oh my pretty little girl

i remember the first time i laid eyes on her. i was going to davis at the time and had been looking for a puppy for months. an ex girlfriend and i had been going to various shelters and adoption events looking for the perfect girl. i knew i wanted a female pup because i had always had males and i felt that the time was right for a pretty little girl.

some people don't ever believe in love at first sight, but i say i can prove them wrong. when i saw her i knew she was mine. she had that stupid ear to ear pitbull grin and whipped her tail side to side like a maniac, much like she does even to this day. i fell in love right then and there.

i'm not gonna lie, she was a handful right from the start. stubborn, destructive, hyper-active, and an overall attention whore. she's destroyed a coach, handful of shoes, peed everywhere, run away twice, and scared every single mail man i've ever had.

ex girlfriends have come and gone. i've been in and out of school. i've had jobs and been unemployed. there's been good and bad times. but emma has always been there. smiling her big dumb smile whenever she hears me coming home, whipping her tail around, dancing happily to see me. no matter what.

recently, the lymph nodes under her jaw have become swollen. i took her to the vet this morning only to find out some horrible news. my baby girl has lymphoma cancer. i stared at the vet in disbelief. she is too young. she is only halfway through her life. this is the biggest bunch of bullshit.

i wondered if it is something i did, something i could have done, or something that i shouldn't have done. my mind raced and flew in a million directions. i fought very hard to hold back tears in the vet office, but lost it once i got into my car.

in my rational mind, i understand that she is just an animal. a companion. and that sometimes shitty things happen. but she has been my very best friend for the past 6 years. i remember the first time reading "where the red fern grows" and understanding just how it felt, because when you're a dog person, you just know how those things are.

i wish things were different and feel absolutely powerless. i am angry, sad, and confused. but all is not lost. i have hope. and there is still time. even if it is limited.