Apology Letters

I've written several letters in the last two days, some by hand, most electronically, and some embarrassingly through social networking sites only because I didn't have their phone numbers or addresses. If you've read one of my earlier posts, I've stated that it's something that I've always wanted to do, but was incredibly hard for me to set about. They were all apology letters, to girls I've dated or had relationships within the last few years, save a few who were just kind of bitches, excuse my french.

I've been traveling for the last 3 weeks, sleeping in airplanes, airports, buses, couches, trains, hostels, benches and any other place I can lie my head and get a few moments respite. Fourteen hour flights ain't got shit on me, it's the god awful movies that I have a problem with. Whenever I am away from home, it gives me time to reflect on everything that has been going on, what moves I want to make next and how things have been going. One thing I've kept going back to is the way I've mistreated women in my past and for as many excuses I can give about that, the blame invariably falls upon my own shoulders. When I'm walking through the world alone in a place I've never been, I realize how utterly lonely I will become if I continue through life trudging through the mud. I've done and said things that make me want to throw up and kick myself in the face a million times and all the inner turmoil I've suffered through the last few months is probably still not enough retribution, but now I'm straddling the line of self-flagellation. 

So I just decided to do it, I spread it out over the course of a two nights writing fest. Mostly just doing a lot of apologizing, ranging from a paragraph to two pages depending on the amount of asshole I was. It's been an incredible relief and as far as life goes, I don't really want to head down that path ever again. I'm sure a lot of the letters will be received with a pinch of salt and others with complete disregard, but I haven't done anything with more conviction in awhile. It started out really with just one letter and after that was done o.c.d. reared his ugly head and said "bitch, you ain't done. there's at least six more you have to write." So, I did it, one after another, pages and pages of my sordid past getting pulled back to the surface. 

It's easy to be a dick, you just have to be an inconsiderate egomaniac. I find it a lot harder to be a good person and it's something I'm really trying to work at, but these things take time and i'll really have to see how things go.