the day after christmas

it was the day after christmas and i was boarding a flight to taiwan. it was probably the most uneventful christmas i ever had. my entire family was in taiwan so i spent the holiday by myself and emma. i had beer, leftovers, and chips for dinner, but at least i wasn't all by my lonesome.

i got to the airport early the day of my flight and had a few hours to kill so i headed to the bar and had about a half a dozen drinks before boarding. thank god the flight wasn't sold out so the middle seat was unoccupied. international flights mean all you can drink beer so i threw a few back. i was able to take an hour nap before i was woken up by the three babies surrounding my seat. it was not pleasant. i couldn't fall back asleep so i watched 5 shitty movies in a row.

my uncle picked me up from the taipei international airport and i was working with 2 hours sleep in the previous 24 hours. i stayed over his house for the night, before heading down south to kahosiung where my parents live. i would have to say that the trip out to the homeland so far has been a bit of a drag, besides the fact that i've been seeing this new girl back home and at least i was able to think about her every now and again and smile.

i've been dating quite frequently this year and definitely have learned more and more about what i don't want in a relationship. i suppose that a lot of the relationships that i'm involved in don't ever work out because of my own ineptitude in keeping a woman, or at least keeping a woman happy.

i suppose a lot of the times i cave in to my own insecurities and vices, which leads down a perilous path that i can never stray from. but i like this new girl quite a bit. she makes me happy. she makes me feel like things will be alright. when i am away from her i see her face and things are never as bad as they seem.

but i understand that we are just at the beginning of things. things are light and fun, new and exciting. we have not yet seen the underbelly of the beast and i am hoping that he does not rear his ugly head.

beautiful autumn day

so the other day i was hanging out during a break from class, enjoying the unusual sun that san francisco has been experiencing this fall. it was a nice day and i was doing well in class. i just felt like enjoying the weather. i saw my friend jen hanging out having a cigarette and she waved hi, so i went and sat by her on the bench. we had met over the summer in a landscape painting class.

i didn't really know her too well, so maybe friend is too strong a word, she's mostly just an acquaintance, someone i see from time to time. we talked art and painting for a bit, just social chatter to kill up time and take away the silent awkwardness. jen is thin and cute, always wearing real fly kicks, she has long black hair with a blond streak running through it. she puffs on cigarettes constantly, but in a classy way like those chicks from the 20s.

"how are you doing with everything else?" she asked.

you know how sometimes shit is going bad in your life and you just feel like spilling the beans to someone, and it usually ends up being someone you don't really know. and that's what kind of happened.

"shitty to be honest. i just found out my dog has cancer and i recently broke up with my girlfriend." she looked at me with concern, but didn't say anything. "it's just one of those things."

"why did you break up with your girlfriend?"

"things weren't working out, we were on two different pages. it's not like anything bad happened, we just grew apart. if anything, it's the only really good break up i've ever really had."

we talked a bit more about relationships and all that and then we got on about the subject about religion. she told me how she had found god after a traumatic experience she went through with her mom and all that. she was raised catholic, but was now christian, attending church several times a week, filled with salvation and good faith.

"have you ever been religious?" she asked

"yes, when i was a kid. my parents are both pretty religious still, but i kind of grew out of it during the early years of high school."

"what happened?"

"i dunno, i suppose me and god just weren't on the same page anymore either."

she started getting a little serious and told me that god always had a place for me, and how much he loved me, and how that he would always be there for me even if i didn't know it.

"to be honest, i don't think i'll ever get back into religion. i don't see how i can't just live my life without it. i mean, i can just be a good person can't i? as long as i don't fuck over other people and just live my life the way i want to, isn't it good enough? i know that everyone sins, but mostly i just do self-destructive shit, i don't harm anyone else."

"i understand."

"i always imagined i was going to die young anyways. what's the use of trying to think any differently now. i live my life with bouts of momentary happiness and that's good enough for me, at least for now. i don't care really about anything, because everything is temporary anyways, family, love, relationships, all of it."

i looked at her while i said this and i could see her well up a little bit.

"i know that you don't mean what you're saying. you're going to make me cry."

"i don't mean to. it's just the way i feel. i suppose that i'm still just a boy still clutching onto the remnants of my childhood."

we didn't say anything for a long time. just sat there, in the sun.

