think happy thoughts

I've been struggling with my work recently. Not so much a creative roadblock, but a lack in my own skills and talents, I wish I were born a savant. And there's no real good way to get past it except to keep pumping out more work even if I think it sucks and I'm just stuck in a room full of paintings which I think are worthless. Most people could really give less of a shit about what I do, but sometimes people ask me to see my work when it's half way done or to watch me in my process, but to me that's like asking a chef to taste a souffle that's not yet quite prepared. 

A lot of my dependency on happiness directly equates on personal successes and accomplishments, it's just the way I've been raised as a conservative, middle of the road, studious, asian boy. But sometimes it's good to break from the pack and live however you feel is right. My parents still yell at me and my brother for having tattoos and habitually offer to get them removed although with the rate its going I'll probably be fully covered by the time I'm 35. So right now I'm going to make a list of things which actually make me happy besides accolades.

- My parents: Although for the most part they think I'm crazy, (my mom has accused me of being a hippie) I love them and hope that I can eventually care for them in their old age as they did for me as a young, rebellious, hellion. 

- My brother: We've had a tumultuous past, but I am proud of where he is today and who he is becoming as a man. 

- My dog: I love this bitch. To all the assholes who stereotype pitbulls (including my douchebag mailman) into a massive lump of aggressive, bloodthirsty, dogs, you should really meet Emma. She will lick you to death and wag her tail all at the same moment.

- Traveling: There's nothing comparable to being on the road with only the pack on my back and not knowing a lick of the native tongue of another country. I could travel for the rest of my life.

- Drinking Buddies: I am a drinker, I can stomach an amount of alcohol which would crush the average man and I appreciate the fact that I have friends who can do the same. 

- Blowskees: I mean.... c'mon.

- Knocking someone out: I know you might think this one is hateful, but I've never punched anyone in the face who really didn't have it coming to him, including myself. Watching some asshole who has been asking for it crumple to the ground is a glorious thing.

- Getting knocked out: It's probably the most I've learned about myself as a person. Sometimes you've gotta get laid out on your ass (two or three times) to learn a lesson.

- Good conversations: They don't come very often and you can't really seek them out, but when they happen they are very much the best thing in the world.

- Espresso and a cigarette: Breakfast of champions.

- Barcelona, Paris, and Kaoshiong: If I couldn't live in California these are the places I would escape to.

- Toro, lobster, ribeye: Goddamn that shit is good.

That actually made me feel better. Good night.