked holding up a black cocktail dress to her shoulders.

"that looks terrific, it's a little short though." She answered with a scoff. 

"i think i'll take it," she replied decisively.

"what are we lana?"

"what do you mean?"

"we've been seeing each other awhile now, and i want things to be more official."

"i think things are going great arthur. why would we need to change anything."

"i just want to know that you are mine and nobody else's"

"so what, like change my Facebook status?" she said jokingly. he laughed nervously.

"i know what i want lana, and i want you. i want you to be in my future and someday i'm going to marry you."

lana had been proposed to before, but she was never taken aback. it felt like the right thing at the time so she just went with it.

within two years they were married. they moved into a big house on the coast and had two girls. their lives filled with nannies, parties, dinners out, and worldly travel. the first half decade came and went in a flash and life seemed to have no bounds. but after awhile, it grew to be tiresome and mundane to lana. arthur was a good husband and man, but lana missed the days of passion and fleeting fancies. arthur, on the other hand, was content and fulfilled. he loved the family life and his daughters. the work filled his days, but he lived for his home. he knew that lana was unhappy and afforded her many niceties to try to appease her hunger. but no jewelry or gifts could satiate lana's desires. 

"i can't do this with you anymore arthur."

"lana, please. we've been over this."

"i'm not happy and neither are you. it's been years, we don't belong together."

"what about the girls? what about our family? doesn't that play a part in any of this?"

"we can't keep playing this game arthur. i want out. the girls will be fine it's not like you won't be seeing them anymore."

arthur looked at lana and saw a stranger. before the girls reached kindergarten, the marriage had deteriorated. lana had been seeing other men for over a year now. they divorced on the grounds of irreconcilable differences. arthur knew this was the end of things, but he had tried to hold it together at least for the children.

lana was ruthless and went after everything. at this point, she resented arthur. she resented him for the listless act he would put on in front of guests and company. she resented him for taking up the remnants of her youth. but mostly, she resented him for turning into a puppet, this man who could no longer fend for himself.

and as quickly as things came, they were gone. lana broke arthur. she took the children, took half his pay, and went off away to texas with her new beau. and arthur was left with visitations rights and a sinking feeling that his life had just ended. lana turned the girls against their father making their bi-annual visitations awkward and forced.

arthur turned to the bottle. his work suffered and his parent's were worried. his father told him to take a leave of absence and his mom told him to travel a bit. he was lost and turned further inward. no amount of solace from friend or family could bring him out of his desolate situation. it stayed like this for what seemed in interminable amount of time for arthur. he eventually went back to work, but not with the same tenacity. he grew gaunt and depressed, blaming himself for the divorce, for the way things unfolded, searching for the answers to why his life had taken the turn for the worse.

i suppose that most men of character experience grievous tragedies as our protagonist has. some horrible event in which they think they will never recover. but the days pass, terribly unbearable at first, the memories, doubts, and hurt entrenched in every waking moment. but days turn into weeks, and those into months. that sinking pain turning into a dull annoyance. and as more and more time passes, the old memories fade, new ones are made, and life goes on as it always has. and so it did for arthur.

"how are you feeling these days bernie?"

"i'm good ma, just busy."

"your father's been telling me that you've been playing quite a bit of golf."

"yeah, been at it for a few months now."

"that's good bernie. have you talked to the girls?"

"yeah, last week, i'm trying to get them over for thanksgiving, but i don't know how likely it will happen."

there was a silence before his mother replied. "things will be okay bernie."

"i know ma, thanks."

arthur picked up golf after being sidelined on the tennis courts due to an existing rotator injury from his younger playing days. it was the hardest game he had ever picked up and he dedicated his spare time to his new hobby with reinvigorated determination. as arthur's former confidence grew back, so did the women. he started dating a girl regularly who he was quite fond of. he played golf every week with his pals and things started to fall back into place. his daughters were in high school now and their relationship, although still strained got better as the girls grew older. arthur forgave himself and lana, for there was no longer any place in his hurt for resentment and hate.

it was sunday and arthur was out on the course playing 18 holes with some friends. he laughed and joked, but the game was serious as it always is when there's some money on the line. it had been years since he had felt like this and he was happy. happy to be in the company of friends, happy for the new girl he had in his life, happy that everything was starting to turn around for him. he was stronger, more so than when he was a young man, for going through periods of pain can sometimes be the best thing in life. he didn't shoot to well on the front nine, but was still on par to shoot a personal best.

they were standing on the 13th hole, a par four, dog leg. as arthur set up for his drive, he heard from a distance a group of voices shouting "Fore!" and before arthur could even react he experienced a brilliant flash of white and then a nothingness.

after lana, arthur didn't believe that things would ever be right in his life again. he believed in his heart that lana and his family were his everything, which they were for a brief period in his short life. he never told anyone, but as things had gotten better, he knew that everything was exactly the way they were supposed to be.

as his friends stood over him and called desperately for help. arthur laid listless on the ground on the tee box of the 13th hole, eyes closed  with a strange smile. the ball had struck him exactly on his temple and caused him no pain. it was a one in a million shot, and thus was the short, happy life of arthur b. wang.

annual pilgrimage

ever since i was a very little boy, i have always travelled back to taiwan at least once a year. i can't say that i've always enjoyed the trips, especially during my adolescence, because i thought that my life, friends, girls, back in the states were very much more important. i had a conversation the other day with an acquaintance and expressed my feelings on being near my 30s and having for the first time "felt old". he said that he did not feel the same, but maybe that's because we've lived such very different lives. his accomplishments and achievements already reached at a very young age. i've always lived my life with the notion of invincibility. for a long time, i did whatever i wanted, with almost no thoughts of consequences or regrets. i believed that life was meant to be lived this way. looking back it was only the immature ideals of a boy, ducking responsibility and duty. i burned bridges, destroyed personal relationships, gave into impulses, broke promises, and cared only for my own whims and fancies. i went to go visit my dad's company today like i always do when i come back, some of the employees i've known since i was a little boy. one of the manager's, mr. hu, always asks me when i am moving back to take over the family business. before, i always kept it open ended, because there honestly was the possibility. i felt a strong filial duty to help my dad especially since he has gotten older to take care of the business that he has given most of his life to. this business that has helped him raise a family, put two kids through schooling, and to afford all the very nice things that most people would consider the spoils of success. today mr. hu asked me if i was gonna be coming back soon and it was the first time i said no. i could see the anxiety in his eyes, with the future of the company at stake. i felt bad saying it almost, guilty, as if i had let him down in some way. i always thought that i could take care of myself, that i didn't need anyone else, that i could manage. i was okay with being alone, just as long as no one intruded upon my personal space. i suppose that family is the only thing i have now that is the constant. the older i have gotten, the more i understand just how very little i know and have experienced. friends and girlfriends have come and gone, but my family is always there, even through the most tumultuous times. and in the very end, i am far from an island and that without them i would be a desolately wretched soul. i watch my grandparents hanging onto the very last remnants of life. barely a glimpse of their former selves. about the only thing i can connect with them now is by holding onto their hands and feeling them return the pressure. my grandmother still slightly recognizes me, but to what extent i don't know. it makes me very sad and i always end up tearing up in front of the nurses, which is a bit embarrassing, even now. i realize that i've made grave mistakes in my life and no amount of apologies can ever fix such things. i want to be at peace with things. to accept my very real faults and either cut that shit out or fix them. i am old. i realize that i've strayed a far ways from the dreams of my father. i don't ever bring it up to him, but i just don't want him to be disappointed. that whatever aspirations and dreams he has had can still be fulfilled. that things aren't too late, even for a sad sap like myself.