Somewhere Along the Coast

I’ve felt like I have been stuck in San Francisco for a long time. I’ve always entertained the idea of moving away, but relationships, school, and work have always put an end to those thoughts. I made the excuse that if I couldn’t make my career happen in San Francisco, I didn’t want to run off to another city to have to start over. When I told a friend why I was moving she said that it sounded like the plot to “Eat, Pray, Love” whatever that’s supposed to mean.

I pack my car for the two-month journey and head down on a beautiful, clear day. I take Highway 1 and take my time. The roads are open and I really let loose around Monterey only to be pulled over for going 91mph in a 55 zone. The officer cuts me a break and puts me down for 75.

“Are you an artist or something?” He asks gesturing to the paintings in the backseat.

“Yeah, just doing a little stint in LA.”

“Good luck.”

I spend the first few nights in LA on a friend’s couch before I move to my place downtown. The apartment I sublet is above a tire shop on Central Ave and 7^th. I share a live/work studio with my roommate D____ who works at the library of a prestigious art school. The studio is 2 blocks away from the heart of Skid Row and there’s quite a bit of runoff. I wake up to drug and alcohol induced screaming matches outside my window routinely. It takes awhile, but the traffic and late night debauchery soon just become a soft background noise.  I am looking for change, but not quite sure where to find it.

Downtown LA and Struggles the Cat

I wake up to coffee and cigarettes on most days. The apartment has a large patio and I meet my neighbor P____ and the property cat, Struggles. He’s an actor and Uber driver which I soon learn is a pretty common occupation around here. Struggles is a white cat with black spots and meows loudly at my feet every time he wants to be pet. P_____’s got on black jeans and boots, a jean jacket with no t-shirt. Struggles is covered in a thick layer of dust. P_____ is still up from the night before and I’m sure Struggles has been` too.

“I’m still tripping on acid.” P_____ says wide-eyed and grinning, “I mean it’s pretty good stuff.”

He is manic and gesticulates wildly, he gives me a monologue from a class he participated in the night before. I listen patiently and have another cigarette and sip my coffee.

“This is the last bender for a month. I’ve really been going at it pretty hard” he says more to himself than to me.

Studio Downtown LA

I paint all day and go out nightly. The tire shop downstairs starts going around 8am and blasts the Top 100 hip hop radio station, but it feels more like 10 songs on repeat. I live on bread, lunch meat, bags of spinach and canned soup and binge watch the entirety of The Office in a few weeks.  I start and set a deadline for the dot paintings. There are set parameters, guidelines and rules which forces me to focus on the technique and color choice. Painting cut down to the very basics. I need to simplify things in my practice and in my life.

My friend R_____ comes over one night and we split a fifth and a few beers. He’s a real slick guy and with lots of energy. He tells me that him and his girlfriend are in an open relationship. We go out Echo park and end up at a club having a salsa night. We spend the night chasing women and I end up with a date with a girl named D_____ the following day.

D_____ picks me up from a show in the Arts District and I can tell she is nervous. During the date I get a call from my brother saying that our Grandfather has passed away. I tell D_____ and she is understanding about the whole ordeal. I never see her again. I drive back to SF a few days after because my passport is at home and I fly out to Taiwan. It is a depressing trip and I manage to get in a bar fight a few days after the funeral for good measure. It’s something I’ve tried to stay away from but I guess that some demons are harder to get rid of than others.

I fly back into LAX and spend two more weeks downtown. I have a black eye for a few days, but only a college friend ever really notices it or at least brings it up in conversation.

“Dude, did you get punched in the face?”

“Yeah.”

“I mean how does the other guy look?”

“Worse than me.”

“Daniel, aren’t you a little old for bar fights?”

“Apparently not.”

Redondo Studio Cat

After a month downtown, I move out to a little place in Redondo. It’s quite a drive away from most of my friends and that’s what I really wanted anyways. I’ve rented a private room in a little house about a mile from the beach with a couple and their 3 year old son.  I’ve never lived near a beach before but am willing to give it a try. The town is small and the beaches are pristine and clean. Most days I wake up and paint until the sun is high overhead and make my way to the water.

During the weekdays the beaches are almost completely empty. Vast stretches of sunbleached sand and clear blue sea. No tourists, no kids, just me and the ocean for miles. There are no clouds and it is a pleasant 75. I listen to the waves crash rhythmically like a lazy metronome. I think about going back to coaching, I think about the little things I worry about from day to day. About money, about work, about family, about not getting where I want to be. And in the moment it all seems very silly, these worries. Crash. I sit and close my eyes and take the sea in. Crash. I dig my feet into the sand and feel at peace with things. Crash. The moment is perfect and I wish that it would last for a little bit longer, this feeling.

