annual pilgrimage

ever since i was a very little boy, i have always travelled back to taiwan at least once a year. i can't say that i've always enjoyed the trips, especially during my adolescence, because i thought that my life, friends, girls, back in the states were very much more important. i had a conversation the other day with an acquaintance and expressed my feelings on being near my 30s and having for the first time "felt old". he said that he did not feel the same, but maybe that's because we've lived such very different lives. his accomplishments and achievements already reached at a very young age. i've always lived my life with the notion of invincibility. for a long time, i did whatever i wanted, with almost no thoughts of consequences or regrets. i believed that life was meant to be lived this way. looking back it was only the immature ideals of a boy, ducking responsibility and duty. i burned bridges, destroyed personal relationships, gave into impulses, broke promises, and cared only for my own whims and fancies. i went to go visit my dad's company today like i always do when i come back, some of the employees i've known since i was a little boy. one of the manager's, mr. hu, always asks me when i am moving back to take over the family business. before, i always kept it open ended, because there honestly was the possibility. i felt a strong filial duty to help my dad especially since he has gotten older to take care of the business that he has given most of his life to. this business that has helped him raise a family, put two kids through schooling, and to afford all the very nice things that most people would consider the spoils of success. today mr. hu asked me if i was gonna be coming back soon and it was the first time i said no. i could see the anxiety in his eyes, with the future of the company at stake. i felt bad saying it almost, guilty, as if i had let him down in some way. i always thought that i could take care of myself, that i didn't need anyone else, that i could manage. i was okay with being alone, just as long as no one intruded upon my personal space. i suppose that family is the only thing i have now that is the constant. the older i have gotten, the more i understand just how very little i know and have experienced. friends and girlfriends have come and gone, but my family is always there, even through the most tumultuous times. and in the very end, i am far from an island and that without them i would be a desolately wretched soul. i watch my grandparents hanging onto the very last remnants of life. barely a glimpse of their former selves. about the only thing i can connect with them now is by holding onto their hands and feeling them return the pressure. my grandmother still slightly recognizes me, but to what extent i don't know. it makes me very sad and i always end up tearing up in front of the nurses, which is a bit embarrassing, even now. i realize that i've made grave mistakes in my life and no amount of apologies can ever fix such things. i want to be at peace with things. to accept my very real faults and either cut that shit out or fix them. i am old. i realize that i've strayed a far ways from the dreams of my father. i don't ever bring it up to him, but i just don't want him to be disappointed. that whatever aspirations and dreams he has had can still be fulfilled. that things aren't too late, even for a sad sap like myself.