beautiful autumn day

so the other day i was hanging out during a break from class, enjoying the unusual sun that san francisco has been experiencing this fall. it was a nice day and i was doing well in class. i just felt like enjoying the weather. i saw my friend jen hanging out having a cigarette and she waved hi, so i went and sat by her on the bench. we had met over the summer in a landscape painting class.

i didn't really know her too well, so maybe friend is too strong a word, she's mostly just an acquaintance, someone i see from time to time. we talked art and painting for a bit, just social chatter to kill up time and take away the silent awkwardness. jen is thin and cute, always wearing real fly kicks, she has long black hair with a blond streak running through it. she puffs on cigarettes constantly, but in a classy way like those chicks from the 20s.

"how are you doing with everything else?" she asked.

you know how sometimes shit is going bad in your life and you just feel like spilling the beans to someone, and it usually ends up being someone you don't really know. and that's what kind of happened.

"shitty to be honest. i just found out my dog has cancer and i recently broke up with my girlfriend." she looked at me with concern, but didn't say anything. "it's just one of those things."

"why did you break up with your girlfriend?"

"things weren't working out, we were on two different pages. it's not like anything bad happened, we just grew apart. if anything, it's the only really good break up i've ever really had."

we talked a bit more about relationships and all that and then we got on about the subject about religion. she told me how she had found god after a traumatic experience she went through with her mom and all that. she was raised catholic, but was now christian, attending church several times a week, filled with salvation and good faith.

"have you ever been religious?" she asked

"yes, when i was a kid. my parents are both pretty religious still, but i kind of grew out of it during the early years of high school."

"what happened?"

"i dunno, i suppose me and god just weren't on the same page anymore either."

she started getting a little serious and told me that god always had a place for me, and how much he loved me, and how that he would always be there for me even if i didn't know it.

"to be honest, i don't think i'll ever get back into religion. i don't see how i can't just live my life without it. i mean, i can just be a good person can't i? as long as i don't fuck over other people and just live my life the way i want to, isn't it good enough? i know that everyone sins, but mostly i just do self-destructive shit, i don't harm anyone else."

"i understand."

"i always imagined i was going to die young anyways. what's the use of trying to think any differently now. i live my life with bouts of momentary happiness and that's good enough for me, at least for now. i don't care really about anything, because everything is temporary anyways, family, love, relationships, all of it."

i looked at her while i said this and i could see her well up a little bit.

"i know that you don't mean what you're saying. you're going to make me cry."

"i don't mean to. it's just the way i feel. i suppose that i'm still just a boy still clutching onto the remnants of my childhood."

we didn't say anything for a long time. just sat there, in the sun.

"at least i know one thing though, when my personal life is fucked, my work is at it's best. when when my personal life is good, my work is shit."

she smiled and nodded. i told her i had to get back to class and i gave her a hug and thanked her for listening to me bitch.

i stood up to go and said i would catch her later.

"hey daniel"

"yeah"

"is there anything that you want me to pray for you about?"

i thought about it before i answered.

"ask god to not let my dog die and that i'll have a good show in february.

she gave me a sad smile and i went back inside. i felt sad and empty like i hadn't felt in a long, long time.

the boy who could not love

still at the peak of his prime, young henry was the epitome of cool. he grew up splitting his time in manchester and new york, borne to a well-to-do family with loads and loads of old money. he grew up in the private schooling system, always doing well, played rugby and basketball, went to an ivy league and so on and so on. life was good for young Henry who also happened to be an only child, so he was lavished with all the attention in the world.

he was in the financial sector, not so much because he wanted to be, but because it was just something to do. he had appearances to up keep and zeroes to pad in his bank account. he never considered to do anything else, because he never had the urge to, his life had always been comfortable and he preferred to keep it that way. no ripples in the pond.

young henry was a good looking boy, hair immaculate, athletic, calculated, with just a touch of ennui. the young ladies were in love with him, hearts a fluttering, voices choked, and brows damp with anticipation every time he stepped into a room. henry knew his place in the world and he took advantage of it. his relationships he kept discreet, for he was not a boy to kiss and tell, but if the young ladies were looking for love, they would find that young henry had an empty heart.

henry merely saw girls as trophies, play things that tickled his fancy from time to time. he had read and learned about love through books and movies, but never himself experienced it. it was merely a word. something people made up through whimsical fancy. some elaborate and unidentifiable emotion which did not really exist. to him, it was just a matter of finding the next best thing, like buying a new wardrobe after the previous season's were out of date.

so this is the way young henry lived his life, flying across the globe, dining at fine places in nice clothes with beautiful women. and i suppose most people looking in would say that young henry had it made. he did not mean to break girl's hearts, but it came with the territory. he never let on that there could be something more. he lived the life of a young prince, without real worry or concern, protected everywhere.

then one day young henry met sue. they were at a party for a mutual friend's birthday and she was on the arm of some other boy. she smiled and made pleasantries and they shook hands and young henry was quite taken by her beauty and poise. he knew then and there that he would make her his.

henry was not used to chasing after women. it was something that he never really had to do, for they swooned over him and were always at his beck and call. sue was different, for she did not really care. she did not care that he was of old money. she did not care that he dressed well. she did not care that he went to the finest schools. she did not care that he had a bank account with many zeroes. but young henry was a charming and persuasive boy and soon they were going together regularly.

no matter how hard young henry tried though, he could not have sue in his grasp. with other women, he knew that he was in control, steering the course of action. he was collected in the pocket, cool, and poised. sue went about her own things, she did not lavish attention on henry. she did not bend to his will and this threw young henry off.

he knew that he wanted to possess her, but did not know how to go about it. he bought her fancy things, took her to nice places, and gave her anything she wanted, but sue would just smile and nod, seemingly unimpressed by such advances. young henry was at a loss. he tried and tried, yet he was getting no where and for a boy who had always gotten what he wanted, this was some monster all together different.

then just as quickly as they had met, sue was one day gone.

"we are just different people"

"what do you mean sue? how has that got to do with anything?"

"i feel differently about you then you with me. i'm thinking about the future. this just wouldn't work out."

"but sue, i have never felt like this for anyone. i don't want you to go"

"it's just the way things have to be, you must understand henry."

"but sue, i love you."

young henry could see the tears well up in sue's eyes, but he knew that she did not feel the same. she kissed him hard and it was the end of everything. sue turned away and walked out of henry's life, just like that.

young henry continued with his life as usual because there was nothing else that he could do. he thought about what he said to sue, and he wondered if it was true. because to him love was still just a word. some mere whimsical fancy those lavished when they were out of their minds. he convinced himself that it was just a mistake. a blip in his own consciousness, an act of desperation. for really, there was no such thing as love.