Blurring the Lines

I try to be honest with the things I write and I try to not to step on any toes. Anonymity is a key factor especially when writing about real people who have their own views and opinions differing from my own. Recently I’ve had a slew of differing encounters with people regarding stories and posts I’ve put up. I share things which I cannot take back and I understand how a lot of things can be taken out of context especially when I am prone to elaboration and artistic license. I want the stories to be entertaining, but I also want to be truthful. I am sometimes worried about the history and subject matter which some people may find distasteful, but in the end the content is meant to get to things I myself don’t fully comprehend and am trying to figure out. 

It was going to be a particularly busy day. I had a tournament in the morning, a baby shower in the afternoon, and plans to meet some friends at an art show and drinks later on in the evening.

Talking to parents at a tournament usually means talking their kids up and ending with things they need to improve on. The worst parents are the ones who demand that their kids get more playing time, because their child is usually a terrible athlete. Those conversations are few and far between and mostly parents are quite positive. Talking to a parent that morning, P____ came into the conversation (“They Player that Never Was”).

“You know Mrs. G_____ was not too happy about your blog post about P_____”

“Yeah I could see how she would be upset about something like that.”

“It wasn’t too anonymous.”

“No, I suppose not” I answered, feeling a tinge of guilt. “That situation bothered me for a very long time. I tried very hard to get that kid back.”

She nodded but I could not tell if she agreed with me.

After the tournament I stopped by a baby shower for a college friend who was expecting his first child. I’ve been to a few of these co-ed baby showers/parties now, which strictly were only women just a few years back. I struck up a conversation with an acquaintance also single in his 30s. He asked about my drinking issues (“A Sordid Love Affair”.)

“You still drinking?”

“Yeah I mean I didn’t completely quit. I just quit drinking by myself, it started becoming a habit everyday after work.”

“So I heard you’re single now.”

“Yeah S______ and I broke up a few months ago.” I’ve found that there are two types of people, those who will automatically ask you about a breakup and those who wait for you to bring it up.

“Are you doing okay?”

“Yeah, I mean it is what it is. Just staying busy and focusing on my career.”

He looked away and the conversation was interrupted by the opening of baby gifts.

I went home around 4pm to take a nap. I woke up to a call from C_____, a college friend who had recently moved into the bay area. C_____ and I were very close and had traveled together and kept in touch throughout our careers. He had moved to the bay area to be with his girlfriend who also happened to be my first serious relationship in college. I felt a little awkward about the situation when he first brought it up a few years ago, but they seem to be doing well and I’m glad that he is happy and seems to be quite settled. I’ve never felt it was my say what happened with anything after I parted ways with someone.

“I want to pick up a painting from you but T_____ would never allow it in the house.”

“What do you mean? It’s just a painting, you can just put it up anywhere.”

“She hates you man.”

“I don’t understand why she hates me. It’s been over a decade since we’ve broken up. So you’re saying I wouldn’t be invited to your wedding?”

He laughed into the receiver. “No man, no fucking way. She thinks you cheated on her.”

“Why would she think that?”

“She reads those stories you put up. She thinks you cheated on her while you were in China.”

(“A Night Out in China”)

“I’m surprised she even reads anything I put out.” I didn’t know how I felt about it, but it wasn’t too positive.

We made plans to meet up in a few weeks.

I drove out downtown to meet friends at a big art opening. Afterwards we migrated to Geary Club, a small dive in the Tenderloin.

“How was Taiwan?” (“A Wide Expanse of Water”)

“It was good, hung out with my folks and family mostly.”

“Did you go out at all?”

“Yeah was in Taipei for a few days, but nothing too crazy.”

“Have you started dating yet?”

“I’ve tried some dating apps, but not super into it. I would much rather just meet someone in real life.”

“Well you know that N_____ and I met on match.com right?” They were going to be married in October.

“Yeah, but its just a little strange, I’ve been on online dates before but it’s not really for me.”

“You’ve got to just stick with it.”

We moved down to Novella on Mission for a friend’s birthday party. The place with packed to the brim and we had to wait a little while in line before getting in.

“You going to W_____ and C_____’s wedding?” (“Loneliness in Frankfurt”)

“No man, I am not invited.”

“What about that girl E_____ from last week. You guys seemed to hit it off.”

“I mean she’s really cute and successful, but I don’t really want to jump into anything right now.”

“You can’t get over anyone without getting under someone.”

I watched the crowd and the young people enjoying their night. I bumped into a friend I hadn’t seen in years and he asked if I was still bartending. (“Never say Never”)

“No, not anymore man. It wasn’t really for me.”

“I definitely follow your blog quite a bit. You’re a great writer.”

“Thank man, I appreciate that.”

“You really put everything out on the line and it’s refreshing jump from the rest of the things people usually post on Facebook and social media. I recently broke up with my girlfriend too.” (“A Long Ride Home”)

“I’m sure everyone goes through the things I go through. The dating scenes changed quite a bit though.”

“Yeah, we should hang out and go cruising sometime.”

