silly little dream

There's not many people that are happy with what they do. Some people wake up dreading every minute of their day. Keeping busy to avoid, to suppress, to run away from things which they fear the most. I had a conversation with a friend the other day in which she said that she loved what she did because it distracted her from the daily grind. I did not understand this at all. What I want most in life to be self-fulfilled, to try to understand the deeper intricacies, and to maybe figure it all out before it all ends. No matter how much money anyone ever offers me, I don't think I would ever go back to the grind. To make money for money's sake, having a nice wrist watch, cuff links, power suits, company credit cards. 

"God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact." - palahniuk

My parents moved out of the country about a half year ago and I suppose distance really shows how much you really care for someone. I talk to them more now then I did when I lived with them. I am happier now than I can remember having ever been since childhood, without the aid of drugs, massive amounts of alcohol, women, and generally living a lifestyle which I thought was what I had wanted. Working my ass off at corpo in my monkey suit so that I could sustain what I thought was what was to be the rest of my life. It was a sobering experience to drop everything, to give a big "fuck you" to the stupid company and cunt ass whore boss who was fucking everyone, to have no income, to have to live off my parents again, to watch as I took two steps back as the rest of my college friends seemed to be moving forward. 

There's not much advice that I have taken from my dad. The last time I went back to Taiwan, a lot of his employees kept asking me when I was going to start working for him and planning to take over the company. They kept wondering when I would be moving back since my dad is getting older and when I would take the command post. For a long time I was just in this post adolescence rebel bullshit. As stubborn and pigheaded we both are, I have come to realize that he is a great man, with faults like anyone else, but is someone I want to aspire to be. 

Commerce is something which sustains the culture we live in and is necessary for the world to revolve, but it's just not for me. I feel like I've finally found the thing which I was meant to do and that was the hard part. Now the goal is to just keep pushing forward, to keep going forward until I feel like puking, until I feel like I can't go any further, and then push forward some more. I am incredibly fortunate, to be able to chase this silly little dream. I want my life to mean something and I am still searching, always trying for something, even if it means nothing to anyone else.