(no subject)

I don't know why I started a "blog". Merely as another creative outlet I suppose. Sometimes phrases and thoughts get so jumbled up and intertwined that I feel almost a necessary urge to expunge them from my mind, like throwing up after a long night of binge drinking.  It always feels better afterwards, no matter how vile or sordid the contents may have been. It's only with this need for this release for which I write and share my thoughts. 

I recently received an email from a friend whom I haven't talked to in quite some time. Being in an unusually optimistic mood, I opened the email with relish, hoping to find a bit of good news or at least a generic "how to do" from someone who I hadn't been in contact with for quite some time, since the subject line had been aptly titled (no subject). It came to quite a shock when I began reading the email and found that this was not to be the case, but more of a reprisal upon one of my postings. At first I was taken aback, somewhat stunned by the candid and temerarious nature of the letter.

"I know that we don't talk much anymore and I have no idea how you're going to take this but I decided that however you take it, I'd rather know I said something to you about it and have you never talk to me again than to never mention it at all."

To be quite frank, my initial reaction was that this would be an unrequited love letter, her exposing her deepest feelings to me, but that was merely the egomaniac in me. As I read further, the tone changed. From friendly banter to one of distinct loathing and criticism. She was pissed off that I had driven drunk and then wrote about it in my first post on new year's day.

"Now I know you're a young guy, and you're still in that I'm young and invincible stage. However... it's about time you knocked that shit off."

"I can't think of a single thing that is more unattractive than someone who so blatantly gambles with another person's life."

"You are not cool. You are not a badass." (My favorite line of the entire email. I could not really have said it any better myself.)

"You're an artist/deep thinker right? (Hardly) do me a favor and think deeply about whose life you are going to fuck up because you are too cheap or lazy to get a cab or call a friend."

"Grow the fuck up [...] I'm embarassed for you. I'm ashamed for you. I am shocked at your blatant disregard for the seriousness of what you did, and no doubt have done in the past."

Now, I suppose that it might appear that I am poking fun or being sarcastically whimsical about the whole ordeal, but this email did bother me for quite some time and point out some very valid things. My intention for writing has never been to glamorize any of my actions although I'm sure there is a proliferation of arrogance and self-doubt.  I merely write to write. It brings me peace. 

I take nothing back, I've done things in the past and probably will in the future that I abhor. I believe everyone has, but I simply choose to share them. To expose them really. I do stupid things, I hurt people, I have alienated and sabotaged almost every relationship I've had in the past four years. I don't really know what is wrong with me, so I write about it.  Every beautiful and dirty thing that comes along the way, because I really don't know any better.

There was once a point where I felt constricted and contained by rules and criticism and public perception. But fuck all that, it's not like I'll really be running for public office any time soon. I want to push past fear, to get rid of every shred of insecurity. To be completely comfortable in any situation, with anyone, in any part of the world.

I feel somewhat flattered that someone would actually email about a post, even if it was negative. I write for writings sake and if it at least strikes a chord somewhere, I suppose I have done my job.