We exchanged numbers and went about our way. I left Novela with my friends and went back to the Tenderloin to grab some food. I got a text from S______.

“Hey I just wanted to see how you were doing. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

I was tired and said goodbye to everyone and made the drive home.

I got a call from my mom on the way back.

“Hey mom, what’s up.”

“Nothing, just worried about you.”

“Why are you worried?”

“About you and S______ and your relationships. You seem to always just break up at the end and every relationship follows the same timeline and trend.”

“I’m doing okay, you shouldn’t be worried mom. Things like this happen and I’m busy and getting about my own things.”

“I just don’t understand why your relationships always end like that.”

“It’s like I mean them to. Sometimes people just don’t get along. I don’t think I would want to spend the rest of my life arguing about the same things with one person forever. There’s still a lot of things I want to do before I really settle down.”

“I know.”

“Don’t worry mom, there’s nothing to think about it.”

I wanted to reassure her the best I could and to have her just be at peace with what I was doing, but mom’s have a way about seeing their children as children forever. She worried from care and love and if I were younger I would have probably gotten annoyed with the whole conversation. I wanted to give her a hug and tell her I was managing well, but my voice probably belied my true feelings. (“A Very Short Thunderstorm”)

A Long Ride Home

They waited on the corner of Sacramento and Polk for their Uber. It was only a little bit past 12, but it had been a long night and all they wanted to do was get back home. She was in a floral print blouse and heels and the young man in a tshirt and jeans.

“Why did you get so drunk? It was really embarrassing showing up in front of my coworkers like that.”

“I’m not that drunk.”

“You told me that you were going to try to change.”

“I’m just not feeling like myself lately.”

“It doesn’t mean you have to drink so much.”

They waited in silence on the curb. The car arrived shortly and they got into the long ride home.

“What are we going to do about Thanksgiving?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are we going to stay here or are we going to my parent’s?"

“Whatever you want, it doesn’t really matter much to me.”

“Well, since we are going to be traveling for Christmas we should probably go to my parents for Thanksgiving” she said decidedly.

“What are we doing with our relationship?”

“We’re doing fine T_____, why bring something like that up exactly at this moment?”

“Because we never talk about it and you always brush it off, exactly like you’re doing right now.”

“It’s just going to lead into another fight and that’s really the last thing I want to do right now. I don’t understand why you can’t just let things be."

“You don’t even want to get married, how am I supposed to be with someone who doesn’t want to marry me?”

“Then maybe we should just break up and go about our own ways.”

“Why do you always have to take it to that point?”

“Maybe we’re just different people and it’s just not working out.”

“Why can’t we just go to couple’s therapy and try to talk things out and work on these issues instead of just having you just throw everything away.”

“I’m not throwing anything away. I’m just sick of repeating the same arguments. We’re different people and it seems that we’re just going in opposite directions. What’s the point of trying to force things if we aren’t working? We should end things now before it gets even more complicated.”

She started to sniffle. “I should have listened to my parent’s and never moved in with you.”

“It was never my idea to begin with.”

“I should have stayed on the East Coast. I moved all the way out here for you and now you’re just throwing everything away. You don’t even care.”

“T______ you know that I care. We just can’t do this to each other anymore.”

“I should have never moved out here.”

“Well you can’t just go about getting everything you want in life.”

“You’re an asshole.”

He looked up at the Uber driver embarrassed but the driver was staring straight ahead into the dark road. They continued there long journey home in silence, with nothing resolved.

Loneliness in Frankfurt

My dad asked me to take a trip out to Germany a few years ago for a furniture convention with one of his top sales executives. I flew into Frankfurt a day early and stayed in a hostel just south of central station next to the Main River. It was about mid-March, the city gray, cold and bleak. I got in on a Saturday afternoon and most of the main restaurants and shops were closed. There was a strip club just down the block offering an “all you can drink” special for 35 Euro, but even that would have been a little too low for my standards. I wandered the streets alone before retiring to a beer garden in a little plaza.

I walked by a little tourist stand and picked out a postcard. I sat on a bench and pulled a pen out of my backpack.

Hey W____,

I’ve arrived here safely in Frankfurt. I’ll be here for another week or so and it is very cold and is not much what I expected. I wish you were here. I miss you dearly and hope that school and work are going well. I’ll call you when I’m back. I messed up and I think we should talk things over.

XOX

Daniel

I bought a stamp and put the postcard in a mailbox. I had just broken up with W____. We had dated for about 3 months. She was younger and we had met through one of my brother’s friends. I was in college at the time and she would drive up to Davis to see me on the weekends. She was young and pretty and came from good stock. We knew a lot of the same people, but we kept our relationship a secret because we didn’t want things stirring on the rumor mill due to her age. W_____ was sociable and friendly and was a part of a sorority, everything that I was not. I was in my early 20s and had just gotten out of a long term relationship which had taken up most of my college career and I wasn’t looking for another commitment.

We were sitting on the couch, sipping on beers on one of her weekend visits.

“I’m just not looking to date anyone seriously.”

“Yeah me either.”

