mr. nice guy

I suppose that every boy goes through some traumatic heart break. Some gut-wrenchingly, awful, emotional distress and I have had first hand experience. As a kid, much like I do now, I thought about girls a lot, not like in a super perverty way, although sometimes it happens, but just superficial daydreams about their beauty and splendor. As a pretty chubby, nerdy, kid, I thought I would never get laid, I thought I would spend the rest of my life a stupid, loser virgin. Not much has changed except the virgin part. Even now, I'm not too good with words, I've never been much of a talker, or a looker, or a charmer so I don't know how I even came to be lucky enough to have snagged a few nice lasses. 

I've only been in love once. My college girlfriend who I started dating just months into freshmen year and tumultuously through the end of college until things bottomed out and we hated each other and had screaming matches and acted like children. I loved her with everything I had, it was a passionate love. Some of my most cherished memories have been sitting in quiet contemplation while we watched cherry blossoms in the fall, holding hands. The sweet smell of her hair. The way her face would light up when she saw me even if I had just seen her the day before. The way we would glance and grin at each other at a crowded party like we were sharing a private joke. Waking up in the morning and being with her. It was everything to me at the time.

It's been three years and I'm still reeling from lingering shockwaves. She had ripped my heart out, stomped on it and then spit down my throat. Sometimes she still haunts me and I see her face, or remember little quips or conversations and I feel a deep penetrating emptiness. Like maybe I won't ever find that again, but I suppose in a sense I was lucky enough to have at least experienced it once in my life despite all the ugliness towards the end. Even beautiful things sometimes get broken and can't really be fixed or found again. And all I'm left with are these stupid memories which I wish would just go away. 

I've dated a lot in the last few years since then. I've found the dating to be quite an odd ordeal. I feel like the older people get, the more walls and safeguards they put up while on the conventional date. I hate playing this "contrite" game, like chess where every move is calculated and pondered upon. Am I talking too much? Is their shit in my teeth? How do we take care of the bill? Am I going to get laid tonight? Should I just call it quits? Why is the mascara getting on gunky on her lashes? Maybe I should get hammered drunk to make this date more interesting? A million questions and thoughts run through my mind and it's all very much tiring. 

I love girls, but still find them very much perplexing. If I am reticent and calm and don't pay them very much attention they think I'm an asshole and some chicks really dig that and want to find out more. I still have some friends who purposely go out to clubs and bars to get laid and are generally women-haters and that gets very tiring in the end also.  For a few months I really wanted to start being a better person so I opened up more, stayed aloof and attentive, being your typical nice guy and honestly that shit just didn't really bode well with me. Maybe I'm just thinking way too much into it, maybe I won't ever get laid again, and maybe after a few more months I can be considered a born again virgin.

In the end, I just really want to be happy with where I am and I'm getting there. I love what I do, I love waking up and wanting to work hard and doing all that but there's still something missing. I've built up this hard exterior and I really think it's about time that I let drop it and get along with life. Everyone needs to grow up on at some point and it's about high time I did so, but I'm not promising that I still won't get that old itch and want to create chaos, kick and destroy, and wallow in my own dirt and filth, because being bad is sometimes fun, but so is having someone to share it with.