"at least i know one thing though, when my personal life is fucked, my work is at it's best. when when my personal life is good, my work is shit."

she smiled and nodded. i told her i had to get back to class and i gave her a hug and thanked her for listening to me bitch.

i stood up to go and said i would catch her later.

"hey daniel"

"yeah"

"is there anything that you want me to pray for you about?"

i thought about it before i answered.

"ask god to not let my dog die and that i'll have a good show in february.

she gave me a sad smile and i went back inside. i felt sad and empty like i hadn't felt in a long, long time.

the boy who could not love

still at the peak of his prime, young henry was the epitome of cool. he grew up splitting his time in manchester and new york, borne to a well-to-do family with loads and loads of old money. he grew up in the private schooling system, always doing well, played rugby and basketball, went to an ivy league and so on and so on. life was good for young Henry who also happened to be an only child, so he was lavished with all the attention in the world.

he was in the financial sector, not so much because he wanted to be, but because it was just something to do. he had appearances to up keep and zeroes to pad in his bank account. he never considered to do anything else, because he never had the urge to, his life had always been comfortable and he preferred to keep it that way. no ripples in the pond.

young henry was a good looking boy, hair immaculate, athletic, calculated, with just a touch of ennui. the young ladies were in love with him, hearts a fluttering, voices choked, and brows damp with anticipation every time he stepped into a room. henry knew his place in the world and he took advantage of it. his relationships he kept discreet, for he was not a boy to kiss and tell, but if the young ladies were looking for love, they would find that young henry had an empty heart.

henry merely saw girls as trophies, play things that tickled his fancy from time to time. he had read and learned about love through books and movies, but never himself experienced it. it was merely a word. something people made up through whimsical fancy. some elaborate and unidentifiable emotion which did not really exist. to him, it was just a matter of finding the next best thing, like buying a new wardrobe after the previous season's were out of date.

so this is the way young henry lived his life, flying across the globe, dining at fine places in nice clothes with beautiful women. and i suppose most people looking in would say that young henry had it made. he did not mean to break girl's hearts, but it came with the territory. he never let on that there could be something more. he lived the life of a young prince, without real worry or concern, protected everywhere.

then one day young henry met sue. they were at a party for a mutual friend's birthday and she was on the arm of some other boy. she smiled and made pleasantries and they shook hands and young henry was quite taken by her beauty and poise. he knew then and there that he would make her his.

henry was not used to chasing after women. it was something that he never really had to do, for they swooned over him and were always at his beck and call. sue was different, for she did not really care. she did not care that he was of old money. she did not care that he dressed well. she did not care that he went to the finest schools. she did not care that he had a bank account with many zeroes. but young henry was a charming and persuasive boy and soon they were going together regularly.

no matter how hard young henry tried though, he could not have sue in his grasp. with other women, he knew that he was in control, steering the course of action. he was collected in the pocket, cool, and poised. sue went about her own things, she did not lavish attention on henry. she did not bend to his will and this threw young henry off.

he knew that he wanted to possess her, but did not know how to go about it. he bought her fancy things, took her to nice places, and gave her anything she wanted, but sue would just smile and nod, seemingly unimpressed by such advances. young henry was at a loss. he tried and tried, yet he was getting no where and for a boy who had always gotten what he wanted, this was some monster all together different.

then just as quickly as they had met, sue was one day gone.

"we are just different people"

"what do you mean sue? how has that got to do with anything?"

"i feel differently about you then you with me. i'm thinking about the future. this just wouldn't work out."

"but sue, i have never felt like this for anyone. i don't want you to go"

"it's just the way things have to be, you must understand henry."

"but sue, i love you."

young henry could see the tears well up in sue's eyes, but he knew that she did not feel the same. she kissed him hard and it was the end of everything. sue turned away and walked out of henry's life, just like that.

young henry continued with his life as usual because there was nothing else that he could do. he thought about what he said to sue, and he wondered if it was true. because to him love was still just a word. some mere whimsical fancy those lavished when they were out of their minds. he convinced himself that it was just a mistake. a blip in his own consciousness, an act of desperation. for really, there was no such thing as love.

oh my pretty little girl

i remember the first time i laid eyes on her. i was going to davis at the time and had been looking for a puppy for months. an ex girlfriend and i had been going to various shelters and adoption events looking for the perfect girl. i knew i wanted a female pup because i had always had males and i felt that the time was right for a pretty little girl.