“We can just feel things out you know?”

“No pressure.  I like you and like where things are going. I don’t want anything serious either.”

“Good, I’m glad you feel the same way.”

“I’m happy that we have met each other.”

She smiled at me “You’re not too horrible yourself.”

A few weeks passed and she came up on a three-day holiday. We texted and called each other daily, but it was merely pleasantries hidden in the form of flirtation and trivial conversation. I missed her, but not in a longing, painful sense of way. I knew that the relationship wouldn’t last long and I put very little effort into the whole ordeal thinking that she thought of me the same way. We went out to a friend’s party on Saturday with my friends who liked her because she liked to drink and was out-going.

“How do you know Daniel?” one of my friends asked.

“We have some mutual friends.”

“Have you guys been dating for awhile?”

“No we are just friends.” I interjected. I said it rather quickly, a beat too early like I was already expecting to say it. I looked over at W_____ as I said it and I could see her heart break. Her eyes watered a bit, but she held things together for the sake of everything but I knew that the damage had been done and that all our cards had been revealed. She went home later that weekend and I knew that I had to call her and put an end to things, even though it was something neither of us wanted. It would just be the right thing to do.

“Hey W______”

“Hey Daniel how was your day?”

“It was alright, the same old bullshit. Listen I wanted to to talk about something.”

“Okay…” she replied hesitantly.

I told her things weren’t working out and that we were in different places in our lives. I told her that she was too young and that it was just a fling and that it would be better for the both of us if things ended sooner than later. She remained mostly silently but agreed in the end. She had bought me a Birthday present and mailed it to my apartment. It sat sad and unopened on my desk as we hung up the phone.

I met a German couple while in the plaza beer garden and they offered to take me out to a local bar across the river. They were nice enough, but I was not very much in the mood for conversation, mostly looking to drink and not be entirely alone. After awhile, they excused themselves and said that they had to wake up early the next morning.

“Just one more drink, I’ll buy.”

“No we must really get going. It was nice meeting you” they said.

I walked alone back to the hostel a few miles away. I passed couples huddled close together enjoying each other’s company on the cold winter night. I made a resolve that once I got back to the States I would work things out with W_____. I told myself I had made a mistake and that she was good for me. I knew rationally though that this was just loneliness speaking and that the moment had already passed and that she had already slipped away. I didn’t feel much like being alone in a strange city so I stopped by a bar next to my hostel.

I saw W_____ a few years ago at a party with her fiancé. We talked for a little while after our breakup and would run into each other occasionally. I don’t think any of our friends knew that we were ever involved and I hoped that she had not told her fiancé anything either. As the party progressed and drinks were consumed I found myself in a quiet corner alone with W______.

“Your fiancé seems like a really great guy, I’m really happy for you.”

“Yes, he is the best.”

“I’m glad that we are cool and that we can still be friends.”

She looked at me quizzically as if I had just insulted her.

“You really hurt me Daniel.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I’m talking about.”

“We were young, I didn’t know what I wanted at the time.”

“I loved you so much. I tried my best and never did anything to upset you and just went with what you wanted.”

I looked over at the party hoping that no one was watching.

“I don’t think that this is the best time to have this conversation.”

“You were a fucking asshole. I did nothing to you and you broke me heart.”

“I know W_____. There’s nothing I can do to take that back. Please maybe we can have this talk another time.”

She had rehearsed this conversation for a long time and there was nothing that was going to stop her from this opportunity.

“You will never find love. You are a jerk and you will end up being alone.”

I didn’t know what to say so I just didn’t say anything.

“I’m sorry Daniel. You know I didn’t mean that, you just really hurt me and I loved you and it took me a long time to forget about everything.”

“I’m sorry too.”

She wiped at her eyes and left me in the corner.

I had to catch a 7am train to Hannover the next morning to meet the sales executive. I sat at the bar next to the hostel content to drink it away and just deal with it the next morning. I have not been single since I was 15 years old. There has always been a new woman there to replace the last. Even now, I don’t really know what its like to be single, much less completely content with who I am alone. My self worth and ego always seeking to fulfill itself with someone because who I am is never enough.

I watched the crowd and scanned the bar patrons, happy and jovial. Clinking glasses and engaged. I felt a little more alone than ever. After a break up friends tend to say things like “time heals all”, or “plenty of fish in the sea”, or “you just haven’t found the right person” or some other cliché like that. They are just things people say to make things better, but they are mostly just words. I watch as my friends have all settled down or married, bought houses, and are having kids and I wonder if I had made a mishap at some point. If any of the women was the one that got away.

I order another beer and catch eyes with a brunette across the bar. She smiles at me and I smile back.

At this point, I don’t think that another woman is the answer to anything. Like any other addiction, I have just always moved on to the next new thing, never dealing with my own underlying problems. Sometimes I think that maybe some men are just meant to be alone and that family, love, and ever after are things that don’t happen for some people.

The brunette comes over and we exchange pleasantries.

“Do you mind if I sit down?” she asks. I know that this will lead to nothing good, but at that moment it is better than what was happening before.