Things have been a little bit crazy

I went out to these Vietnamese coffee shops in San Jose with a few friends today. It was a poor excuse just to ogle women in skimpy outfits while we sipped on overpriced iced coffees. The first two places were pretty miserable. The overall vibe was pretty creepy. All the other customers were in the late 30s or 40s and by customers I mean creepy old dudes. None of the waitresses would even make eye contact or say hi. They merely took our orders and sashayed away, the flaws on their skin covered by the neon lights and blaring music.

It was okay I suppose, I definitely got quite a bit done. Things have been a little bit crazy. Just in the past week I've gotten my postcards, framed my paintings, had them shot. And here I was in the dingy Vietnamese coffee shops drawing little personalized doodles on my postcards for clients and fans. It's been really busy and I haven't really been able to sleep much lately. Women are starting to warm up to me again and it's nice to revel myself a little bit in that attention.

I'm starting to get pretty burnt out. I called Jode earlier to just talk about things and she told me to take a few days off. My life's been pretty crazy lately and I kind of like it this way. I don't think I'll be taking any days off. I'd be all anxious just being away from the studio.

I went out to an art show on Friday which featured typewriter inspired art with a live set from the artist made of sounds from a typewriter. I wanted to throw up thirty times in my mouth. 

 After the shitty art show I met up with some friends at a lounge downtown which a buddy co owns. We hung out down in the basement and I felt like a goddamn gangster.

 Saturday morning I went to go pick up ammunition at the gun show at the cow palace since there's a massive shortage. It was a nightmare. The line for wholesale ammunition was 5 hours long. I just went and bought retail like a chump.














I also got Zilla some new bandanas from the gun show. He is one handsome mother fucker














Whenever I post pictures of Zilla on Instagram or Twittter of Zilla, he'll always get way more attention than for any other shit I do.

Today I spent the whole day in Vietnamese coffee shops. I drew on my postcards and am shipping them out to fans and clients.

My friend Jenny is trying to launch a company that sells rolling papers which will allows you to custom print images. She told me to shoot her some drawings of dogs and bunnies.

We went to three cafes today and at the last one I made some pretty bad sketches of the waitress and she came by and said "you made my butt look cute."

Personally I just enjoyed the free modeling session.

I left the sketch with my website on the table.

I get a message on my website about 20 minutes after I leave.

She left her number.


My first solo show open May 4th from 6-11 at Book and Job Gallery on 838 Geary Street.

I hope to see all your beautiful faces there.

love,

d

lost cause

I remember the first time I went into my new gallery to meet the owner and curator. I was a nervous wreck. I had to stop by Whiskey Thieves which is this real shit hole dive in the Tenderloin before the meeting.

I liked Carson and Jode and I liked the gallery and it was probably one of the biggest milestones in my career.

"There's only one thing I don't like about your gallery though."

"What's that?" Carson asked.

"It's directly across the street from my ex girlfriends place" I said pointing out the second story window across the street to the apartment complex.

I guess that's when it all really started. We had a few beers and I was having an alright time just bullshitting and getting to know new friends. Around my 6th beer I went out to have a cigarette and I couldn't help it, but I stared up at her window. My success marred by this memory from the past. The light was on.

I wondered if she still lived there. I imagined her making dinner. I wondered if she was still painting. I imagined her looking as pretty as ever.  It took a bit of a discipline not to call her at that moment. And ask how she was doing. Maybe she would like to come down and say hi to Zilla. But I didn't. And I haven't been able to get her out of my mind lately. And I thought I was doing so well.

I was down in San Diego this past weekend. The last time I was there was with Sue about a year ago. She met all my friends and they loved her. So much so that they told me that I had made a mistake. That I should get her back. That I was a real asshole. That she was the best thing I ever had. That I should just call her. And I don't disagree.

But I know she'll never pick up the phone. We've moved way past that point. That this is just the way things are.  And that I've just got to be a big boy about it. Maybe all this sentimentality is just the withdrawals from extended consumption or maybe this is just karma getting her licks in.

I just hope that everythings okay. And that she's happy. And smiling her smile, even if it'll never be at me again.

It was a mistake

It was a mistake. We had been seeing each other on and off for about 2 months.

I met her at a college bar, she was with her friend Clare. I remember I had broken my arm a week prior.  She saw my cast and immediately felt bad for me. Her name was Betty and we danced a few numbers and had some drinks and really hit it off. She was slight and had her hair pinned up. She had a terrific laugh and kept on giving me these real coy looks. She could really move on the dance floor.

Her friend dropped us off back at my place and I poured some vodka sodas and we chatted til the break of dawn. I started kissing her and things progressed a bit, but then she stopped me. She looked at me and got very grave and told me that she had a boyfriend. 

"Like you just broke up with him?"

"No, we're still together."

"At this very moment?"

"Yes'' she said hesitantly, "Does this change things?"

Well fuck yes it certainly changed things. I remember the first time I had ever messed with a girl with a boyfriend. It was back in high school. This girl was on the outs with her boyfriend and she decided to hook up with me to get back at him. I eventually felt so bad about it I straight up told him when I was drunk at a party. He didn't really mind that much. 

"No, not really. It's not like he'll ever know right?"