some people don't ever believe in love at first sight, but i say i can prove them wrong. when i saw her i knew she was mine. she had that stupid ear to ear pitbull grin and whipped her tail side to side like a maniac, much like she does even to this day. i fell in love right then and there.

i'm not gonna lie, she was a handful right from the start. stubborn, destructive, hyper-active, and an overall attention whore. she's destroyed a coach, handful of shoes, peed everywhere, run away twice, and scared every single mail man i've ever had.

ex girlfriends have come and gone. i've been in and out of school. i've had jobs and been unemployed. there's been good and bad times. but emma has always been there. smiling her big dumb smile whenever she hears me coming home, whipping her tail around, dancing happily to see me. no matter what.

recently, the lymph nodes under her jaw have become swollen. i took her to the vet this morning only to find out some horrible news. my baby girl has lymphoma cancer. i stared at the vet in disbelief. she is too young. she is only halfway through her life. this is the biggest bunch of bullshit.

i wondered if it is something i did, something i could have done, or something that i shouldn't have done. my mind raced and flew in a million directions. i fought very hard to hold back tears in the vet office, but lost it once i got into my car.

in my rational mind, i understand that she is just an animal. a companion. and that sometimes shitty things happen. but she has been my very best friend for the past 6 years. i remember the first time reading "where the red fern grows" and understanding just how it felt, because when you're a dog person, you just know how those things are.

i wish things were different and feel absolutely powerless. i am angry, sad, and confused. but all is not lost. i have hope. and there is still time. even if it is limited.

gearing up for a big big group show in early 2011. meet some of the players:


Andrew Han - kidgrungybcrafty.blogspot.com



Dion Campbell http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Art-of-Dion-Campbell/263762053577


Hak Lee


and yours truly

big things are coming.

since i've reached an appropriate dating age, i have always almost exclusively dated older girls. the first girl i ever kissed was older. the first girl i was in a relationship with was older. the first girl i ever loved was older. it's nothing i actively pursue or look for in a partner. if anything it's probably not the best idea, as far as the looks department down the line, but that's just me being a superficial jerk.

it's something i've always wondered about, talked about with friends, tried to figure out. maybe it was because i was always young for my age through the k-12 and older girls were the only ones i was exposed to. maybe it's because i think i am "mature" and somehow younger girls don't quite tickle my fancy intellectually. maybe it's because i like a girl who's experienced a little more than me and can put me in my place when i am out of control.

towed

I went to go hang out in the tenderloin last night and ended up having a few drinks with a friend. I ended up sleeping over, failing to note that I had parked my car in a tow away zone. In the morning I walked to Larkin and Bush and immediately I knew that I had been towed. It's the first time that it has ever happened. It was a sinking feeling, like watching your favorite sports team lose to the division rival. It was early as fuck and I was still a little bit drunk so it didn't exactly put a smile on my face.

As I walked across the street to find the number for the tow company, this guy walking past me asks for the time. I look at my phone and tell him " it's 8 o'clock"

"8 o'clock on the dot?"

"No it's actually 7:55"

He throws up his hands in exasperation and goes "that's not 8 is it?"

I am completely thrown off by his comment and immediately blow a fuse. "Why don't you go fuck yourself you piece of shit and find your own goddamn time." I walk away before he gives me more reason to punch him in his precise goddamn face.

I tend to have a pretty short temper along with a bad vindictive streak.

In the 7th grade a kid named John tackled me to the ground and put me in a half nelson to impress some girls.

In the 10th grade a kid named Jimmy punched me in the face in spanish class because i talked shit to him earlier during the day.

In the 11th grade a kid named Andrew hit me in the nuts after he asked me what the capitol of Thailand was.

I still hate these fucking kids and think about what I would do to them if I were to ever bump into them again.

But then again I feel like all this hate and anger is purely self destructive. I call the SFMTA and find out where my car has been towed to, it's about a 2 mile trek south, through the Tenderloin and downtown. On the way I see the guy who asked me for the time. He avoids eye contact with me and keeps going on his way.

I feel like this is probably the way things would go if I ever saw John, or Jimmy, or Andrew. Because so much time has already passed. Because these things matter so little now.