Redondo Studio

Each day I go through this routine and I am happier than I have been for a long time. A girl I’m seeing, S____, spends a couple of nights at my place. She’s wearing one of my T shirts and sitting on the bed when she asks, “Will you miss me when I’m gone?”

“I’m not sure, it’s not something I’ve thought about.”

It doesn’t seem to be the right answer. We leave the conversation at that and she seems to forget about it in the morning. I tell her I’ll call, but that I’ll be on the road for the next few weeks.

The night before I leave Redondo I make a little sketch for M_____, my host and her family. We smoke some pot together and chat about what I’m doing and where I’m going next. She’s wearing a low cut one piece bathing suit and a negligée. The suns been down for hours.

Somewhere Along the Coast

“I’m going to drive down to San Diego to see a college friend.”

“And after that?”

“Probably just couch surfing for a bit. Silverlake or back to the Artists District. I’m not sure yet.”

“What a life you live.”

“It’s only for a few more weeks. It's not like my entire life is rainbows and flowers.”

“It sounds like your life is a party. I still like to party you know, but A____(her husband) is over it. Maybe when you come back from San Diego we can go out.”

“Yeah that might be a possibility, I’ve really enjoyed Redondo.”

“You know if A______ came out right now and I was sitting in your lap he wouldn’t care.”

I excuse myself as courteously as possibly and go back to my room.

I have lunch with a few friends in Santa Monica the next day before I head down to San Diego. The traffic isn’t bad but my A/C decides to die halfway there. I spend the next few days playing with his two kids and seeing a glimpse of the insanity of being a parent. I learn that kids are easy to trick and that chips and candy can solve most problems. I eat pizza three meals in a row and don’t regret it until my stomach explodes. Sometimes I am a little envious of my friends who have a family life, but the grass is always greener.

San Diego Studio

I drive back to the Artists District after San Diego and crash at a friend’s condo. I feel listless and antsy. I have one more week to go before I’m supposed to go back North. I stay a few more days in the Artist District and decide to cut the trip short and drive back home on a Tuesday morning. I call S____ and tell her that I won’t be able to see her again.

“I thought you were going to stay for another week?”

“Yeah, just don’t think I can couch surf anymore.”

“You can come stay over my place” she offers, “You could stay as long as you like.”

“I’ve got to go back, I’ve already set up some meetings and…”

“When are you coming back?”

“Maybe sometime next year after I finish my coaching stints.”

There’s a pause as she’s trying to figure things out.

“I just didn’t want this to happen.”

“What to happen?”

“This. I mean you’re just going to take off and it’s like it all meant nothing.”

“We both knew this was going to happen. I’m only a flight away.”

“I just thought that ... nothings never mind. I hope you have a nice drive back.”

This time I take the 5 through the valley and make the trip in 5 hours. The two months passed by in a blip and I return to the same house and the same studio and the same life. Nothing has changed. The routine remains, the past intact, because wherever you go, your troubles will follow you.

Back Home Studio

I’m hoping I’ve moved past some of my fears. I’m hoping that I’ve taken a few lessons away from this. If anything, at least I’ll always have the few weeks of bliss on the beach. The waves and the memories of a moments tranquility. Life is long and full of ups and downs, and nothing lasts forever.  When I am in need of it, peace will always be there along the coast of California.

 

Blurring the Lines

I try to be honest with the things I write and I try to not to step on any toes. Anonymity is a key factor especially when writing about real people who have their own views and opinions differing from my own. Recently I’ve had a slew of differing encounters with people regarding stories and posts I’ve put up. I share things which I cannot take back and I understand how a lot of things can be taken out of context especially when I am prone to elaboration and artistic license. I want the stories to be entertaining, but I also want to be truthful. I am sometimes worried about the history and subject matter which some people may find distasteful, but in the end the content is meant to get to things I myself don’t fully comprehend and am trying to figure out. 

It was going to be a particularly busy day. I had a tournament in the morning, a baby shower in the afternoon, and plans to meet some friends at an art show and drinks later on in the evening.

Talking to parents at a tournament usually means talking their kids up and ending with things they need to improve on. The worst parents are the ones who demand that their kids get more playing time, because their child is usually a terrible athlete. Those conversations are few and far between and mostly parents are quite positive. Talking to a parent that morning, P____ came into the conversation (“They Player that Never Was”).

“You know Mrs. G_____ was not too happy about your blog post about P_____”

“Yeah I could see how she would be upset about something like that.”

“It wasn’t too anonymous.”

“No, I suppose not” I answered, feeling a tinge of guilt. “That situation bothered me for a very long time. I tried very hard to get that kid back.”

She nodded but I could not tell if she agreed with me.

