oh my pretty little girl

i remember the first time i laid eyes on her. i was going to davis at the time and had been looking for a puppy for months. an ex girlfriend and i had been going to various shelters and adoption events looking for the perfect girl. i knew i wanted a female pup because i had always had males and i felt that the time was right for a pretty little girl.

some people don't ever believe in love at first sight, but i say i can prove them wrong. when i saw her i knew she was mine. she had that stupid ear to ear pitbull grin and whipped her tail side to side like a maniac, much like she does even to this day. i fell in love right then and there.

i'm not gonna lie, she was a handful right from the start. stubborn, destructive, hyper-active, and an overall attention whore. she's destroyed a coach, handful of shoes, peed everywhere, run away twice, and scared every single mail man i've ever had.

ex girlfriends have come and gone. i've been in and out of school. i've had jobs and been unemployed. there's been good and bad times. but emma has always been there. smiling her big dumb smile whenever she hears me coming home, whipping her tail around, dancing happily to see me. no matter what.

recently, the lymph nodes under her jaw have become swollen. i took her to the vet this morning only to find out some horrible news. my baby girl has lymphoma cancer. i stared at the vet in disbelief. she is too young. she is only halfway through her life. this is the biggest bunch of bullshit.

i wondered if it is something i did, something i could have done, or something that i shouldn't have done. my mind raced and flew in a million directions. i fought very hard to hold back tears in the vet office, but lost it once i got into my car.

in my rational mind, i understand that she is just an animal. a companion. and that sometimes shitty things happen. but she has been my very best friend for the past 6 years. i remember the first time reading "where the red fern grows" and understanding just how it felt, because when you're a dog person, you just know how those things are.

i wish things were different and feel absolutely powerless. i am angry, sad, and confused. but all is not lost. i have hope. and there is still time. even if it is limited.

gearing up for a big big group show in early 2011. meet some of the players:


Andrew Han - kidgrungybcrafty.blogspot.com



Dion Campbell http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Art-of-Dion-Campbell/263762053577


Hak Lee


and yours truly

big things are coming.

since i've reached an appropriate dating age, i have always almost exclusively dated older girls. the first girl i ever kissed was older. the first girl i was in a relationship with was older. the first girl i ever loved was older. it's nothing i actively pursue or look for in a partner. if anything it's probably not the best idea, as far as the looks department down the line, but that's just me being a superficial jerk.

it's something i've always wondered about, talked about with friends, tried to figure out. maybe it was because i was always young for my age through the k-12 and older girls were the only ones i was exposed to. maybe it's because i think i am "mature" and somehow younger girls don't quite tickle my fancy intellectually. maybe it's because i like a girl who's experienced a little more than me and can put me in my place when i am out of control.

towed

I went to go hang out in the tenderloin last night and ended up having a few drinks with a friend. I ended up sleeping over, failing to note that I had parked my car in a tow away zone. In the morning I walked to Larkin and Bush and immediately I knew that I had been towed. It's the first time that it has ever happened. It was a sinking feeling, like watching your favorite sports team lose to the division rival. It was early as fuck and I was still a little bit drunk so it didn't exactly put a smile on my face.

As I walked across the street to find the number for the tow company, this guy walking past me asks for the time. I look at my phone and tell him " it's 8 o'clock"

"8 o'clock on the dot?"

"No it's actually 7:55"

He throws up his hands in exasperation and goes "that's not 8 is it?"

I am completely thrown off by his comment and immediately blow a fuse. "Why don't you go fuck yourself you piece of shit and find your own goddamn time." I walk away before he gives me more reason to punch him in his precise goddamn face.

I tend to have a pretty short temper along with a bad vindictive streak.

In the 7th grade a kid named John tackled me to the ground and put me in a half nelson to impress some girls.

In the 10th grade a kid named Jimmy punched me in the face in spanish class because i talked shit to him earlier during the day.

In the 11th grade a kid named Andrew hit me in the nuts after he asked me what the capitol of Thailand was.

I still hate these fucking kids and think about what I would do to them if I were to ever bump into them again.

But then again I feel like all this hate and anger is purely self destructive. I call the SFMTA and find out where my car has been towed to, it's about a 2 mile trek south, through the Tenderloin and downtown. On the way I see the guy who asked me for the time. He avoids eye contact with me and keeps going on his way.

I feel like this is probably the way things would go if I ever saw John, or Jimmy, or Andrew. Because so much time has already passed. Because these things matter so little now.