beautiful autumn day

so the other day i was hanging out during a break from class, enjoying the unusual sun that san francisco has been experiencing this fall. it was a nice day and i was doing well in class. i just felt like enjoying the weather. i saw my friend jen hanging out having a cigarette and she waved hi, so i went and sat by her on the bench. we had met over the summer in a landscape painting class.

i didn't really know her too well, so maybe friend is too strong a word, she's mostly just an acquaintance, someone i see from time to time. we talked art and painting for a bit, just social chatter to kill up time and take away the silent awkwardness. jen is thin and cute, always wearing real fly kicks, she has long black hair with a blond streak running through it. she puffs on cigarettes constantly, but in a classy way like those chicks from the 20s.

"how are you doing with everything else?" she asked.

you know how sometimes shit is going bad in your life and you just feel like spilling the beans to someone, and it usually ends up being someone you don't really know. and that's what kind of happened.

"shitty to be honest. i just found out my dog has cancer and i recently broke up with my girlfriend." she looked at me with concern, but didn't say anything. "it's just one of those things."

"why did you break up with your girlfriend?"

"things weren't working out, we were on two different pages. it's not like anything bad happened, we just grew apart. if anything, it's the only really good break up i've ever really had."

we talked a bit more about relationships and all that and then we got on about the subject about religion. she told me how she had found god after a traumatic experience she went through with her mom and all that. she was raised catholic, but was now christian, attending church several times a week, filled with salvation and good faith.

"have you ever been religious?" she asked

"yes, when i was a kid. my parents are both pretty religious still, but i kind of grew out of it during the early years of high school."

"what happened?"

"i dunno, i suppose me and god just weren't on the same page anymore either."

she started getting a little serious and told me that god always had a place for me, and how much he loved me, and how that he would always be there for me even if i didn't know it.

"to be honest, i don't think i'll ever get back into religion. i don't see how i can't just live my life without it. i mean, i can just be a good person can't i? as long as i don't fuck over other people and just live my life the way i want to, isn't it good enough? i know that everyone sins, but mostly i just do self-destructive shit, i don't harm anyone else."

"i understand."

"i always imagined i was going to die young anyways. what's the use of trying to think any differently now. i live my life with bouts of momentary happiness and that's good enough for me, at least for now. i don't care really about anything, because everything is temporary anyways, family, love, relationships, all of it."

i looked at her while i said this and i could see her well up a little bit.

"i know that you don't mean what you're saying. you're going to make me cry."

"i don't mean to. it's just the way i feel. i suppose that i'm still just a boy still clutching onto the remnants of my childhood."

we didn't say anything for a long time. just sat there, in the sun.

"at least i know one thing though, when my personal life is fucked, my work is at it's best. when when my personal life is good, my work is shit."

she smiled and nodded. i told her i had to get back to class and i gave her a hug and thanked her for listening to me bitch.

i stood up to go and said i would catch her later.

"hey daniel"

"yeah"

"is there anything that you want me to pray for you about?"

i thought about it before i answered.

"ask god to not let my dog die and that i'll have a good show in february.

she gave me a sad smile and i went back inside. i felt sad and empty like i hadn't felt in a long, long time.