After the tournament I stopped by a baby shower for a college friend who was expecting his first child. I’ve been to a few of these co-ed baby showers/parties now, which strictly were only women just a few years back. I struck up a conversation with an acquaintance also single in his 30s. He asked about my drinking issues (“A Sordid Love Affair”.)

“You still drinking?”

“Yeah I mean I didn’t completely quit. I just quit drinking by myself, it started becoming a habit everyday after work.”

“So I heard you’re single now.”

“Yeah S______ and I broke up a few months ago.” I’ve found that there are two types of people, those who will automatically ask you about a breakup and those who wait for you to bring it up.

“Are you doing okay?”

“Yeah, I mean it is what it is. Just staying busy and focusing on my career.”

He looked away and the conversation was interrupted by the opening of baby gifts.

I went home around 4pm to take a nap. I woke up to a call from C_____, a college friend who had recently moved into the bay area. C_____ and I were very close and had traveled together and kept in touch throughout our careers. He had moved to the bay area to be with his girlfriend who also happened to be my first serious relationship in college. I felt a little awkward about the situation when he first brought it up a few years ago, but they seem to be doing well and I’m glad that he is happy and seems to be quite settled. I’ve never felt it was my say what happened with anything after I parted ways with someone.

“I want to pick up a painting from you but T_____ would never allow it in the house.”

“What do you mean? It’s just a painting, you can just put it up anywhere.”

“She hates you man.”

“I don’t understand why she hates me. It’s been over a decade since we’ve broken up. So you’re saying I wouldn’t be invited to your wedding?”

He laughed into the receiver. “No man, no fucking way. She thinks you cheated on her.”

“Why would she think that?”

“She reads those stories you put up. She thinks you cheated on her while you were in China.”

(“A Night Out in China”)

“I’m surprised she even reads anything I put out.” I didn’t know how I felt about it, but it wasn’t too positive.

We made plans to meet up in a few weeks.

I drove out downtown to meet friends at a big art opening. Afterwards we migrated to Geary Club, a small dive in the Tenderloin.

“How was Taiwan?” (“A Wide Expanse of Water”)

“It was good, hung out with my folks and family mostly.”

“Did you go out at all?”

“Yeah was in Taipei for a few days, but nothing too crazy.”

“Have you started dating yet?”

“I’ve tried some dating apps, but not super into it. I would much rather just meet someone in real life.”

“Well you know that N_____ and I met on match.com right?” They were going to be married in October.

“Yeah, but its just a little strange, I’ve been on online dates before but it’s not really for me.”

“You’ve got to just stick with it.”

We moved down to Novella on Mission for a friend’s birthday party. The place with packed to the brim and we had to wait a little while in line before getting in.

“You going to W_____ and C_____’s wedding?” (“Loneliness in Frankfurt”)

“No man, I am not invited.”

“What about that girl E_____ from last week. You guys seemed to hit it off.”

“I mean she’s really cute and successful, but I don’t really want to jump into anything right now.”

“You can’t get over anyone without getting under someone.”

I watched the crowd and the young people enjoying their night. I bumped into a friend I hadn’t seen in years and he asked if I was still bartending. (“Never say Never”)

“No, not anymore man. It wasn’t really for me.”

“I definitely follow your blog quite a bit. You’re a great writer.”

“Thank man, I appreciate that.”

“You really put everything out on the line and it’s refreshing jump from the rest of the things people usually post on Facebook and social media. I recently broke up with my girlfriend too.” (“A Long Ride Home”)

“I’m sure everyone goes through the things I go through. The dating scenes changed quite a bit though.”

“Yeah, we should hang out and go cruising sometime.”

We exchanged numbers and went about our way. I left Novela with my friends and went back to the Tenderloin to grab some food. I got a text from S______.

“Hey I just wanted to see how you were doing. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

I was tired and said goodbye to everyone and made the drive home.

I got a call from my mom on the way back.

“Hey mom, what’s up.”

“Nothing, just worried about you.”

“Why are you worried?”

“About you and S______ and your relationships. You seem to always just break up at the end and every relationship follows the same timeline and trend.”

“I’m doing okay, you shouldn’t be worried mom. Things like this happen and I’m busy and getting about my own things.”

“I just don’t understand why your relationships always end like that.”

“It’s like I mean them to. Sometimes people just don’t get along. I don’t think I would want to spend the rest of my life arguing about the same things with one person forever. There’s still a lot of things I want to do before I really settle down.”

“I know.”

“Don’t worry mom, there’s nothing to think about it.”

I wanted to reassure her the best I could and to have her just be at peace with what I was doing, but mom’s have a way about seeing their children as children forever. She worried from care and love and if I were younger I would have probably gotten annoyed with the whole conversation. I wanted to give her a hug and tell her I was managing well, but my voice probably belied my true feelings. (“A Very Short Thunderstorm”)