melancholy baby

i've been feeling old lately. maybe old is way too strong a word. just more so like i really have to be an adult by now and that living my boyhood lifestyle for so long has just become recently out of fashion. decisions mean more, because i have already spent so much time living by whim and fleeting fancy. done and seen so many destructive things that maybe it is really time to put it to rest.

i went to a wedding in san diego this past weekend. it was a beautiful ceremony. i knew the groom from childhood and have always regarded him as an older brother figure growing up. it was nice to see how far he had come in life, through all his struggles and endeavors and to end up such a happy and vibrant man, full of life and energy, married to his beautiful wife.

i went through a breakup recently and even that process has changed. we talked things through and i'm not saying it was all rainbows and butterflies, but it was civil. so very much different from the sordid affairs of my past relationships. it felt good, because i know that sometimes these things happen, but at least this time it was a step in the positive direction. that not everything must end horribly.

i'm also not saying that i am exactly a ray of sunshine right now, because break ups suck, but at least i've matured a little bit, even if it is just in my own eyes.

after the wedding i spent the rest of the weekend with an old friend, and we talked about life and love and things inbetween. and it felt good. we walked along the bay and had a late lunch in pb and after that we took a nap and then she made dinner and we had a few bottles of wine. it is nice to know that love sometimes fades, but that it always come back in other forms.

i am a ball of melancholy right now, but i think and remember that i have my health, a loving family, and beautiful and supportive friends (besides steven who thinks i am ugly). that being a little bit more grown up isn't really ever a bad thing.