lost cause

I remember the first time I went into my new gallery to meet the owner and curator. I was a nervous wreck. I had to stop by Whiskey Thieves which is this real shit hole dive in the Tenderloin before the meeting.

I liked Carson and Jode and I liked the gallery and it was probably one of the biggest milestones in my career.

"There's only one thing I don't like about your gallery though."

"What's that?" Carson asked.

"It's directly across the street from my ex girlfriends place" I said pointing out the second story window across the street to the apartment complex.

I guess that's when it all really started. We had a few beers and I was having an alright time just bullshitting and getting to know new friends. Around my 6th beer I went out to have a cigarette and I couldn't help it, but I stared up at her window. My success marred by this memory from the past. The light was on.

I wondered if she still lived there. I imagined her making dinner. I wondered if she was still painting. I imagined her looking as pretty as ever.  It took a bit of a discipline not to call her at that moment. And ask how she was doing. Maybe she would like to come down and say hi to Zilla. But I didn't. And I haven't been able to get her out of my mind lately. And I thought I was doing so well.

I was down in San Diego this past weekend. The last time I was there was with Sue about a year ago. She met all my friends and they loved her. So much so that they told me that I had made a mistake. That I should get her back. That I was a real asshole. That she was the best thing I ever had. That I should just call her. And I don't disagree.

But I know she'll never pick up the phone. We've moved way past that point. That this is just the way things are.  And that I've just got to be a big boy about it. Maybe all this sentimentality is just the withdrawals from extended consumption or maybe this is just karma getting her licks in.

I just hope that everythings okay. And that she's happy. And smiling her smile, even if it'll never be at me again.