get up, get out, and do it again

i wouldn't say that i've had the best summer ever. it's tough getting older, trying to hold things together, being responsible. if i wasn't coaching water polo, i don't know how i would have made it over these last few months. it's weird to think that a group of kids could have so much impact on my life. i guess the only times i dislike the job is when i see the devastatingly defeated looks on the their faces after a loss. it crushes me.

i look at them and just see potential. potential to be whatever they want. to work them to the very extremes of their abilities, only to make them get up, get out, and do it agin. sometimes i wish there was someone in my life who would push me to go harder, to go faster, to not ever give up, every fucking day. telling me that it's going to suck today, but maybe tomorrow will suck a little less.

it might sound a little sadistic, but i make it a point of making one kid puke a week, at least for the first few weeks. i want them to learn limitations, to understand the point where your body just says no. i've seen dozens of bloody noses, black eyes, and one kid actually getting a tooth knocked out during a match. and i revel in it, it makes me feel young.  pride just doesn't fully encapsulate how i feel when a kid gets his nose busted and still has the heart to jump back in the water. there's not many people with that type of character.

i don't think i can do this forever, the pay isn't great and the hours are crap. the boys always ask if i'm coming back next year and i honestly don't know. i feel so very unsure of my life at this point. i want to move to new york, i want to get out of here, i want to travel for months on end, i want to run until my memories can't catch up with me. but i've got this big ass dog, i've got these bills to pay, i've got paintings to make, and i don't think that i'm just quite finished with what i need to complete here.

defeat is never easy to deal with. i can't stand to lose. it's never the wins i think about when reminiscing. it's always the defeats, those moments you wish you had made a better move, done something a little different, not made so many mistakes. but you only really learn about yourself through some crushing blows. it's only when you get a real nice fat gut check that you really start to make some major life decisions. i've seen so many kids quit. so many kids about to turn the corner, but instead turn tail after some hardships. there's nothing you can do, it's just not in some people's dna.

i would like to think that i have a strong resolve. that i am made of a character with substantial fortitude. but lately it's been tough. i've been letting my own doubts seep into my life, into my work. unsure of the next move, the next stroke. lost. really. but sometimes in life as in water polo, there's nothing but to get up, get out, and do it again.