I knew it was the wrong answer to give, but she was there and looked very pretty.

I kissed her hard. 

We saw each other regularly after that. I took her out and she would sleep over. We never talked about her relationship. I never stayed at her place. When her boyfriend was in town, I wouldn't see her. I don't know why I kept up the charade.

"You haven't told any of your friends about me, have you?" she asked one night laying in my bed.

"No" I lied.

"What are we?" she asked.

I didn't know how to answer, I thought it was pretty clear. I was just the guy she was fucking her on the side. To her, I thought I was nothing more than a slab of meat.

"I dunno. I thought we were just hooking up. Just friends."

She seemed disappointed, but accepted it in the end.

"Just don't tell your friends about us."

"Okay." 

"You promise."

"Okay." I had my fingers crossed.

As things went on, she began to become more and more demanding of me. Nagging me about the food I ate, my study habits, the hours I kept, things of this nature.

"I'm not your boyfriend."

The statement upset her.

"I just broke up with him."

The statement upset me.

I knew how the conversation would go before it even began. 

"I'm not going to be your boyfriend."

"But I broke up with him for you."

"No, you didnt."

"I broke up with him because I thought we had something going."

"You broke up with him because you didn't want to be with him anymore. I'm just your excuse. You just used me so you wouldn't feel bad about leaving your boyfriend."

"Fuck you Elliot."

She had never cursed at me before. She wasn't really the type to curse so I knew she was real upset. 

"I thought we were just having fun. I know things shouldn't have gone as long as they have, but what did you expect? I told you from the start that I didn't want anything."

"You don't understand anything."

"I'm sorry Betty."

"Stop."

"I'm sorry" I said while trying to put my arm around her shoulder.

"I said stop."

She got up and went to the bathroom. We didn't see each other for awhile after that. Through the grapevine I heard she got back with her boyfriend. She started calling me again and things kept on going back and forth like that for a little bit. But in the end, I should've never really messed around with her in the first place.

Hello Again

I was hanging with my boy Benson last friday in the mission. I met Benson in college through my girlfriend at the time and I distinctly remember telling her that he looked like a nerd. We caught up over some drafts and a few shots on 24th and then walked over to meet another friend at Rosamunde. We had a few pitchers and brauts and life was good. Our friend had to leave for a dinner party in the Marina so Benson and I sauntered over to Cafe Revolution where I picked up a dime sack off a black kid who introduced himself as Jmobb. Benson had promised his girlfriend that he would get back home early, but the night was still very young.

I rolled a pinner at the table while Benson struck up a cute looking latin girl in the cafe. I motioned to Benson I was going to go outside for a smoke, while he continued chatting up the girl. I lit up outside struck up a few conversations with meandering drunks which left no solid impressions. I stepped back in and grabbed a few more beers. Benson introduced me to Alejandra, the latin girl, who turned out to be a violinist preforming with her band at the cafe. She was very friendly and had very pretty eyes. We chatted a bit and I fell in love, but I had promised myself never to date another artist again. We stayed around for a bit and listened to a few numbers, but I was getting bored so we took off.

We rode the Bart downtown and started walking to Jones when my phone rang, the number was blocked, but I answered anyways.

"Hello?"

"Hey" A voice I hadn't heard from in years, but could recognize anytime. Memories floated to the surface that had been swept away long ago. It was her, Tammi. The ex girlfriend I met Benson through. Her voice soft, alluring.

"Hey Tammi, how are you?"I asked. Benson looked over at me, perplexed.

"I'm good" she laughed, like the tinkling of bells.

I was at a loss for words. The last time I had seen her I was still in college. At that time she'd already been dating her future husband, but stopped by just to say hi and visit. We had a very tumultuous falling out. I don't know why I ever bother with girls from my past, they're nothing but trouble.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm actually out with Benson right now."

"Oh, no shit. Let me talk to him."

They chatted a bit and he handed the phone back to me.

"This is so strange, why are you calling me out of the blue?"

"Are you drunk?"

"No, I've had a few, but I'm alright."

I knew there had to be a reason she called me, but it was a terrifically bad moment to take a call like that. I was not ready for it. We neared the bar.

"Sorry Tammi, but I've got to go, I just can't talk right now. Maybe you can give me a call another time?"

"Yeah, maybe."

"It's really nice hearing from you. I hope things are well."

"You too"

"Bye Tam."

"Bye.

I had been waiting for this phone call for a long time and part of me wished that I had just stayed on the line. I looked at Benson, still in a bit of awe and said, "Weird."

Jones was empty, but we bumped into some friends and had a few more drinks at the bar. We tried to cross the street to Swig, but they had already shut down their doors. Benson tried to bribe the bouncer, but people were already pouring out. We met a few girls from North Carolina walking out of Swig and they had those very sexy drawls. They were visiting from Raleigh and were doing the tourist thing, which I'm sure included "hook up with an asian artist".

We walked over to the Nite Cap and closed out the bar. It was too late for Benson to head back on Caltrain so instead he left his girlfriend a drunken apology on her voicemail at 2:30 in the morning.

I woke up the next day with a headache and Benson asking if he could borrow the computer to check train schedules. Her voice still chiming in my head.