breakup

breaking up always sux dik, obviously there's good one's and bad one's but it still always sux. especially if it's been a substantially long relationship, in this case, it was about 1 year and 7 months. obviously it takes two to tango and both parties are accountable for a breakup. but i would say in this case, i was probably the idiot that drove her away.

i suppose it was bound to be. in the last six months i have been so caught up in my own life, needs, wants, and desires, that i completely shut out this person in my life. i thought that just as long as i was working hard and striving for success, she would understand. she would be able to forget the little things that i would forget. she would forget the the mean words i would sometimes snap to her. she would forget how horribly callous i had become.

it is my own fault. i must accept blame for this fall, because there is no one else that was wrong. it is a tough pill to swallow. and right now really i'm just wallowing in my own misery. i try to take up work to fill the day, but every waking moment is haunted with her image and how i lost her.

if i were a little more dramatic i would probably have shot myself or at least started cutting by now. but sometimes i feel like the pain is good. like a crazy violent thunderstorm that cleanses the earth.

i want to scream, shout, cry, and bang my fists on the wall until my knuckles are broken and bleeding. but it won't help at all. i'll be stuck at the same goddamn place with no one to blame but myself.

maybe i am just meant to be alone for the rest of my life. i cannot seem to let anyone close and if anyone does, i immediately shut them out. before she left she told me she loved me and that she didn't want to go, but that she had to. to save herself and what little left she had of happiness.

i've been really out of sorts for the last few days and i wish that she would just come back, but i suppose that's just the boy in me pouting and throwing temper tantrums.

alas, it's just life. sometimes things fucking suck and i just want to destroy everything. fuck me.