when you're young, you build up these ideologies of the world. who you want to be, who you want to be like, or what you want to hold on to. at least i did. i have held onto these ideologies for so long, read the books of my heroes, and wished that i could have their lives, to live their experiences, and to know that i could be strong like them in times of peril. through times of war, lost love, depression, and all the inhumanities of life.

and here i am, at 27, lonely, not yet made shit of myself, not experienced any sort of hardship of the past two generations and feeling like a general nothing of nothingness.

i remember back in college i went to see a psychiatrist after a bad breakup. he gave me a prescription for some pills and told me to come back. i shook his hand and thanked him and never went back and never filled the scripts. i don't even remember what his name was and sometimes now i wish i had.

i always wanted a life where i listened to no one. where i was a young prince, doing what i pleased at all moments and times, because i could. where finance, time, feelings, and presence were all under my control. where i was untouchable.

since i've been a young boy, i've always wanted to just have a tremendously raucous, wild, complete young life. to live without regret or second thought. to live without fore or hindsight. and just be without responsibility. but things are quite different now.

i've got to change. that much i know. because i can't think or act or do things like the way i've always done. and it's hard. it's so very hard. i've been waking up everyday for the past month, filling my day with work, exercise, work, errands, painting, and on and on and on. my friends tell me come out, let's have fun, let's go out and cause some ruckus. when i do, i honestly feel more like shit than ever. and all i want to do is crawl into a ball and cry like a little baby girl, born new into the world. although we would be crying about totally different things.

i don't know what to do, but i suppose i'll look back on all this and laugh one day, thinking how silly and trivial this all was and is. how easy i have things. how much harder i need to push things and myself. and to quit all this crybaby bull shit.